A Change of Perspective...

This past weekend I had the pleasure of introducing one of my Akron friends to Pittsburgh. She had never been before, so I played tour guide and airline stewardess on the ground to her this weekend. With the help of my family, we were able to welcome her to the city with open arms and a good meal thanks to the early Thanksgiving idea of my mother. But I truly feel that I owe my friend a thank you for reintroducing me to the city where I grew up. Some of the neighborhoods that we took her to I hadn't been to in years. One of the beautiful places to go is Mount Washington. That is where you can see the entire city and also ride the Incline. Mount Washington is the place where people go to take wedding and prom photos. It's a place every tourist should go to at least once, especially if you are a Pittsburgh Steelers hater. With such an amazing view, I know for myself I couldn't think of anything I hated from there. I admired the all of the buildings and stadiums and signs that I saw from up there. I felt appreciative that I got to live in a city with things to do and that you didn't need your own transportation to live there.

It was an interesting to experience my life through someone else's eyes. My friend got to meet my immediate family and she loved everyone that she met. I know that I take my family for granted sometimes. By having someone there who could see all of the wonderful traits I sometimes forget about humbled me. I really do have a good family and I love them so much. And the fact that they were so good to my friend and made her feel welcome I appreciate. I've been around the family of other friends a few times where they didn't even offer me water let alone a place to stay for two days, food, and a very knowledgeable tour guide. I'm glad she had fun and I'm glad that I come from such a loving family who definitely thinks of other people's comfort before their own.

Now I'm back in Akron and well, I think I need help seeing my life here in a positive perspective. I'm so lost right now. I'm in school and sort of enjoying it. The only reason I'm not enjoying it is because work has gotten more demanding and also fear. My fear that, like my songwriting and book writing and blogging and other interests, that this will too be a dying fade. Although I have a career I'm proud of, there are other things in my life I wanted to do and never did them. I can make the argument "there's still time"forever, but my motivation is mud. It's hard to face this blog sometimes. I think I put pressure on myself at first. I wanted it to be so many things that I couldn't live up to after a while. The second time around I tried the appreciation blogs and that was good, but all you need is to have a bad day or bad experience or just get full of yourself, and bam, no more appreciation and no more blogging.

God knows I don't want a horrific "It's a Wonderful Life" experience. I just don't know right now what to focus on. Should I go back to the old dreams or just continue to live out these new ones although they are not as fun and I'm still not sure where they came from. God, please help me by cleaning my glasses and my heart and allowing me to see what my potential is and how to use it.

Surprise! Day 18

Today I got a wonderful surprise at work. My team remembered my birthday and got me a hilarious card and a piece of Chocolate cake (big piece). They lit three candles and I had to quickly blow them out because we weren't sure if fire was allowed on the premise. It was a wonderful surprise and it really touched my heart. You just never who's going to remember you and who isn't. I thought that one friend would be loyal to the birthday code, but really this person won't be so it is what it is. My parents got me a GPS system and I'm going to test it out tomorrow. I've already played with it and saved a few locations that I will be going to soon.

Today was long and full of surprises I'll clue you in on later. I am grateful for the people in my life that are telling me that I am taking this too personally and also that I need to give this school thing time. I didn't realize how unaccustomed I've become to not being too far out of my comfort zone. I thought I was one of those 'I'll try anything' people, but really I'm a 'I'll try it if..." people. So pray for me as I try more things that I am not used to.

Grateful list:

• Work team
• Chocolate cake
• My parents still caring that I have a wonderful birthday after all of these years.
• My friend, especially Miss Little and Miss Anderson
• My birthday
  

Good night.

Round Hole, Square Peg Day 17

Today was class number two. Good news is that it will be an easy course. You show up, write three papers, and listen and ask questions of the guest speakers. I should be having a good, grateful night. Well, I'm not. I'm feeling very round hole square peg in regards to school. I'm feeling very overwhelmed by the newness of all of this. Also, since I'm not majoring in Journalism, I don't feel like I fit into this class either. The people are friendly, but they are all taking other courses together so it's like one big happy family and I'm the adopted one.

Maybe I should know what I want to be when I grow up by now. I don't know. Just a crazy week and I haven't had time to care about my birthday.

Here is my list:

• Mary J.'s Breakthrough album
• Robin Thicke's Evolution of Robin Thicke album
  
• Taking those managing emotions courses - came into play today
• Understand my course reading assignments
• People in my life that constantly talk me off the ledge.

Have a good night.

No Words Day 17

Hi readers! I really have no words for today. Yes, things happened. Yes, I have an opinion on all of them. But I really have no words tonight. However, I do have a grateful list. Here it is:

• Procrastination (I know right - only day two)
• Nice lunch with team
• La Roux CD
• Marvin Sapp's "Best in Me"

Tomorrow I go to my second class, Intro. to Journalism course. Pray for your girl!

Reading is Fundamental Day 16

Ok, so I was nervous and anxious all day like a kid at Christmastime. I even left work ten minutes early. I was so excited and ready to be an adult learner. And well, I didn't follow rule number one: read class information carefully. Your girl went to the wrong building. In my defense, I went to the building of the specific college that I am a student of. However, I read the wrong line of my syllabus and got the professor's office confused with where the class was. And of course, I had to walk past two buildings up a hill to get to the right building. I was so hurt, embarassed, and disappointed in myself. Thankfully, I met nice people along the way that helped me find my way. Oh, and I forgot to mention it took me about eight minutes to find a park, so when I left my car I had like two minutes to spare.

So probably 10-12 minutes into it, I got to class. Thankfully again, another woman was walking in with me. There were two other women that showed up later than me and my potential late partner in crime. I was so sweaty and flustered by everything that it took me a few minutes before my hand could stop shaking and I could take notes.

The silver lining of all of this is I still have the makings of a being a good student. When asked who read the syllabus prior to class, I proudly raised my hand with most of the class. When asked who downloaded the E-Reserve materials for the class, I, along with one other person, raised my hand. I also took almost three pages of notes of everything the professor was brain farting. During the break, I felt like a fish out of water when I realized that I may be the only person in the class that is not a teacher or some who works for the school system. This is not good for me because we have to pick groups for our major project in a few weeks and like the wimpy kid in little league, I'm afraid no one would pick. We have the option to work alone, so like Neyo, I can be 'a movement by myself.' But I'd rather have some help.

Overall, it was an okay first class. I know I shouldn't let the beginning of my journey reflect my view of the whole thing, but I just feel stupid. How could I not know where I was going? I don't know.

Here is my grateful list:

• Nice people with tissue.
• That I read some of chapter one prior to class.
• Great support system with the most encouraging words.

TTYL!

Final Day of Freedom Day 15

Well, tomorrow the next chapter starts: grad school! I kept this in the back of my head today as I laid around my apartment most of the day, knowing that this may be the last Sunday I get this luxury until around Christmas. I stayed home from church to nurse my cold, which I'm glad to announce should only be around one more day.

Tomorrow night will be my first night of class. I'm excited and so nervous. I read the syllabus a few times and only 35% of it makes sense. After reading it today, I realized that one of my five books will have to be read in its entirety by September 20th. The book is 120 pages, but still. It's a whole book. I read the preface and the first five pages of chapter one of the main textbook and that didn't make me feel so dumb. I at least want to be able to hold my head semi-high on the first night. What I can tell of this course is that there are no tests, but it just a bunch of projects. I will also get 'partner' in the class, which will come in handy if I ever have to miss.

I think I've been downplaying how huge this goal will be. I hit me today, as I skimmed through all of the reading assignments for the next month, how much of a life I will not have. It also hit me that God knows what He is doing by not giving me too much distractions. My church responsibilities are non-existent for now, as I have told everyone I'm accountable to about school and working full time. I'm really glad I did and I'm also thankful for their understanding and prayers. My major prayers for school are that one, I'm doing God's will and studying what He wants me to study, and two, that I'm learning things that will be beneficial to my current job. I want to be able to take this knowledge back and use it ASAP.

My grateful list:

• Understanding 35% of the syllabus
• Friends
• Family
• Ability to pay bills
• Carpet cleaner (such a klutz)
  
• God being able

Good night and have a great week.

Dirty Work Day 14

Hi readers! I'm still under the weather, but the good news is my ears don't need to be popped anymore. I can hear perfectly (unless I blow my nose too hard then I have to wait a few minutes). But today was a good day. I saw two friends live their dream and sell their original art at an art festival. I caught up with a couple of friends and relatives via phone. I may get the bookshelf that I want at a reasonable price by my birthday. My first time using Craig's List and it may be my best friend if this works out.

I called this blog entry dirty work because today I had to deliver some bad news. Last Friday, I blogged about a promising date that I went on. But today, I told the dude that it wouldn't work. Mostly because of a major fact that he left out about himself that I found out during that promising date. The truth is that I'd been so busy this week that I had no time to think about him or the fact that I would have to tell him this isn't going to work. And actually, I didn't feel many sparks. When I blogged last week, I think was just on the high of having a nice night with nice people. And the fact that on dates, I rock! I'm smart, charming, and since I have a journalism background, I basically listen more than I talk and put Barbara Walters to shame as I find out loads of details about my dates. Next week I'll be 30 and sadly, I haven't gotten into a good romantic relationship like I hoped.

This two week experience with this dude taught me a few things. Number one, you can't fake chemistry with someone. It's either there or it isn't. And I've been out with people that I felt chemistry with, so once you know the real thing, you don't want imitation. Second, if you're lying about one thing, there has to be other things. I think in this case dude was lying to himself for so long, he believed what he tried to make me believe. The last thing this taught me is that I am getting better in terms of making clean breaks with people. I used to try and make bad relationships work, but not anymore. I'm learning to love myself more and in relationships, it means not staying if I don't feel comfortable. I don't want to enter my 30s the way I was in the 20s relationship wise. I just have to believe in what I can't see, which is that God has someone special for me.

My grateful list:

• Hearing
• My friend's living their dreams
  
• Talking to my friends today
• School in two days
• Pizza

Good night and you better wake up for church tomorrow.

This Week Needed to End...I Mean I'm Grateful Day 13

Yeah, this week was hard. Hard week at work plus I've been feeling sick all week. Let's break down my symptoms:
Monday - Nauseas and Stomach queasy
Tuesday - Still Nauseas with a sore throat
Wednesday - Sore throat and headache - I went home and slept for almost four hours. Taste buds begin to change. Thought Raisinets were disgusting
Thursday - Sore Throat, headache, Dizzy feeling mixed with stuffy nose.
Today - Stuffy nose, ear ache (desperately need to be popped- any takers?), head just feels stuffy, Can't taste anything and I keep eating like it's going to get better - Silly Rabbit!

So I officially have a cold. So tonight I've been laying low and I have the TV as loud as my parents do (no offense) because it's really hard to hear. I was watching some show on Discovery Health and for dramatic effect there was this beep in the background along with the dramatic music. That beep made me so paranoid. I thought it was someone's smoke detector was going off. Yeah, I'm gonna go back to that channel some day soon.

Well, I am grateful this week is over and for other things, such as:

• My birthday gift from my parents - a GPS! Time to break up with Map Quest. It's not me, it's you!
  
• This week being over
• Good training week
• Dayquil at night (the only reason I can write this blog)
• Did I mention this hectic week being over?!

Good night!

If My Bible Were My Child - Day 12

If my bible were my child, it would have been taken away by family services, even though I don't have a drug and alcohol problem and I'm not a criminal hiding from the law. My poor baby is not home because momma (me) left it in someone's car. I know this sounds like something that happens a lot in Christianville, but here's the part that would get the authorities involved.

I noticed Wednesday morning that my bible wasn't in the house, but I just assumed it was in the car. When I remembered to look in my car on my lunch break today, I realized that it was missing. I immediately remembered that I left it in a friend's car because we carpooled to Cleveland on Sunday. I emailed her and she confirmed my assumption. It didn't hit me until my car ride home from work that may be I should feel bad about this. I have other bibles, but not like this one. My other two bibles are hard-covered. My missing, but found bible is soft and when you bend the pages back, it doesn't ruin the bible. It fits perfectly in my purses and when on the couch, it feels comfortably in my lap. It's like the Snuggle bear of bibles. And now it's gone...well, until next week when I see my friend again.

The real reason that I feel so bad is because this is the same bible that read through last year. In fact, it says One Year Bible on the cover. Last year, me and this bible were thick as thieves. I read it almost everyday. This latest incident just proves how fair weather friends we have become. I need to get back with my bible, physically and mentally. This was a major lesson to me. Although I know my friend will take care of it, I keep getting visions of my bible singing 'Cats in the Cradle' and replacing the 'daddy' with 'mommy' and mommy is me!

Here is my grateful list:

• That my bible is in a safe location
• Two training classes down, one to go
• Double elimination on Big Brother
• One more week until the dirty 30!

Good night and hug your bibles for me!

Are You 'Down'? Day 11

For the past two month, I've rediscovered audio books. I love listening to them in the car, even if I'm driving down the street to the store, I will pop a CD in and just listen to someone else's life. This week I'm listening to I'm Down by Mishna Wolff. I read the book last year and I thought it would be entertaining as an audio book. It is a non-fiction book about a white girl who grew up in a black neighborhood. The funniest part about the book was that her white father actually thought he was black. Poor Mishna. All she wanted to be was the white girl she was born to be. Her little sister fit in to the black culture right away, but Mishna had to try. In the end, Mishna was too white for the black community and too black for the white kids she went to school with and throughout the book she told of her wins and loses of being 'down'.

Although this book has funny parts, it gets sad toward the end. It's always a sad thing to be me when you feel like you can't be yourself. During her life, she wanted her father's approval so much. She never wanted to embarrass him, but that's usually what happened. I can relate to Mishna in that way. As a child, I never wanted to embarrass my family, but it would happen, especially if I tried too hard. I was never the most popular kid. Whether it was my glasses or my friends or just the fact that I was in the room, I got teased. Like Mishna, at times I didn't know where I belonged.

The other day I asked if you would be friends with yourself if you weren't you. Today, my new question is, "As a child, were you 'down'? And by whose standards were you judging how 'down' you were? I know now that I used everyone's standards but my own to judge myself. It's kind of the human thing to do. You look to others for advice and guidance. However, if it guides you towards low self-esteem and self-hatred, you might want to get off of that bus. Now, I have God's standards as my judge. Even days that I don't feel I make the mark at least I can rest in the fact that I'm using a fair and holy judgment system.

My grateful list:

• My friend's good news (So proud of you)
• Mishna's story
• FINALLY finishing my payments for school (I had to charge $9 for some fee they didn't take out of my financial aid. Really Kent? Really?)
• Taco day in the cafeteria
  
• Finally having a hair goal...pray it works out for your girl.

Good night and God bless!

The Day Perfection Dies Day 10

Today was one of those days that started with hopelessness and tears. Some many little and big things led to this. I was able to snap out of it thanks to two things; a call to my mother and listening to soft gospel on the way to work. It helped get me in the mood for an optimistic day. There were events in this day that made me doubt everything good and everything in general. However, it ended with hope and love and the realization that I don't understand half of the things on this course syllabus. Seriously, I feel stuck on stupid reading this thing. Now, a person with common sense would think, "Duh! The reason you're in this class is to learn things you don't know so this syllabus should be like reading a foreign language." But my thought process was "WT_! This whole thing was a mistake. Maybe I can use my loan money for my vacation next year." I wanted to back out. Thankfully, I have a co-worker that has studied all of this before and she was able to translate the syllabus for me and I feel a tiny bit better about this. Also, God granted me some common sense to get through the mini panic attack I was giving myself about school.

College is such a different animal than it was eight years ago. Everything is online and nothing, including my bill, looks like you think it should. And everyone looks so young! And standing in the Bursar's office line I felt like a Cougar amongst the babies. But I know it will all be okay and that once I get to my specific course, I will see people that look like me (age wise) and have real responsibilities like me (bills and a benefit giving job).

Please pray for me because I'm having throat problems and I have two important courses to teach this week. Here is what this day brought in terms of being grateful:

• Mommy
• Misreading a bill
• Getting my books
• People believing in you when you don't
  
• Not being perfect
• The fact that I thought I was perfect
• Another day to try again.

Good night!

These are the Days of Our Lives Day 9

Today sucked! I'm sorry God and readers, but making my own weather didn't work today. I was frustrated, distant, and just not happy. I got some things accomplished, but I had to fight through the excuses of others. You ever feel like you bend so much for others that you'll never stand up straight? That was me today and only Andy (a.k.a Anne Hathaway) could understand my life.

To top it all off, something that I thought I could live without I felt today that I couldn't and although that should have scared me and I should have instantly rebuked satan, I didn't. Instead, I basically shrug my shoulders when I think about it. I don't know. This adult stuff is hard.

As hard as it was, I found some things to be grateful for:

• Clean hair
• The end is near on a project
• Leftovers

I'll try harder tomorrow. I promise!

Rock On Day 8

Today I went to one of my favorite places, the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame. If you're a music geek like me, you'd love it! There are so many exhibits to see, music to listen to, and documentaries to watch. My Sunday School class and I went there today on a field trip. Two of the people that went had never been and that is one place where it always fun to see it with someone who has never been before. We all had a great time and learned so many things.

One of my dream jobs is to be a Pop Culture Professor. It would love to teach a course where students learned about some of the great musical artists that we viewed today at the Rock Hall, as well as cinema and sitcoms. The best career you can have is to turn your hobby into your career. For grad school, I wanted to concentrate my studies in American Studies but I found out after being accepted that the program for it is no longer offered. So now I kind of back to square one and I don't know what to concentrate in. Please keep me in your prayers that I find the right mix of my true passions and the courses that can go with them.

Grateful list:

1. Music
2. Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame
3. Fellowships outside of church
4. Great message at church today
5. Being a music geek
6. Staying strong
   

I pray you have a great week!

Me Time Day 7

It's funny how you can spend a lot of money without even thinking. Between putting gas in the car, a trip to Target, paying my library fees, and buying my favorite lazy day food, pizza and hot wings, I think I'm out almost $70. I hate being an adult! But it was all things I needed, especially the pizza. I did work on work stuff today and now I feel better about the week ahead so I wasn't entirely lazy. I like my love seat. It's so comfortable and since I have a habit of sleepy in the fetal position, it's perfect for afternoon laziness and napping.

Overall, I managed to stay grateful and optimistic today. I'm finding myself turning my frown upside down more lately and not in a fake way. I'm telling myself to cheer up and be happy for happiness. I'm doing it so I can focus more on the positive instead of the worst case scenarios. There are so many news things coming up in my life. One more week until school starts and two more weeks until I turn 30. And to top it all off, I'm meeting new people that I know God placed in my life instead of me placing people in my life for company's sake. One month ago all of these things scared, but I'm learn to smile and accept and breath in all the wonderful blessings of God one moment at a time.

Today I am grateful for:

• Pizza
• The ability to keep myself company - I guess I would be friends with myself after all!
• Church tomorrow

Have a wonderful evening and you better get up for church tomorrow!

Getting Real Day 6 (Sort of)

I'm sorry this entry is so late. Although I know you know how to read a clock, we are going to count this entry as Day 6-Friday instead early Saturday morning like it really is. I had a rushed day at work today, but it was productive and informative. This evening I had a double date. Yes, I went on a date! It's is just as weird to type as it is for you to read. And...I had a great time! I laughed really hard, I learned a lot, and I got real probably too real according to dating books, but I'm sure it was received well. The nice part was the people I was with were real back so it wasn't just me brain farting out loud all night. Overall, it was a great evening and I wouldn't mind being in the company of this particular gentleman without the adult supervision of our mutual friends.

It's been a long day, so here is my grateful list:

• Being a heart with ears to someone who seriously needed to vent.
• A great double date
• Laughter (I think this might be on my list everyday)
• Discernment
• Pep talks
• Moving on.

Have a good one!

Woke Up Smiling Day 5

I woke up smiling this morning! This is a big deal. I normally don't remember waking up or when I do, I'm sure it kind of looks like Amy Winehouse after a night of tons of wine. You know, with a wet pillow, humming breath, and a disgusted looking face that reads, 'who farted'? My future husband has a lot to look forward to, especially first thing in the morning.

I wish I could have seen the smile, but it felt beautiful. Because it was so early in the morning, I know I wasn't smiling because of my blogging assignment. It was real! It reminds me of when I get into a good feeling laugh where my whole body feels it and whatever made it begin was really funny. The smile made me feel warm and really excited for the day. There are a few thoughts and events that contributed to this smile. Since I didn't Rest Up like my previous blog post told me to, I will not go into those details. Just know that life is turning around for your girl and I can't wait to see what becomes.

Today I am grateful for:

• Smiling
• Optimism
• Finishing my financial aid paperwork for school...it's official-again!
• My family

I'm glad people are thinking about the question I asked the other day. Would you be friends with yourself if you weren't you? I hope by answering this question that you have major transformation in your life. Take care.

Rest Up Day 4

Today was long and kind of hard. Just when you think you've crossed all of your tee's on something, you missed something. That's what work felt like today. Like I was a day late for the prom or something. The good news is that thanks to my 'Be Grateful' homework assignment I'm determined to power through. Although I still cuss inside my head when times get tough and I feel stressed, when I power through, like today, the cuss fades away and I begin to think thoughts of productivity and common sense. The common sense being that if you think of a problem as a problem it will be a problem. I teach in one of my classes that you should see problems as an opportunity, a good opportunity, to change something. Today, as painful as it was, I changed my attitude. I prayed to God for the strength to make it through the difficult task that I have to finish up tomorrow and for the wisdom needed for it.

At church tonight, Bishop reminded me that when you are being who God wants you to be, He will equip you. If it's too hard or you're getting too frustrated, then it's not your call to do that particular task. The most frustrating thing about my task at work today is the deadline, which is Friday. Because of competing tasks, I waited until this week to start something that I would have started at least day two of a 3 week deadline. So not only I am confused on the assignment, I'm kicking myself at the same time for waiting so long. But when I realized that God equipped me to work on this task, it helped me to make the most of my time left and the task. I still have some things to complete on it, but I know I can complete them and that helps.

Today, grateful looks like this:

• Family
• My intelligence
• Starbucks
• Good neighbors
• Buffalo chicken
• B.o.B. CD (really great, especially when you're working late and need a good beat in your head)
• Sonoma Pear candles (they just smell so good)
• Evidence that my workouts are working because I can barely move anything.

Have a good evening and make sure you help control the pet population.

Getting A Grip on Gratitude Day 3

Tonight I was asked by a friend what I was grateful for today. I told him what I was grateful for in that moment, but truthfully, I thought about what I was going to post tonight all day. At random times at work, I was sitting at my desk thinking, "what am I grateful for today?" I think, as my title suggests, I need to get a grip on this grateful goal. I thought so much about it that I probably didn't live in the moment(s) at all today. However, I do think this challenge is working because I was thinking about what to be grateful for so much that I didn't have a lot of negative thoughts. In fact, I think I was a normal human being today, still equip with my genuine emotions and funny outlook on life. And to think, I thought this kind of existence was myth.

I hoping this challenge can help me be a person that I would even want to be around. Have you ever asked yourself, 'would I be friends with me if I wasn't me?' I suggest you ask yourself that and make a list, one side with all the reasons you would be your friend and the other side with the reasons you wouldn't be friends with yourself. I didn't make such lists because I didn't have to. God has been opening my eyes for months now on how I can be a better person and love myself more. It scared me at first. What if I really didn't like myself once I started changing? But once my ego and fear get out of the way, I realized that with God's guidance, I can be a different better person and that doesn't mean changing every little thing. So I have a lot riding on this challenge...in fact, a key friendship is at stake here!

Here are the things I am grateful for today:

• Total Body Toning (Paulie's the best)
• My arms thanks to Total Body Toning class
  
• Good hair day
• Not lying to Ryan about what I was going to put on this list
• Quizno coupons
  
• Text messaging
• Being told you're beautiful by an unexpected person
• Agreeing with my mother on two things today.
  

Have a great evening and keep smiling!

Grateful Girl Day 2

Well, like the usual fabrics of my life, I get tested on things almost as soon as learn them. In the last post, I told you that I went to two emotions courses last week and wouldn't you know that I would feel every emotion but the right ones within my first hour of being at work. The place I have to apply my learning is the place that helped lead me to having to learn those skills.

When I got to work, I had the positivity and optimism of all the birds and mice that worked for Cinderella. Waiting for my computer to load up, I experienced an burst of annoyance only Joan Crawford would understand. Between people leaving papers and notes on my desk and a file not having all of the right information, I felt like a character out of the bible looking first God for aid and help. Although I started going off on everything and everyone in my head, I remembered something I learned in class and other sources: take a breath. I quickly trained my mind to concentrate at the task at hand and to deal with life as it comes and in that moment, life was handing me the lemons to make awesome lemonade, if I chose to. I'm happy to report I chose to...all day. That doesn't mean I was fake or a door mate. When I had moments where I had to stick up for myself, I used the facts of the situations to help make my point and I realized how much better that worked and sounded versus me going, "but I don't wanna."

Here are things I am grateful for today:

1. Breathing
2. Extended deadlines
3. Books on CD
4. Meeting new people, particularly men. As scared as I am to join the world of dating again, it feels good to be asked. 4b. Making friends with a co-worker and her thinking of me and my singleness. If the guy didn't remind of my father looks wise, I would have hollered. Yes, I have a think about that and maybe too many Lifetime Movies and the movie, Precious are to blame.
   
5. Family returning safely from trips.
6. Clearance candles from Target. Definitely need to go back and get the entire collection of Sonoma Pear-wonderful scent.
7. Everyone who has taken the time to ask me about school. Thanks for the support-so needed.

Have a wonderful, thankful night.

In the Mood for Gratitude Day 1

Hello all! There are many reasons behind the title and theme of the next 30 days of blog posts. The first reason is because on Wednesday one of my friends from college posted a gratitude post on her Facebook status. On her status, she said she was going to list three things she was grateful for the next 28 days. From what I've seen she has kept her word.

The other two reasons for my gratitude posts are because of two emotions classes I've taken on Thursday and Friday. The Thursday class was called How to Manage Emotions Under Pressure and Excel in the Workplace. In case you couldn't tell by the title, I was kind of mandated by my job to take. But when it was suggested that I take a course like that, I wasn't too offended by it. I know that I am an emotional person. I feel things deeply, especially things you shouldn't feel so deep. My job doesn't know this but I have been praying about being a more positive person and I desperately want to make my own weather and want it to be warm everyday. This class had the homework of doing something you've learned in class. I decided to do the gratitude/thankful journal and also smile more in the workplace no matter what. The other class I took was I class that wasn't court ordered. It was called Emotional Intelligence, Tolerance, & Diversity for the White Guy. The instructor had to change the last portion of the title to 'Diversity for Everyone' just to teach the class at the location it was held. It was a great class and focused on your emotions and what happens to your body when you have terrible emotions. The section on diversity didn't talk about diversity in the typical way. It talked about the way a harasser-bully-bigot thinks and what goes through their mind and it all tied back to the Emotional Intelligence concept.

Based on all of those events, I decided to blog about what I am grateful for for the next 30 days. I know that means actually blogging but I think I could handle it. I learning that my entries do not have to be the long epics that they've been so I would love to accept this challenge. I will always have three things, but maybe more depending on time and what happened that day. I also hope that these entries will help my closeness with God. One of my other major prayers has been to see the woman that God sees in me. People in my life have helped with this recently, but I need to see through God's glasses everyday.

Here are the things I am grateful for today:
1. The option to go to 8 a.m. service at my church (love it).
2. A great friend in Terra.
3. The ability to throw things away. TV shows like Hoarders make me thankful that today I was able to clear half of a shelf of my bookcase without a second thought.
4. Things coming to pass in my friend's and families lives. Spiritual gifts being displayed and my sister FINALLY going to Disneyland...so happy for her. Out of all of us she has always wanted to go and now she's there. Hope you're having fun.

That's all for now. Have a blessed week and I can't wait to change my perspective for the next 30 days.

Half of My Heart

Last week something wonderful happened. I finally liked a song by John Mayer again. Before last week, I was living in the past as far as he concerned. I fell in love with his Room for Squares CD back in 2002 and still play it til this day. There was a time when I couldn't take a car ride over that was over an hour long without it. It is one of the five CDs in my life that I can listen from start to finish without having to skip any of the songs because of annoyance. So last week was the first time I really listened to his song, Half of My Heart featuring Taylor Swift. For those of you who have never heard the song, the chorus lyrics are:
Oh, half of my heart's got a grip on the situation./Half of my heart takes time./Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)/Oh, with half of my heart.
Based on recent events that inspired my last blog "Can I Love Something Enough to Let It Go?" this song really speaks to where I am right now. Lately, I've been feeling a lot of different emotions about my life. One day I'm happy that I made it this far. The next day I feel like a failure for all of the unfinished projects that are on the laptop I'm typing on right now. The day after that I'm crying because yet another person in my life has found the love of their life. The following day I'm all, "screw them all. Screw it all, really." The proceeding day I feel bad that I personalize a lot of things and can't be happy for someone else without being sad for myself. The day after that I feel at peace with being happy for them and where God has placed me. On the seventh, well, I'm resting (thanks Genesis for the wonderful idea). Today, listening to the song for the 100th time at my cubicle, I began to make a list of the things of what half of my heart is feeling right now.
Half of my heart:

• Doesn't want to go back to school.
• Doesn't like what I do for a living.
• Is in love.
• Wants to live closer to my family so that no matter how hard my day was I can touch someone who looks like me.
• Wants to get rid of cable so I can go back to living like an Amish and read and do word searches more.
• Really wants to risk being 30 with braces if it means that I can close the mile markers on the right side of my mouth.
• Wants the whole heart to grow a pair so we can really pursue some things.
  
• Wants the other half to speak up so it can shut up.
  

After making this list, I read a bible verse on my lunch break about the heart that I think God put in my sight to comfort and it kind of worked (on one side of my heart anyway).
This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. - 1 John 3:19-20
I Google this verse to find out what it meant. After reading various interpretations, I looked at the part that struck me the most. For God is greater than our hearts. God is greater than anything that I'm feeling right now because he is the one that molds my future and being. Some of the things I listed that are in my heart I feel bad about, especially those things that I know God wants from me. However, when I think God and his love for me, I know that whatever is in my heart will not top what He can and Will do and the fact that if he has no place in my heart, then my heart really means nothing. I have to have God in my whole heart. Not half and not part of the time. I don't feel 100% Christian everyday mostly because of the thoughts that come into my head. But when I think about my life now versus the old me, I know that I'm a Christian and no matter how confused I am about the present and especially the future and what I should and shouldn't do about it, I know that God is in my heart. All of it.

This week John Mayer and I have kissed and made up and I've forgiven him for the last eight years of junk. I wish I could thank him personally for writing a song that made me feel human and okay with my feelings. I like using only half of it because I think I have been able to be 100% honest with myself about how I feel and why. My only prayer for myself this week is that God can help me discern of this half of my heart is on to something or if the other half should come back from vacation soon so I can make whole decisions.

Can I Love Something Enough to Let It Go?

I’m going to be honest. This topic first came to mind because of a personal situation I’m dealing with right now. But that subject is way too personal and close to my heart to put on my blog. However, as I thought more about the question I’ve been asking myself for the past week, it made me think of other events in my life that I don’t mind writing about. As I mentioned in the last post, I am going back to school in the fall for my graduate degree. Although I know this is the best thing for me, I can’t help but think of some of the things I’m going to be giving up to do this. Mainly, the freedom that came with being an adult. The freedom to literally go to work and come home. In August, I will have two classes a week that will give me lots of reading and papers to write. I will have to miss church on Wednesday nights and probably my workout class on Tuesday evenings (that is if nothing is due for class the next day, which means yes I will say bye-bye to class). Before June, I had the equivalent attitude of a teenage mom regarding grad school. I thought, ‘my life won’t change that much. I can still hang with the girls, have plenty of time for Prince Charming (when he meets me), and for other activities (like coming home from work and kickin’ it on the couch).’ Well, let me tell you. My friends have Scared Me Straight, but thankfully, not so much that I took back my acceptance. They just put my upcoming life in perspective for me and I’m totally grateful. Now, I just need to become ‘adult’ enough to handle this new adventure.

Adult for me means putting down the remote, going to bed at a decent hour, saying bye-bye to Hudson’s great combo of Jillian Michaels and Denise Austin (shout out to Paulie), and really taking my future (now that I have one again) seriously. So I ask the question again, ‘can I love something enough to let it go?’ I don’t know about you, but sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in the world that has to let go of the things I love. It seems like everyone around me can keep what they love and sometimes get more stuff to love. Like love relationships, for example, other people can break up with someone and it be a painful love and then meet the love of their life two weeks later and keep that love. Not your girl, here. When I let go of a love, I have a three-five year community service sentence of loneliness and have to be all runner-up contestant like as I smile for the good fortune of others. My new favorite ice cream, Starbucks' Strawberries and Cream Frappuccino, is only out for a limited time, so unless by popular demand it stays I'll have to let that go too. (Damn! Damn! Damn!) But back to grad school and the upcoming funeral to my free time and getting out of debt sooner. If Michael Jackson never could say goodbye, then I feel like I’m always saying goodbye. And since I think Lionel Ritchie is lyrical genius, I want to rather sing his song and say, “Hello”.

And of course hearing, Leann Rimes singing “How Do I Live (without you)?” on the work Muzak system everyday doesn’t help accepting the fact that God wants me to let go of things. He wants me to release those things are not good for me so that He can fill them with good, quality things. He wants me to give up my love for everything on TV to get the best education of all. He wants me to risk sleep and doing fun things now in order to ultimately do the funnest thing everyday and get to call it a career. Even if I wasn’t going back to school, there should be some sort of dream in my heart. Even if it is just the excitement and zeal I had when I first started this blog. I felt this great responsibility, but a great sense of purpose at the same time that I was really grateful to God for.

So can I be strong enough, adult enough, and Christian enough to let things in my life go so that God can move and show me things that are probably 10 times better? Let’s find out.

How I'm Spending My Summer Vacation

Hello all! Yes, I'm still Christian and yes, I still have cleavage! Here's an update on my life in the form of 10 questions:

1. Where have you been? Well, I've been working hard at my J-O-B (just over broke). I enrolled in graduate school and will begin in the fall. I also recently had a wonderful vacation.
2. What are going to study in graduate school? Masters of Education - Curriculum and Instruction. I'm still deciding what my concentration will be. I take a tour of Kent State this weekend and I cannot wait.
3. What made you want to go to grad school? Well, I feel I want to learn more about the educational field and that now more than ever companies want Master degrees so I need to reposition myself. The first career I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a teacher. I had a chalkboard, stickers, and tons of stuffed animals that were my students. And the bigger stuffed animals were the parents. I loved them all and gave them great backstories from the girl raised by the single father to the most popular and wealthiest girl in school (she had a pool too)! So at a young age, I loved the education field and had a gift of fiction. Who knew!
4. Where did you go on vacation? I went to New Yoooo-rrrkkk (sings Alicia Keys in my head). I went to visit my best pal from college. She took me everywhere! I've been to New York before, but not like a person who lived there. We were constantly on the subway and walking and although I had back pains at the end of each day, I loved it! I of course got 'labels' while I was there, like my new Prada (a.k.a. Hawta) purse. But really I saw Brooklyn, Chinatown, Little Italy, Times Square, saw Promises, Promises on Broadway (very funny), 34th Street, Mood (the fabric store from Project Runway), Gray's Papaya, Junior's (yes, P. Diddy was justified in making them walk. The cheesecake was excellent), the Seaport (wonderful area-definite highlight), and dinner one night in East Village (wish I saw it during the day time because it seemed like a cool place, too). I'm sure I left out stuff but it was wonderful. Highly recommend seeing New York by foot and when you have enough time to explore.
5. How's the bible reading? Next question.
6. Did you miss your blog? Yes, I did. I was glad for the break because it seemed like I had nothing to say. Plus, with everything going on, I felt the need to live for a while and then come back. But really, if anyone that was a follower reads this entry, I will really be grateful beyond words.
7. How do you feel about going to school and working full time? Not totally thrilled. I never wanted to go back to school, first of all. It was going to be me and my Bachelors for life! But the world is changing and my interests are changing. I need thought I'd want to study Education, but I do. I really want to teach college level and also do some consulting eventually so this degree program is perfect. Plus, I know others that are going to school and working and raising a family and running businesses, so what's my excuse? It's still me, myself, and I at home, so let's do it now before the guy comes along and sweeps me off my feet to knock me up.
8. Come on, you read none of the bible in the past month? Well, for a Sunday School lesson, I reread most of Ecclesiastes and I laughed my butt off. It's so funny and very true. The verse that made me feel better about being me was Ecc. 8:1 - "How wonderful to be wise, to analyze and interpret things. Wisdom lights up a person's face, softening its harshness." I analyze everything from rootus to the toothus so that made me feel great about my questioning of everything.
9. Read any good books lately? Fiction wise: Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornsby and Heart of the Matter by Emily Giffin. Non-fiction: It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken; My Fair Lazy (still reading), and So Long Insecurity, You've Been a Friend too Long (didn't finish yet, but already helpful).
10. Final Thoughts? This year has been a transforming year thus far. For the first time in a long time, I am spending money on myself and able to do the things others take for granted, like buying a new shirt, new nail polish colors, and oh yeah, wear sunglasses because I finally got contacts again for the first time in four years. I'm starting to care more about me, physically and emotionally. My line of the year is 'you have to teach people how to treat you' (thanks Regina). But I'm taking that a step further and treating myself better so others will know that I take pride in myself and making sure I'm not settling for less than the best God has for me in everything. Thanks for reading and have a wonderful evening. I want to leave you with a picture of Brooklyn's finest...what a majority of the mannequins look like at stores there. Enjoy!

PEACE Series

Hi everyone (or the one that hasn't given up on me posting to the blog again)! This month has been a true testament of how God can use you even when you're tired and uninspired. In my last post, I mentioned that I would be teaching my Sunday School this month and the topic that was suggested was peace. At the time this topic was suggested, I had a minimum amount of peace and had pondered how to make my life peaceful on several occasions. Well, driving home from work at the end of April, a wonder acronym for the word peace came to me. Since there are five Sundays this May, I decided to teach about one letter/word of the acronym per Sunday. I am very grateful to God for this acronym. Not just because I could have something to teach the class, but because it made me like the last three years of really living for God have not been a waste. Some days I am a better Christian than others, but when knowledge from God hits me the way this acronym hits me, I remember the beautiful feeling of God using me for a bigger purpose. It is not me, and it's about God's kingdom and delivering real messages that will change lives and my life as well. This PEACE Series can relate to anything in area of your life, such as having peace about decisions you've made, forgiveness (whether giving or receiving), job stress, family, friends, home life, your appearance, etc. There are several things that may disrupt your peace. Hopefully this acronym will help you.

Here is the acronym for PEACE and the lessons behind them:
P stands for Pause. What I mean by pause is to take the time to realize you don't have any peace. You know yourself enough to know when something is off with you. The first step is to recognize that you don't have peace. For the first class, I had everyone write down the signs that indicate when they do not have any peace. Not people in general but themselves because the goal of this whole series is for everyone to have an action plan of how they can maintain/regain peace. Some of the things I listed for myself, include crying for no reason, bitterness, over-eating, avoiding people, mad, and not sleeping.

E stands for Exercise Caution. This lesson was called, "God's Gift of Peace, the World's Gift of Drama." For God's gift, I used John 14:27 and for the World's gift I used Psalm 120:6-7. We all have people or things in our lives that bring us drama and hence, disturb our peace. For this lesson, I had everyone list two people. places, or things that bring you drama. Along with listing them, I had write down the feeling associated with the people, place, or things, why they feel this way, and what they should do when drama is brought to them. This exercise was great and effective because everyone had different things and it is something that may apply as soon as they leave the class, meaning the drama may be in their own home and now they can prayerfully handle it better once they've thought it out.

A stands for Accept Responsibility. It is important to accept responsibility for your part in why your peace is disturbed. Even if the worst thing in the world happen to you and you are truly the victim, you still have responsibility. In that case, you are responsible for your healing. You should say to yourself, "Ok, this happened to me. Now what?" Believe it or not, the worst thing that happened to you could be where you ministry comes from. You could heal from your situation just by sharing your testimony with someone else. So for this lesson, I had everyone write down their actions, feelings, and ideas for healing about the situations in their lives that are causing them not to have peace. This was a hard class. It required honesty and a commitment to making your own life a better place.

Since the last two Sunday's haven't happened yet, I'm still working on their lessons, but here are the acronyms and meanings for the 'C' and the second 'E'.

C stands for Corrective Action. Corrective Action is taking control of your life and doing activities that will bring you peace. For example, when I have a hard day and want my peace back, I may do any of the following things: listen to music, exercise, read a book, shopping, etc. This year I started getting magazines at home again and sometimes after a hard day, it's nice to come home to big fashion magazines with good articles and pretty pictures. Your peaceful activities can be anything and whatever it is, is what will help you during a trying time.

E stands for Exhale. Once you have peace, you should be a little less stressed and literally be able to breath easier. Peace doesn't mean that everything is going well and the people in your life that bring you drama go away. I don't want you to think that. Having peace is all about being able to handle the bumps of life, not get rid of or avoid them. There's the saying, 'grow where you're planted'. That's a tough saying to swallow for me sometimes, but God has constantly worked that way for me. When I have prayed for another job because my job gets tough, God doesn't give me the new job because he wants me to shine and truly look like his in my old, terrible job. When I have looked for other states and cities to live in, God has told me for now to stay put and that he can bless me and work with me here in ways that might not work in a bigger city or sunny city. Turning your test into a testimony requires looking within and doing some hard work and practicing patience sometimes. So this overall lesson deals with having peace, not necessarily getting rid of anyone. Sorry!

That's the PEACE series in a nut shell. If you have any questions or suggestions, please put them in the Comments section or email me. If you would like to see the materials from the classes thus far, email me and I'll send them to use. Please post comments on how you're doing with maintaining peace in your life. God bless and sorry it took so long!

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda, and Did...

A long time I read somewhere 'you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the things that you did.' This is a good saying for most good things and also some hard things that you have to face. I can think of a few things that I didn't get a chance to do that I regret, such as:

• Not going on the 6th grade trip to Canada.
  
• Singing in the high school choir.
• When asked by my last job what markets (states) I would like to live in, not picking California or Texas first.
• Going to grad school right after college.
• Not writing for my college newspaper until my senior year.
  
• Not working on my book this year although I put it as a goal in a January blog post.
• Studying overseas in college.

But what about those things that you did that you never thought you would regret that you do? How does that affect you? Or better yet, how do you make it not affect you? Recently, I kept a promise to someone close to me. Although the situation seemed like a good one and fruitful one to anyone else, I was sad. I was sad because of my lack of emotional and physical involvement I ended up having in this person's life and the fact that the warm moments I dreamt of having one day didn't occur. So now I'm left wondering should I regret keeping my word and being a good person for the important person in my life? My first answer (and maybe it's the Christian one) is no, I should be happy I was there for them and that they are happy. But as a human (yes, I am one and not a Johnny 5 for those who don't know me), I kind of do regret being there for them. I didn't have to travel to get my feelings hurt. I truly believe that even before Tyler Perry said it, that I CAN do bad by myself. But then again, how fun is that?
Right now, I am trying to have peace with my decisions and the hurt feelings that remain. I want to move past this because I know from past experience when I hold onto anger, it only hurts me and the other person is living their life like it's golden. And frankly, I've got things to do and a life to live so this needs to pass. Today, I found a scripture that I know will help me get over this.
Psalm 34:14 - Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace and work to maintain it.
This scripture is interesting because it truly is a homework assignment. It doesn't tell you where to search for peace or even how, so I guess that will be the fun part! Finding peace is going to be my homework assignment for this week for this situation and other things that have been on my mind this year. I am also going to build my Sunday School class around this scripture and will probably post the findings upon completion. I have found peace in the past about past decisions, regrets, friends and family issues, my career, and of course, love life or lack thereof. I pray for peace right now because there are so many things that I need accomplish and not having peace will postpone those things. I love you, readers and I will write again soon. Your homework is to leave a comment on how you have found peace or if you are on a peace finding journey how is it going.

Vacation Over...

I, like others with common sense, wouldn't go on a vacation without telling my employer about it. So I guess it wasn't kosher for me to go on vacation from my own blog and not tell anyone about it. I'm truly sorry for that. I needed time to clear my head, which as I type this, realize that is a loaded statement. The truth is your head never going to be fully cleared. You are always going to have some thought, idea, concept, second-guess, doubt, unanswered question, brain fart, etc. going on in your head. Yes, your idea might come to life and yes, your question will one day be answered, but in the meantime, you have you, your thoughts, and hopefully God to pray to about the insanity going on in your head.

Like a heathen walking to the alter with my head down, that's how I feel as I write this. God put this blog in my heart and I feel bad for not continuing the assignment for the past month. I thought about writing everyday. But it was weird. It was like every time I wanted to go to my laptop and write, it felt like my laptop had a lock on it and I didn't have the key. I just couldn't do it. When people would ask about my lack of blogging, like yesterday (thanks Mark), I said that I didn't just want to write fluff and wanting this blog to have meaning. Well, that's true, but my tag line is 'the bumpy road to being all calls you to be', so I should have let you in on the bumps and not hid from you and them.

The truth is after this hiatus from writing I don't feel too much wiser. I mean God blessed me in the interim in many ways and I did get some thinking done. However, I still have a few unanswered questions, still grieving some things I wanted to believe, and I haven't done much bible reading. And the bible reading or lack there of - well let's just say I've been my own case study (which was something I met to write about). Not reading has left me feel a little distant from God and also not as calm and wise. Reading mostly everyday last year mainly taught me discipline because no matter how tired, angry, hungry, or crazy I felt, I still read and learn a little something each time.

I'm not saying I promise to write everyday, but only writing once a month was not what's up and definitely not what God meant this blog for. But I will make more appearances and also bring back the 'I Thought It Was Just Me' blog entries. I enjoyed those and I know others did to. Please keep me in your prayers and I definitely have kept you all in mine. Oh yeah, I missed you!

Hello, It's Me. I've Thought About Us for a Long, Long Time

Hello readers. I'm sorry about my lack of words and inspiration. God blessed me with this blog and not using it can be worse than using it wrong. I thought I should let you know where I am.

As much as I didn't want to be one of those 'Oh my God I'm turning 30 this year' people, I have sadly turned into one of those people. It seems that when this year started I felt this sense of urgency to reevaluate and ultimately change everything about my life. From my education status to my eating habits, I wanted to be this different person. Only one problem - I didn't (and still haven't) consulted God on any of this. God should be the first person I turn to when the world doesn't seem right and when I think change needs to occur. That's not to say I haven't prayed about stuff, but I don't truly think I've been myself in the position to hear from God. I have so many days where I think I've heard from God, but don't know for sure. I want to know for sure.

I told a friend last week that this year has been like an unofficial case study for me in hearing from God. The one thing that Christian will tell you will help you stay in his presence is reading his word. I mentioned in a previous post that I want to read through the bible again this year. Well, that's not going so good. In fact, in my One Year Bible I'm on January 20th - I know right! Thankfully, in May my church is having a class based on the book, Reading through the Bible in 90 Days at a time when I will be able to participate. Hopefully, that will help me with that goal. But it is not about the goal - it's about the lack of relationship and feeling comfortable in my own skin. I felt towards the end of last year that I was blowing off and letting go of the wrong people and sadly holding on to the worst people I could have in my life. It's time to cut some string and hold on to some for dear life. I'll pray to God on how to handle the cutting when it comes. One book I read two months ago that was really good is It's Called a Break-up Because It's Broken. It's by the same guy who wrote He's Just Not that Into You. I thought the book would be this humor way to break up with people, but it is really informative and has some good times that I think can apply to any break-up. It is also good for helping you get back to the person you were before only stronger and a little wiser.

I feel like I'm just talking at this point, which is one of the reasons I haven't been blogging. All of my thoughts have been streaming together lately and don't make much sense not even to me. But I think about Christian Cleavage and the wonderful people that I have read it almost everyday. I didn't mean to not write for as long as I have. I realize what a responsibility this is. I don't want to just write to write and I don't want to lead anyone down a wrong path, especially since I'm not perfect and need to start going back to my own words to help me through times. I'm praying God gets me out of my comfort zone of laziness and also that I figure out what I want to be when I grow up. God's blessed me with so many talents and abilities and over the past few years, I've spent some time with most of them but no finished product from any of them. I prayed a lot that this blog wouldn't be another unfinished project. Please pray with me, readers. I love what this blog has meant to others and what it's meant to me. I wasn't scared when I started it, but I'm scared now because I have to keep it going. I've had no 'I thought it was just me Wednesday' because I haven't been reading God's word and had nothing to agree with.

I just wanted to post this message to tell you that I will be back. I just need to decide on what to focus on in my life and also work on issues that I've had for a long time that I do know God is calling me to deal with. Please keep checking coming to this blog and don't give up on me. Love ya and have a blessed week.

I Thought It Was Just Me Thursday - Comfort Zone

I'm sure you've heard people say, 'don't look back'. I've found a few scriptures that actually agree with this same sentiment. It is important not to look back. In fact, it could actually lead to death, which was the case for Lot's wife who is the focus of this Thursday edition of I Thought It Was Just Me.

The setting was Sodom and the cast of characters included an angel, the Lord, Lot, his wife, and other family members. The Lord is about to destroy the city and he gives Lot and his family the opportunity to get out. As I am reading through the bible again this year, I didn't realize until this year how hesitant Lot was to leave as well. Genesis 19:16 states, "When Lot hesitated, the angels seized his hand and the hands of his wife and his daughters and rushed them safely outside of the city, for the Lord was merciful." Lot didn't want to leave either, but he gave into the angels and left anyway. His wife, however, still had reservations, which ultimately got the best of her and killed her.

Genesis 19:26 - But Lot's wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt.

When I've read this scripture in the past I thought, 'how dare she look back? Obviously the Lord was destroying the city for a reason and he was gracious enough to save you. In words of Fred Sanford, I thought Lot's wife was a 'big dummy' for looking back. Now, I read that scripture and realize how much sense it makes that she would look back. Lot's wife was looking back to her life and the things that she was used to. She probably loved her life. She probably was looking back at memories of her home, friends, lifestyle, hobbies, and well, her sense of self. Her comfortable life was being destroyed and inside, that was probably destroying her. She was comfortable.

I, like Lot's wife, love to be comfortable. I like going to places that make me feel comfortable. I open up to people who I feel comfortable around. I like to strip as soon as get home from anywhere and put on my comfortable clothes. Comfort. Comfort. Comfort. One thing you have to realize and Lot's wife died to realize is that what makes you feel comfortable is not always really comforting and a good situation for you. For example, have you ever been in an on-again, off-again relationship? Well, I was in one that lasted six years. You leave and then come back and then leave again just to come back in a few days or hours. It's craziness. But the reason I participated in six years of madness was because there was some sort of comfort with the other person. Although it was a dysfunctional comfort, it was a comfort just the same and well, why rock the boat.

Lot's wife was comfortable in her old life and by looking back she indicated that she didn't want to leave it. Over the past few months, I've realized how comfortable I will certain habits I've participated in for years. I shared in a past blog post about not always working out and doing it when I felt like it. Well, that was a habit - a habit of not caring and going on with life as it is with no regard for the future. As I approach turning 30, I know that I want my 30s to be different than my 20s, which means that my current comfort zone will have to be shaken up. Yes, I'm scared. Yes, I want to refuse to do some of the things I need to do to get to the next level. But as a praying Christian, I have to rely on those prayers and what God is saying through them. Some of my goals and dreams I'm not totally seeing. How am I going to pay for this or that? Where am I going to find the energy? What if I fail? I keep asking God these questions and he keeps wanting to show how he is God and can do anything. So that only leaves me one option - to step out of my comfort zone and into my faith in the Lord that serve.

I wish Lot's wife would have believed the Lord and not looked back. She may have had a life that she would have never imagined. Also, maybe her daughters wouldn't have taken the family's drama into their own hands and got pregnant by their father in the upcoming chapters. Yes, you read that right just in case you've never read that part of the bible. Go and read it for yourself. It's some hot mess! By telling you not to look back, I'm not saying you can't remember your past. Like a Pastor recently said on television, there's a way to look at your past differently where you can see the lessons and blessings from it. Yes, use your past as a teaching tool for yourself. I do it all the time. However, if you are so stuck in your past you can move into something God is calling you to do, then there's a problem.

When Christian Cleavage had Boyfriends...

Since I put Jesus' imaginary dating life on blast, I thought it would be only fair and holiday appropriate to put myself out there as well. I, Christian Cleavage, am a single woman. This is old news to those who know me, but to those of you who don't know anything about me, that is my marital status. I have been single with no real boyfriend for three years - I know right! For those of you who know me, you know that after my last break-up, my goal is to date smarter and wiser. However, it seems to some of the people I love that I have taken the option of not dating at all. And you know, they have a good point.

I was never really big on dating, per say. After being out there for the past few years, I realize I am of the old school when it comes to dating and relationships. See, I had a boyfriends, not 'friends' as society puts it now. I had a guys that called me their 'girlfriend', took me out on nice dates, took me home to meet their parents, brought me around their friends, and everyone knew my place. But the game has soooo changed. In fact, at least two men I wanted to have a relationship with over the past few years informed not long after meeting me that I would be a 'friend' and that they had other 'friends' - I know right! Now, instead of changing myself and turning to the new school, I am sticking to my old school ways. I liked being a girlfriend. I liked knowing that after spending hours and hours on the phone talking about anything and everything I would be the only woman you were doing that with. Let's not even go there about how people have multiple 'friends' in a sexual society. I don't even want to think about the whole 'you're sleeping with everyone they slept with' Planned Parenthood statement.

But I liked having a boyfriend. It was special to me. And no, I haven't given up. It will be special to me. When I gave my life to Christ for the 100th time a few years ago, I promised to be celibate until marriage and that when I met people, I would pray and pray hard for discernment and wisdom. Sometimes the prayers worked and sometimes my human side kicked in and I didn't listen to what God told me about certain people. Also, I've always had the habit of betting on long shots - meaning I'm the woman who tends to like challenges. I'm like a guy that way. Tupac said in I Get Around a line that best describes my dating history, "I don't want it if it's that easy." So the guy I should end up with is normally the guy I don't fall for. Not to say that I'm the woman that falls for jerks. Some of them have been, but I have dated nice guys that were just a little unattainable, mostly because of their life agendas and how they didn't match up with mine.

So where does that leave me today? Well, I just celebrated my fourth Valentine's Day without a boyfriend. And sadly, I thank God for the sinus infection that I got Friday that let me unconscious most of the weekend - I know right. Who thanks for that? Well, I did. Because even after all these years, it's still a little hard to be alone for the most romantic holiday of the year. But unlike years past, I didn't try to pump myself up like it was going to be a great day regardless. I didn't buy myself any special treats or clothing. Now, I know as a Christian, it's day that I should have just rested in God's love and treasured that. Not to short change it, but I would like to think I do that mostly everyday. In regards to romantic love, some days I think I that I am waiting for the impossible dream and get really impatient. But even in my impatience, I don't give in to just any man or relationship or 'friend'. If I believe God has the best for me, then I have to be patient enough to wait for it. So until that day, Valentine's Day will be just a day and hopefully one day for me, it will have meaning again and one day romantic love will mean something to and for me again.

If Jesus Had a Girlfriend...

I always thought Jesus deserved a girlfriend. Yeah, I know he's the purest thing that ever walked the land, but really God, how can you have the greatest story ever told and the lead character doesn't have a love interest? I know you can make the argument that humanity was the love of Jesus' life, but come on. He still deserved a girlfriend. I read rumors of Mary Magdalene being Jesus' girlfriend, but I don't want to think about her. I want to go to the land of make believe and give Jesus a boo.

Before we begin with his possible girlfriend, let's break down Jesus. He had a healthy foundation. He knew at a young age he was different and couldn't play stick ball or hangman on stone tablets like that other kids. He had to learn so that he could teach the world how to live one day. In fact, God was "very pleased" with him according to Luke 3:22. He began his ministry around the age of 30 and moved around a lot. I know this may sound like a deal breaker, but some women understand that if a man is not off fulfilling his purpose, he's going to be dead weight to you even if you have him close to home. He knew his purpose and understood the heavy job description that he had. He was never tempted by sin of any kind and this could be equated with him having healthy boundaries. He had only 12 men as his close friends and even had the discernment that one would betray him one day. Jesus would be a good catch for any woman. Sure, it would eventually end Ritchie Valens - Donna style because of his purpose, but it would be romance just the same and everyone deserves a little romance.

Now if the cliche of opposites attract holds true, Jesus' girlfriend might not be anything like him. In fact, I would go so far to say that it could be a Romeo and Juliet thing - maybe she'd be a relative, like a niece, of Satan or something. Yes, this is pushing it, but that's what imaginations are for. But since a lot of people in those times married relatives (either close or far removed), he would probably end up with one of those. But back to being opposites, maybe his girlfriend believed in God, but not enough to travel and spread the good news to the world. Jesus could have met her on one of his preaching engagements. Maybe her family provided a place for Jesus and disciples to rest in between travels. She could have made his dinner, prepared his linens, and then, out of nowhere, started a conversation with him that ended with them falling in love. It could happen. Maybe it did happen. Who knows. But I'm sure God has his reasons for Jesus' love story not looking like Hollywood produced it, but instead, God having him love the world.

Love, with all of its good intentions, can be a distraction. And when it goes sour, they don't call it a crush for nothing. Your heart could get crushed into a million pieces. And I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to hear Jesus preach after he got his heart broken. Women weren't thought of as much back then, so Jesus could have gotten petty and put that woman, although with all women, on blast in a sermon. Think about it. He spoke to large crowds, so his influence was great and it would be like customer service. If you get good service, you tell one-two people. But if you receive poor service, you tell and tell all. Jesus could have ruined a women's name and family all because she didn't want to take a walk and drink wine (which he made from water FYI) with him. It could have been ugly, but I still stick to my first paragraph. Jesus having a girlfriend could have been nice. You know why? Because of his character that's why.

I still believe Jesus would have died on the cross for all of us, especially since his boo would have been one of us. I heard a comedian once joke about doing things for love like going into a burning building or taking a bullet for a woman. Well, Jesus giving his life would have been the ultimate sacrifice and every man would have never heard the end of it from their wives after that potential act of bravery. Yes, Jesus would have been the best boyfriend ever and instead of cupid and his dumb arrow, there would be Jesus on the cross as the symbol of love. For Christians, that is already the symbol of love or at least it should be.

I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday - What Causes You to Sin?

Hello everyone! It's the revival of I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesdays. Today, I want to feature a scripture that I've read several times and never really thought much of. Based on recent prayers and events, I wanted to explore it in a blog entry.

Mark 5:30 - And if your hand - even your stronger hand - causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown in hell.

Now, as a teenager and even in my early 20s, I thought it was ridiculous to cut off your hand or any part of your body because you were doing the wrong thing. If I cut off my hand for sins, then how could I work or blog or eat hot wings? But I was thinking too literal about the verse. This verse really wants you to explore your everyday patterns and see what in them is making you not be the man/woman of God you need to be. What is causing you not to have your full armor of God on and simply sin.

Although I don't want to cut off any parts of my body, I know several ways that I sin using four parts of my body.
Eyes - I've used my eyes for lust as the previous verse mentions, but not just in the area of sex. I've felt lust over other people's dreams or careers, possessions, and love lives. As mentioned in other blogs, I struggle with single woman's lust, especially since my past dictates that I am no angel in the sex area. Once you've sampled and bitten that apple, it's hard not to think of it, but I know from talking to virgins that sometimes they feel they have it worse.

Hands - Being anxious and impatient and doing things unauthorized by God. Also, using my hands to type harsh words or gossip about others.

Mouth - OMG! This one could take all day! I'll sum it up by admitting to not thinking before I speak and saying my first thoughts without thinking of the consequences. This has resulted in saying "sorry" or "my bad" on more occasions than I'd like to admit.

Legs - Knowing the right thing to do and choosing the wrong thing. Your legs always know when you are going to do something bad. It's like for those few moments they take over as your brain and before you know it you're hopping into bed with men or going to the burger place instead of the gym and you're shaking your head later like fool.

What can I do (or you do) about the things that cause us to sin? Literally chopping off my body parts is not an option (sorry New Testament, but I think there is a better way). One thing you can do is clear your path and cut activities or temptations that will cause you to sin. One thing I had to check myself on recently is the amount of R-Rated shows and movies that I watch. Sure, some of these shows and movies are great entertainment, but for myself, I know exposing myself in large amounts is not good. So I hope to decrease the R-Rated viewing this year - not get rid of entirely because baby steps are necessary.

As Christians, one of the best things you can do is pray about the areas of sin. Joyce Meyers recommends that your bible reading and study should focus on what you struggle with. If you find numerous areas of sin like myself, then just pick one and focus on that for a month or so. Praying is a wonderful thing. The best part about prayer to me is closing my eyes. For years I thought it didn't count unless I closed my eyes. There's something about closing my eyes that helps me regroup and focus. It helps when dealing with sin to close your eyes for a moment and really think about why this sin exists in your life. It could be genetic. It could be a stronghold you've had for years. It could be something you saw someone else do, it looked cool, and now not only is it not cool, but it's destroying your life so much so that maybe you thought about cutting off your hand.

The next time you pray, close your eyes, but before you start praying, think about how God sees you and your life. He thinks your wonderful and way better than the sin that's in your life. He thinks your an overcomer and the head and not the tail. Once you have God's thoughts in your head, begin to pray about them and about your area of struggle and be honest. Sometimes I didn't know what God thought of me, especially in times of sin. But when I took the sin out of the equation and thought of God first, I discovered all of the wonderful things he thought about me and it made it easier to pray to him because let's face it. When you're in sin, you don't want to go to him, but in reality, he should be the first person you call.

I hope this post helped you think about your own areas of sin. I think that God wants more of us and he realizes that before we can do more, we need to think more of ourselves.

Black, White, and Everything in Between

The Bishop of my church made a good point yesterday about Martin Luther King, Jr. Most people only know Dr. King's 'I Have a Dream' speech. The truth is he had several speeches that were just as good as that one and expressed the movement in better words. When Bishop said that, I thought about memories. It's common to only remember one thing or aspect about a person. Although it's nice to be able to remember at least one thing about a person, it's not always the smartest things to do. Where it gets danger is when you judge that person on only that one thing when you know you've seen multiple sides of them.

For example, you may have a favorite relative and hence, only have good thoughts of that person. If you were brave enough to flip the coin, maybe that relative was good to you, but you saw them be mean or nasty to others. The opposite of that example would be having a relative that just did you dirty and in that instance, you only see bad. However, maybe in small ways they've been trying to make up for that bad experience, but you being you, still want to remember them for that one time and not the possible good times you could have if you just chose to forgive and forget.

There are many sides to people and if you're blessed and they are someone you truly love, you may get to see various sides. I can honestly say that the people closest to me have seen me at my worst and best and everything in between. And although I often feel foolish and embarrassed about the worst moments, I'm glad they saw them because I want them to know the real me. I have good tendencies and not so good tendencies and how can we be really close if you never got to see some of each.

People sometimes want to put you in a bubble and depending on the situation, the bubble might be the best place to live. However, if you are always placing people inside certain bubble, how are they going to breathe? When are they ever going to get to show you the different sides of them? Talents are one area where once someone finds out you can do something, that's all they want you to do. Little do they know you have multiple talents and abilities. It's important that you give other people the chance to show you more about them and also that you show more of yourself to others.

Unfortunately, I had to work today. If I would have had the day off, I can't say that I would have done anything that Dr. King would be proud of. I only know that today I got to go to a job where I got a wear many hats in the span of eight hours. Today, my talents weren't totally wasted; I was a writer, a graphic designer, a customer service rep, a researcher, a friend, and an Excel princess. Think about all of the different people you get to be in one day. Do you like those 'people'? Is there more you want to share? Well, if so, good news. You have tomorrow to show those sides of you; the black, white, and everything in between.

I Thought It Was Just Me - Quit Being an Idiot

Based on my reading of the entire bible year, it was quite amusing to see how many times God was blunt with us on his stance on things. He was very honest. One of my favorite parts and one I would like to focus on in an upcoming blog post is when he says, "I'm sick of saving you." I can't remember off hand where that is, but it was very refreshing to read because people act like God's always going to come to you like a superhero when really he's tired of being your Superman. He ultimately wants us to be our own Superman and make the right decisions the first time. Today's scripture backs up that perspective of my reading of the bible.

Proverbs 1:22-23 - How long, you simpletons, will you insist on being simpleminded? How long will you mockers relish your mocking? How long will you fools hate knowledge? Come and listen to my counsel. I'll share my heart with you and make you wise.

My initial title for this blog was "How long?", but based on God's direct to be blunt, I decided on "Quit Being an Idiot". I think that title is appropriate based on the scripture making it plan and calling people simpletons and fools. As Christians, we are told it's foolish to call yourself a believer and not listen to God. It defeats the purpose of having God in your life. If you really want to follow your own instruction, then stop going to church, stopping reading the bible, and write your own. Have your own services starring you, directed by you, and produced by you. And don't forget the original score by you!

This year I have been a stereotypical American because I have made personal goals and promises to myself that I want to follow going into this new year and to date, I'm on track for a few of them. Two things that I didn't mention in the 'Unfinished Business' blog entry are working out more and eating more at home/brown bagging my lunch for work more often...like every day with a few exceptions like group lunches or special occasions with workplace friends. And so far, I'm good. Keep in mind it's only been three days of really trying, but I applaud myself for the three days just the same. The reasons for both of these goals is simple - I want to quit being an idiot.

In regards to working out more, I realized last week that I am turning 30 this year. Yes, it's true! With this realization, I remembered how people tell it's harder to lose weight and get back in shape as you get older and that you should get a routine or workout mentality the younger you are. As a stereotypical American, I brushed this off in my 20s and worked out when I wanted to (or when I felt fat). As soon as that fat moment left me, I stopped working out. Well, I realized over this last holiday of grubbing that I'm not getting any younger and that I need to really take those words to heart. As a result, I am working out more (day 4 mind you) and really focusing on not being an idiot about my health anymore and relishing in my always skinny body because it really does stick more as the years go on.

Regards to eating at home more and brown-bagging, I'm realizing just in three days how much money I saved and also how much healthier I feel knowing where my food came from. Also, some of the vending machine things I love like pretzels and chips and how buying the big bags for home and packaging them for work everyday saved money and time. I'm going back to basics I followed a few years and really bargain shopping and making myself responsible for grocery budget. On Saturday, I went to two different grocery stores because my favorite foods were on sale at both places. I like to eat what I like to eat so buying substitutes doesn't work for me, but by looking closer at the ads, I found my favorites really cheap and all I had to do was take the time to travel and get them. I really did save a lot of money when I looked at the receipts later. By brown-bagging, I'll have more money to do entertainment activities when friends call instead of saying no because I ate at Panera Bread three days in a row.

These are just two examples of where I want to quit being an idiot and follow God's instruction in regards to healthy living and how to properly spend money. If God gives you the knowledge that something needs to change or that there is a better way of doing something in your life, follow it. Who knows your life better than God? Listen to what he tells you and shows you. Remember that God will use people most often to show you things. Based on the budgeting knowledge I got from a Pastor and him just asking me questions about my spending habits, I was able to see where my money was going. He offered tips on better habits with money, like the grocery shopping tips and brown-bagging suggestion. When I thought about it, it was a big 'duh', but having him point in the right direction really helped. So reach out to others God puts in your path - and he will put people in your path - so that you can be your way from being a simpleton to expert on living your own life.

Seven Year Itch

I occurred to me the other day that this month marks my seventh year of living in Akron, OH. Wow! Seven years! Tomorrow is my fifth anniversary with my current company. Wow! Five years! I can't believe I've worked at the same place for five years. Thankfully, I've switched positions twice so I am not doing the same exact work, although some of my projects I've had for a few years too long. I just knew I was going to be one of those switch companies every two years people. I was only at my first real job for two years and I've actually had two position at my current company. And I switched positions after - you guessed it - almost two and a half years. So I guess I'm on track, but going to the same building everyday for this long is a bit of drag even though I like the work that I do and the people I work with. We all have a respect for one another and we laugh a lot which is important to me. I also get to use my signature strength, as it is referred to in the book Hard Optimism. My signature strength is public speaking and I get to do that on an almost weekly basis.

But back to living in Akron for seven years now. If you've never seen the movie or heard of the seven year itch concept, it refer to people who after seven years start to re-evaluate their relationship. If you're married for seven years, for example, you might begin to think about infidelity or just leaving your spouse for the possibility of something better. Nowadays, it seems like in regards to marriage it's more like a three-five year itch! Well, for the past few months, I have had the seven year itch for this city and also my life in it. I wake up at least two mornings per week and ask myself, "what in the hell are we still doing here?" I talked with someone today who plans to move to New Zealand in two years - and their not a New Zealander (if that's the term). I also have a friend who is planning to move down south and working with a head hunter to get employment there. Why don't I set goals for myself like that? Is it lack of motivation or simply I'm not sure where I want to go. I don't want to live in the cities with my family (not because of them - I just don't like the cities). But then I will be the first to say, "I have no family here and that sucks."

So I'm not sure where I belong. I have no clue. All I know is that I've been living the same life here for at least the past three years and some parts of it are not working for me. I love my church and my ministry involvements. Today, I had a Leadership Meeting in the morning and I went bowling with one of my ministries this afternoon. But now what I am doing? I just got home from the Blockbuster and now I'm writing for the next ten or so minutes and then making dinner, watching my movie, and then probably falling asleep on the couch. And sadly, this has been my Saturday or Friday night life for the past few years. If not a movie, maybe a good book. Wow, it's really sad when I type it. SO there - and I can do this anywhere.

It's just lame. And before you suggest it, I don't like want the club or bar life again...maybe just one-two times a year but not as a constant thing! And I do have some nights with my girls, but they are few and far between. Some of my friends are coupled up now and I'm happy for them, but the girls night sometimes end up being the girl night starring me!

I don't know. I'm just restless. So I'm starting this year praying almost daily for God to do something extraordinary in my life. Two years ago I prayed a similar prayer and my life was truly changed for the better. But now, it's time to bump it up a notch and have more and do more. I know it will require a lot of movement on my part, so I have to be prepared for that.
I just do want to get comfortable when really have nothing warm and fluffy and well, truly comfortable to fall back on. So as much as I could rejoice over the fact that I love certain aspects of my life (like my church) and appreciate some of the things I've learned here (like how to drive safely and patiently in crazy Northeast Ohio weather, I need something else to happen to me this year. Anniversaries are usually good things and not to poop on the past seven years, but I think it's time for something different. Lord, please help me figure this out and if it's your will, I'll stay, but if you want me to move, please provide the way. Please keep me in your prayers and let me know what I can pray for for you. Thanks and have a good one!