30 and Shopping for Boob Tops

I probably could just end the post with only the title, but this Lucy should have some explaining to do. So here it is. In the past few weeks, I have attempted to be fun again. I haven't felt fun in years. I mean really fun. Like Hangover fun, but cleaner. On Friday, I decided to go to Akron's First Friday, an evening of dancing primarily for African-Amercians. My friend had the idea to go shopping for boob tops, also known as titty tops, but I'm trying to be clean. Since I really don't know any tops like that anymore, I agreed.

We went to the local mall for our shopping and of course, within a couple of stores she found one because she's got great fashion sense and always picks cute stuff. While she's waiting to pay, I went to the nearest bathroom. It hit me as I walked back from the bathroom that this is pathetic. I remembered being 21-22 and shopping for boob tops for the same night I was going to wear it out. I'm 30 now and still shopping for boob tops. After I meet back up with my friend, I felt the shopping pressure on me because I didn't find anything. Let me just say that, I don't do well under shopping pressure because I hate shopping. I do really well shopping when I don't think about it and just happen to pick up something cute, try it on, and then it works.

When I didn't find anything, I didn't hold back and I told my friend about my 30-boob top shopping ephipany. She told me I was just over analyzing and that this is not pathetic. Listening to her, I kept looking, but in the end, I didn't find anything. When she dropped me off to get ready, I found a shirt at home that would do for the night, but I couldn't shake the 'this is pathetic' feeling. I mean really. I'm 30 and I want to do 30 year old things. Like a nice dinner, a movie, anything that doesn't require a night of shaking my butt with Akron's finest with my boobs out. I went to the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame last weekend by myself and had a blast. It was one of those 'I didn't think I would be here in my life moments', except it wasn't about my career or ovaries, it was about the idea of going out. Of course, I went and because of the company I keep, I had a good time laughing and dancing to lots of 90s songs. I also met someone as I was walking out. The jury is still out of him, but like my 21-22 year old days, it felt good to go home with a number.

Yesterday's church service confirmed my 30 and shopping for boob tops ephipany. I think in that moment at the mall I felt like I was going backwards, in the Christian world, you never want to do that. My Bishop about giving up and I admit, the past few months, I've given up on my Christian behaviors and principles. I feel like I tried the nice Christian girl thing and that it's not working. Although I tried it for 5 minutes compared to others, it felt like a lifetime. And while my behaviors are not completing Christ like, I haven't totally lost it. I still attend church and give tithes. I still pray, just not as often. I still believe in God. I just stopped believing in my Christian self. I laid in bed this morning for two hours just thinking about the past few months, Friday's epiphany, and yesterday's sermon. There are so many decisions I need to make. The only thing I want to come out of these decisions is progress and not going back to the person I used to be.

All Stood Up

On Friday, May 13, 2011, I was stood up. Yes, you read correctly. Stood up for a date. A date that I thought had possibilities. Well, possibilities now mean to me that he had a good job (professional - government benefits too), smart (very educated), had common interests (NPR, TV shows like the The Office and Teen Mom), and well, he was really tall (sorry Skee-Lo, but I wished you and any potential date are a way taller than me). So Friday, I waited at a restaurant for almost 30 minutes for him to show up. Thankfully, I never got a table, just had the buzzer. Unthankfully, I was all dressed up with my hair done and toes polished by a professional - BUT WITHOUT A DATE! "I'll take Cute and Manless for $200, Alex." Thankfully (again), I needed the hair and toes done anyway, so the cuteness is not a total waste.

Since most of you still don't know who I am, let me tell you. This has NEVER happened to me before. Don't get me wrong. I've been on dates where I wish the person didn't show up. I've been on dates that left me feeling sorry that I deserted my good book and/or TV for that evening. But never this. Maybe the guy's home training didn't include the lesson, If You Don't Really Like the Girl, Don't Ask Her Out. Til this moment, I still haven't heard from dude. I know him from school, so there is the chance of seeing him again. In fact, I know his address so I'm tempted to send him a box of Massengill with a note that says, "a douche for a douche!" But I won't. In fact, I haven't tried to contact him since the restaurant, when I left him a voicemail about the wait for the table and hoping that he gets here safely (aw, Christian Cleavage, you sound so naive and lame).

Some lessons you can learn from your girl. One, getting stood up sucks, just in case you've heard conflicting reports. That night I took Embarrassed for $500 and the Rejected Daily Double. Side bar - I don't know if it is Alex Trebek's birthday or where all of my Jeopardy references are coming from. You have to admit though. They fit with the story! The final realization and point I'll make is that the morning of my date I woke up really happy. Glass half-full happy. I went to work and was genuinely nice to people. I even said "Happy Friday" and I hate that stupid phrase. I was so anxious and excited because for a 30-year old single girl, a new date means hope. A new date means that maybe love and romance are not died. A new date means I have another chance to do it right. It also means God hasn't forgotten about me. So yes, for the first time in months, I was extremely happy and it felt good. After the events or lack there of occurred, it hit me. Why am I not waking up this happy every morning? Why on this rare occasion did I feel happy and content when really there are seven more months in this year that I need to feel that way? Heck, I need to feel that good for the rest of my life. Your girl needs to get happy and content on a daily. Your girl needs peace, which will bring both of those things.

In regards to my feelings on dating again, of course I will try again. One bad experience can't stop the entire show. I will probably just pray for discernment next time. What felt like the worst moment of my life was really God's protection. Who knows what drama the King of the Massengill throne could have brought into my life. Even with my ego bruised and my party dress back in the closet, I am still looking forward to the next man that God will allow in my life.

I Want My Man Back

A few months ago, I started seeing a new counselor. There was nothing wrong with my old one. I just felt it was time to see someone else. After the first session, I knew I made a good choice. The only problem is our schedules conflict a lot and he’s very popular so every visit, which is usually once every 4-6 weeks, has to count just as much. Well, tonight he had to cancel due to a family emergency. I understand, considering last week I had my own family emergency to deal with. But I was looking forward to tonight because of the homework assignment we were going to discuss tonight.

The two main reason for going to counseling are one, to work on being content in who I am (i.e., my depression). And two, I wanted to examine my romantic relationships. For my homework assignment, my counselor wanted to write about every relationship I’ve had since the age of 20. I had to write about why I was initially attracted to the person, why I stayed as long as I did, and what finally broke up the relationship. Although I have spoken and written about my relationships for those classes I mentioned, I don’t think I ever had to write about them all at the same time. Also, I didn’t have the hindsight of 30 when I examined them before.

Like a good student, I did the homework last night. I took one of my many notebooks and wrote a few paragraphs on each of the five guys I’ve had relationships with since 20. I’m not going to share what I wrote about; if that’s the cliffhanger you were waiting for. What I will share is that I can honestly say I do not want any of those men back. Not because they’re bad people. I just know those relationships ended for a reason. Two of the men are happily married and fathers now and I would hate to have been tied to one of them still and they miss the life they were supposed to have.

The man I really want back is God. I miss my fire for God. The year I started this blog was the same year I read the entire bible. So God and I were really connecting. Even days I had no idea what I read, I still felt that God knew my heart and I was feeling Him move around in mine. A few weeks ago, I went to a watch night service at church, where I had the opportunity to praise God anyway that I want. For some of the time, I just sat there and read my bible because that’s how I bonded with God to begin. But in my prayers and cries that night, I realized how much I missed God. I began to open up my thoughts to him again. I remembered that He is the best friend I could possibly have. I remembered that I could come back to Him at anytime and He wouldn’t judge nor deny me. That night I felt loved.

Within the past few weeks, I haven’t opened myself up to God like I did that night. I need to. There are so many things I want to tell him. There are so many things I need to see about myself and others and right now, my eyes are not working right. I need to thank him more than I did that my dad’s health is better and that my family was able to pull together in a time of trouble. I need to be a woman of action instead of complaint. The last two weeks have taught who really has my back and who will truly never let me down. I pray that I never have to write about my break up with God.

Dwindling Away

If you've been a Christian for at least 10 minutes, you are probably no stranger to the verse, Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans that I have you, declares the Lord. They are plans to for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." This scripture is quoted often and in most cases, when things are not going well for someone. Or at least that's me. As part of the Dirty 30, I am beginning to see things a little different and one thing I've done with this scripture is lean on it more than in the past.

If you've been a Christian for more than 30 days, you've probably come to realize that God's plans are hardly ever yours or at least the timing is off. God has a way of making things you want hard to get or of making you want other things. For me, graduate school was something I never wanted. God put that move on my heart. Last year, I noticed that my mind hadn't truly been engaged in real thinking in a long time. In fact, I know I went dumb. Not to say that I was not learning anything. In 2009, I read the entire bible, so that requires a brain. However, my between my 9-5 and love of obsessive TV watching, I hadn't really been book smart in a while. So God aligned it so I could be at a good school with good faculty learning deep, meaningful things. I get to talk to people that I have things in common with. Although I am tired all the time and feel my energy is never coming back, I have never felt so fulfilled. Even after a long day of work I can't wait to get to school.

But even with all of these things, I am haunted by the dreams that are not fulfilled. I am losing most of my single friends to marriage. I'm losing most of my married friends (and a few single ones) to either a first or second baby. I'm losing other friends to jobs that they are truly enjoying and finding their purpose. Basically, I'm losing them and at times, losing the game of life.

I know that I am not truly losing my friends - at least I hope not. But the ever-changing times of others make me question God's plans for me. Yes, I love school and some days, love the fact that no one is at home waiting for me in order to eat or do stuff for. However, walking this walk alone gets unbearable at times. It's good that I have friends at school to talk to because when I get home, there is no one there but me. So all of my mind stimulation is the greatest gift until I get home.

God's plan are a little confusing to me sometimes, especially this 30 and single thing. But a revelation happened to me tonight upon reading Jeremiah 29. A few lines before Jeremiah 29:11 the Lord tells the people exiled to Babylon that He will fulfill all of the promises he made them, but it will have to live in Babylon for 70. Yes, 70! Most people can't wait five minutes for a bus, imagine 70 years for a promise. Here's the beauty in all of this: a few lines before that, the Lord basically tells them not to stop living. He tells them to get married, have kids, and "do not dwindle away". Wow! Last year, God saw me dwindling away. He saw me going to work and coming home. He saw me having nothing to contribute on my job and in conversations with others. He looked at me and saw boredom and discontent. God rescued me. And no, he did not rescue me the way I wanted. But he rescued me. And because of this season in my life, I will one day be a better wife and mother and today I can be a better friend because of the fact that I have a new purpose and interest. Where prayer is needed is in the fact that I feel the Lord calling me to teach in schools. I knew at eight that I was supposed to do that and run from it. The only hang up is the fact that I have to spend time teaching in a school to get my license and I can't afford to do that. I just hope and pray that a door opens for my new dream to occur.

I ask all of you to pray for me and I will pray that you do not dwindle away. Keep living and striving everyday to be the person God calls you to be!

Dirty 30 - Honorable Mentions

Thanks to everyone who read my last post about my journey through 30! When I'm writing a blog post, I'm so excited to hit "Publiish Post" that sometimes I forget big chunks of what I want to saw. The thing I listed last week where probably the most impactful thoughts/events so far, but I've compiled a list of honorable mentions. I try not to play the blame game in other areas of my life, but I'm enjoying this. So here are more things that I blame on turning 30:

• The movies I tend to see or want to see at the movie theater are movies that will most likely be nominated for a Golden Globe or Oscar vs my former playlist of movies that typically play repeatedly on FX or Comedy Central.
• I do not understand the meaning of Michael Jackson's Wanna Be Startin Something. Between his baby having a breakdown and crying, stealing, and lying, I just don't get it. That's not to say I don't shake it a little when it comes on my I-Pod. And I really don't get calling someone a vegetable. My fav line at the end is "if you can't feed your baby, then don't have a baby." I didn't realize Michael was a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood, but you learn something new everyday, accept the meaning of this song.
• The desire to now only have one child versus three or four like I used to.
• The sad reality that I can't eat like a 15 year old anymore. Even with working out two-three days a week, I can't get rid of the pouch in my stomach. This is same pouch that comes when I get my period, only my period doesn't come in 30 day increments so yes, it's officially all me!
• I officially have back fat as well.
• Noticing a gray hair the week after I turned 30.
• Being carded at World Market the week of Christmas. Ok, not blaming anything but good genes on that one!
• Wanting to give all of my nieces a dollar for Christmas and telling them to spend it wisely.
• Being annoyed by my new touchscreen cell phone. First of all, my touchscreen doesn't like my touch. I've only had luck with pencil erasers. I did not mind having a thousand real buttons on my cell phone. At least I knew they work and liked my touch.
• My patience is getting better when people ask me questions at work. I think is because my memory is starting to suck so I have no choice but to listen more carefully to every request and read every line of an email.
• Audio books and NPR have become my best friend (in life and in my car).
• I realize that I never want to stop having the inquisitive mind of a little sister.
• My desire to study meditation. WHICH IS EXPENSIVE BY THE WAY!! One meditation package (which I don't remember how many classes it came with) was $400. Another was $275. The cheapest package I found in my area was $65. Not to be a meditation snob, why only $65? Especially since I know what they could be charging. Anyway, this desire won't go away. I got a DVD from the library that had guided meditiation on it. The first time I tried it I almost fell asleep. The second time I couldn't get comfor3table. I was way too aware of my body. Therefore, I think like other things in life, I think if I pay for it I will have no choice to pay attention and try harded. I just want peace really. Peace with my life and my decisions and with who I am.

The final thing is wanting something in my life to change. Something big. I want a blessing that only God could provide. I know as Christians we pray something similar almost everyday, but really, God, I'm 30 and I need you to show up. He knows my true life and career desires. Please make a way. Thanks for reading and have a good one.

I Blame 30...

Happy New Year all! I hope everyone had a great holiday. Mine was wonderful. With the new year brings new thoughts, goals, and dreams. Last year, I turned 30 (thank you God). Although I'm only four months into my 30, various things have happened to me that make me wonder if these things or observations have only occurred because of my new age. To start the new year right and blogging again, I wanted to share the list of things/thoughts/events of my life that blame on turning 30. Please note that blame does not mean that these things are bad. Some of these things are good things that I blame and thank 30 for. I'm not going to categorize the list into bad and good. I'll let you determine by my tone and if you know me, just knowing me, you'll be able to tell if it is a positive or negative blame.

1. Last year, I had the goal of caring more about my personal appearance. I also realized last year that I could financially now afford to buy more things for myself, like clothing, nail polish, pedicures/manicures, more hair appointments, shoes, etc. So I did. My most amusing purchase was the wig that I bought for my 30th birthday dinner. I don't do weave or hair extensions of any sort, so the wig was a shocker. And yes, I wore it to work and church and got lots of looks. For my birthday and beyond, I wanted to be glamorous and that helped. I do, however, need to calm the spending. I'm turning into one of those women who hasn't met a store that she didn't like and want to go into. Never thought I'd be that woman, but my 30s is making me. Oh darn!
2. Last week, I bought my first push-up bra. If you know me, you know that I am equip already in that area. But my new friend 30 has made me realize that like Starbucks and Wal-Mart, I have to keep up with the competition and to do so, instead of rolling back I have to pull some things up starting with my breasts. I'd never imagined buying a push-up bra. The women that have admired them and the men that used to enjoy them probably never thought I'd need one. But with 30 years comes the shift of time and apparently weight. I felt silly trying it on in a dressing room of the most known underwear store. But when I looked in the mirror, a crazy feeling came over me. Honestly, looking the mirror had the same feeling as looking at an old photo album. I have to admit that it felt good to see the girls alive again. However, I haven't wore it yet. Being new to the push-up game, I'm not even sure when it would be safe to wear it to. Not a church event. Not to work. Not to my momma's house. Not even on a date because well, it would kind of be lying. How can I expect the guy to tell the truth about his income and number of children when I'm fudging my physical resume? But I will find a place for 30's suggestion. After all, I don't want to keep looking down and thinking that maybe it is a small and low world after all.
3. Married men. I mean 'separated' men. No, I mean married men are coming out of the wood work. One of my friends started getting asked out and hit on by men 25 and under after she turned 30 (and it's still happening to her). I, however, am getting the married/separated/married crowd. I think they look at me and think they can get it right with me. I can redeem them. I can validate they are good men and their ex's were really just crazy. But I have news. By them just hitting on me with marriage still as their status on government forms and even insurance papers, you're not good men. Not to me. If I'm coming to the table with no strings or rings, you need to do the same. I'll amen myself. Amen.
   
4. Thanks to a woman named Roberta in my Sunday School, last year I lived by the mantra that you have to teach people how to treat you. That sentence really opened my eyes. Unfortunately, I'm still giving lessons to some of the people in my life and also to myself. Over the past few weeks, I've been evaluating my relationship patterns. Mostly with men, but I'm starting to explore family relationships as well. But focusing on the men, there is a step of singleness I neglected to do. About three-four years ago, I made a list of all the qualities I want in a mate. It was a good, honest, not superficial in the least list. However, I didn't make the corresponding list, which is writing down what my ideal relationship looks like. Of course, I had and have ideas about that. But I never put to paper what I truly wanted in the day to day of the relationship. Well, thankful 30 and I have this year (hopefully not the whole), but we have time to work on that part. It was easy to say "I want ____ in a man", but how do I want that man to treat me and how do I want to treat him? What are the roles? What are the rules? Although celibate, what are our 'safe words' going to be? How often or are we going to have family get togethers? Seems small, but really these are things I didn't question.
   

Those are the major things I blame 30 for right now. The best part about being 30 is that I couldn't wait to turn 30. I wasn't a big fan of my 20s. Late 20s and I were sort of homies, but really I knew 30 and I were meant to be. I hope you are enjoying your age whatever it is and like me, laughing and learning from it! God bless!

A Change of Perspective...

This past weekend I had the pleasure of introducing one of my Akron friends to Pittsburgh. She had never been before, so I played tour guide and airline stewardess on the ground to her this weekend. With the help of my family, we were able to welcome her to the city with open arms and a good meal thanks to the early Thanksgiving idea of my mother. But I truly feel that I owe my friend a thank you for reintroducing me to the city where I grew up. Some of the neighborhoods that we took her to I hadn't been to in years. One of the beautiful places to go is Mount Washington. That is where you can see the entire city and also ride the Incline. Mount Washington is the place where people go to take wedding and prom photos. It's a place every tourist should go to at least once, especially if you are a Pittsburgh Steelers hater. With such an amazing view, I know for myself I couldn't think of anything I hated from there. I admired the all of the buildings and stadiums and signs that I saw from up there. I felt appreciative that I got to live in a city with things to do and that you didn't need your own transportation to live there.

It was an interesting to experience my life through someone else's eyes. My friend got to meet my immediate family and she loved everyone that she met. I know that I take my family for granted sometimes. By having someone there who could see all of the wonderful traits I sometimes forget about humbled me. I really do have a good family and I love them so much. And the fact that they were so good to my friend and made her feel welcome I appreciate. I've been around the family of other friends a few times where they didn't even offer me water let alone a place to stay for two days, food, and a very knowledgeable tour guide. I'm glad she had fun and I'm glad that I come from such a loving family who definitely thinks of other people's comfort before their own.

Now I'm back in Akron and well, I think I need help seeing my life here in a positive perspective. I'm so lost right now. I'm in school and sort of enjoying it. The only reason I'm not enjoying it is because work has gotten more demanding and also fear. My fear that, like my songwriting and book writing and blogging and other interests, that this will too be a dying fade. Although I have a career I'm proud of, there are other things in my life I wanted to do and never did them. I can make the argument "there's still time"forever, but my motivation is mud. It's hard to face this blog sometimes. I think I put pressure on myself at first. I wanted it to be so many things that I couldn't live up to after a while. The second time around I tried the appreciation blogs and that was good, but all you need is to have a bad day or bad experience or just get full of yourself, and bam, no more appreciation and no more blogging.

God knows I don't want a horrific "It's a Wonderful Life" experience. I just don't know right now what to focus on. Should I go back to the old dreams or just continue to live out these new ones although they are not as fun and I'm still not sure where they came from. God, please help me by cleaning my glasses and my heart and allowing me to see what my potential is and how to use it.

Surprise! Day 18

Today I got a wonderful surprise at work. My team remembered my birthday and got me a hilarious card and a piece of Chocolate cake (big piece). They lit three candles and I had to quickly blow them out because we weren't sure if fire was allowed on the premise. It was a wonderful surprise and it really touched my heart. You just never who's going to remember you and who isn't. I thought that one friend would be loyal to the birthday code, but really this person won't be so it is what it is. My parents got me a GPS system and I'm going to test it out tomorrow. I've already played with it and saved a few locations that I will be going to soon.

Today was long and full of surprises I'll clue you in on later. I am grateful for the people in my life that are telling me that I am taking this too personally and also that I need to give this school thing time. I didn't realize how unaccustomed I've become to not being too far out of my comfort zone. I thought I was one of those 'I'll try anything' people, but really I'm a 'I'll try it if..." people. So pray for me as I try more things that I am not used to.

Grateful list:

• Work team
• Chocolate cake
• My parents still caring that I have a wonderful birthday after all of these years.
• My friend, especially Miss Little and Miss Anderson
• My birthday
  

Good night.

Round Hole, Square Peg Day 17

Today was class number two. Good news is that it will be an easy course. You show up, write three papers, and listen and ask questions of the guest speakers. I should be having a good, grateful night. Well, I'm not. I'm feeling very round hole square peg in regards to school. I'm feeling very overwhelmed by the newness of all of this. Also, since I'm not majoring in Journalism, I don't feel like I fit into this class either. The people are friendly, but they are all taking other courses together so it's like one big happy family and I'm the adopted one.

Maybe I should know what I want to be when I grow up by now. I don't know. Just a crazy week and I haven't had time to care about my birthday.

Here is my list:

• Mary J.'s Breakthrough album
• Robin Thicke's Evolution of Robin Thicke album
  
• Taking those managing emotions courses - came into play today
• Understand my course reading assignments
• People in my life that constantly talk me off the ledge.

Have a good night.

No Words Day 17

Hi readers! I really have no words for today. Yes, things happened. Yes, I have an opinion on all of them. But I really have no words tonight. However, I do have a grateful list. Here it is:

• Procrastination (I know right - only day two)
• Nice lunch with team
• La Roux CD
• Marvin Sapp's "Best in Me"

Tomorrow I go to my second class, Intro. to Journalism course. Pray for your girl!

Reading is Fundamental Day 16

Ok, so I was nervous and anxious all day like a kid at Christmastime. I even left work ten minutes early. I was so excited and ready to be an adult learner. And well, I didn't follow rule number one: read class information carefully. Your girl went to the wrong building. In my defense, I went to the building of the specific college that I am a student of. However, I read the wrong line of my syllabus and got the professor's office confused with where the class was. And of course, I had to walk past two buildings up a hill to get to the right building. I was so hurt, embarassed, and disappointed in myself. Thankfully, I met nice people along the way that helped me find my way. Oh, and I forgot to mention it took me about eight minutes to find a park, so when I left my car I had like two minutes to spare.

So probably 10-12 minutes into it, I got to class. Thankfully again, another woman was walking in with me. There were two other women that showed up later than me and my potential late partner in crime. I was so sweaty and flustered by everything that it took me a few minutes before my hand could stop shaking and I could take notes.

The silver lining of all of this is I still have the makings of a being a good student. When asked who read the syllabus prior to class, I proudly raised my hand with most of the class. When asked who downloaded the E-Reserve materials for the class, I, along with one other person, raised my hand. I also took almost three pages of notes of everything the professor was brain farting. During the break, I felt like a fish out of water when I realized that I may be the only person in the class that is not a teacher or some who works for the school system. This is not good for me because we have to pick groups for our major project in a few weeks and like the wimpy kid in little league, I'm afraid no one would pick. We have the option to work alone, so like Neyo, I can be 'a movement by myself.' But I'd rather have some help.

Overall, it was an okay first class. I know I shouldn't let the beginning of my journey reflect my view of the whole thing, but I just feel stupid. How could I not know where I was going? I don't know.

Here is my grateful list:

• Nice people with tissue.
• That I read some of chapter one prior to class.
• Great support system with the most encouraging words.

TTYL!

Final Day of Freedom Day 15

Well, tomorrow the next chapter starts: grad school! I kept this in the back of my head today as I laid around my apartment most of the day, knowing that this may be the last Sunday I get this luxury until around Christmas. I stayed home from church to nurse my cold, which I'm glad to announce should only be around one more day.

Tomorrow night will be my first night of class. I'm excited and so nervous. I read the syllabus a few times and only 35% of it makes sense. After reading it today, I realized that one of my five books will have to be read in its entirety by September 20th. The book is 120 pages, but still. It's a whole book. I read the preface and the first five pages of chapter one of the main textbook and that didn't make me feel so dumb. I at least want to be able to hold my head semi-high on the first night. What I can tell of this course is that there are no tests, but it just a bunch of projects. I will also get 'partner' in the class, which will come in handy if I ever have to miss.

I think I've been downplaying how huge this goal will be. I hit me today, as I skimmed through all of the reading assignments for the next month, how much of a life I will not have. It also hit me that God knows what He is doing by not giving me too much distractions. My church responsibilities are non-existent for now, as I have told everyone I'm accountable to about school and working full time. I'm really glad I did and I'm also thankful for their understanding and prayers. My major prayers for school are that one, I'm doing God's will and studying what He wants me to study, and two, that I'm learning things that will be beneficial to my current job. I want to be able to take this knowledge back and use it ASAP.

My grateful list:

• Understanding 35% of the syllabus
• Friends
• Family
• Ability to pay bills
• Carpet cleaner (such a klutz)
  
• God being able

Good night and have a great week.

Dirty Work Day 14

Hi readers! I'm still under the weather, but the good news is my ears don't need to be popped anymore. I can hear perfectly (unless I blow my nose too hard then I have to wait a few minutes). But today was a good day. I saw two friends live their dream and sell their original art at an art festival. I caught up with a couple of friends and relatives via phone. I may get the bookshelf that I want at a reasonable price by my birthday. My first time using Craig's List and it may be my best friend if this works out.

I called this blog entry dirty work because today I had to deliver some bad news. Last Friday, I blogged about a promising date that I went on. But today, I told the dude that it wouldn't work. Mostly because of a major fact that he left out about himself that I found out during that promising date. The truth is that I'd been so busy this week that I had no time to think about him or the fact that I would have to tell him this isn't going to work. And actually, I didn't feel many sparks. When I blogged last week, I think was just on the high of having a nice night with nice people. And the fact that on dates, I rock! I'm smart, charming, and since I have a journalism background, I basically listen more than I talk and put Barbara Walters to shame as I find out loads of details about my dates. Next week I'll be 30 and sadly, I haven't gotten into a good romantic relationship like I hoped.

This two week experience with this dude taught me a few things. Number one, you can't fake chemistry with someone. It's either there or it isn't. And I've been out with people that I felt chemistry with, so once you know the real thing, you don't want imitation. Second, if you're lying about one thing, there has to be other things. I think in this case dude was lying to himself for so long, he believed what he tried to make me believe. The last thing this taught me is that I am getting better in terms of making clean breaks with people. I used to try and make bad relationships work, but not anymore. I'm learning to love myself more and in relationships, it means not staying if I don't feel comfortable. I don't want to enter my 30s the way I was in the 20s relationship wise. I just have to believe in what I can't see, which is that God has someone special for me.

My grateful list:

• Hearing
• My friend's living their dreams
  
• Talking to my friends today
• School in two days
• Pizza

Good night and you better wake up for church tomorrow.

This Week Needed to End...I Mean I'm Grateful Day 13

Yeah, this week was hard. Hard week at work plus I've been feeling sick all week. Let's break down my symptoms:
Monday - Nauseas and Stomach queasy
Tuesday - Still Nauseas with a sore throat
Wednesday - Sore throat and headache - I went home and slept for almost four hours. Taste buds begin to change. Thought Raisinets were disgusting
Thursday - Sore Throat, headache, Dizzy feeling mixed with stuffy nose.
Today - Stuffy nose, ear ache (desperately need to be popped- any takers?), head just feels stuffy, Can't taste anything and I keep eating like it's going to get better - Silly Rabbit!

So I officially have a cold. So tonight I've been laying low and I have the TV as loud as my parents do (no offense) because it's really hard to hear. I was watching some show on Discovery Health and for dramatic effect there was this beep in the background along with the dramatic music. That beep made me so paranoid. I thought it was someone's smoke detector was going off. Yeah, I'm gonna go back to that channel some day soon.

Well, I am grateful this week is over and for other things, such as:

• My birthday gift from my parents - a GPS! Time to break up with Map Quest. It's not me, it's you!
  
• This week being over
• Good training week
• Dayquil at night (the only reason I can write this blog)
• Did I mention this hectic week being over?!

Good night!

If My Bible Were My Child - Day 12

If my bible were my child, it would have been taken away by family services, even though I don't have a drug and alcohol problem and I'm not a criminal hiding from the law. My poor baby is not home because momma (me) left it in someone's car. I know this sounds like something that happens a lot in Christianville, but here's the part that would get the authorities involved.

I noticed Wednesday morning that my bible wasn't in the house, but I just assumed it was in the car. When I remembered to look in my car on my lunch break today, I realized that it was missing. I immediately remembered that I left it in a friend's car because we carpooled to Cleveland on Sunday. I emailed her and she confirmed my assumption. It didn't hit me until my car ride home from work that may be I should feel bad about this. I have other bibles, but not like this one. My other two bibles are hard-covered. My missing, but found bible is soft and when you bend the pages back, it doesn't ruin the bible. It fits perfectly in my purses and when on the couch, it feels comfortably in my lap. It's like the Snuggle bear of bibles. And now it's gone...well, until next week when I see my friend again.

The real reason that I feel so bad is because this is the same bible that read through last year. In fact, it says One Year Bible on the cover. Last year, me and this bible were thick as thieves. I read it almost everyday. This latest incident just proves how fair weather friends we have become. I need to get back with my bible, physically and mentally. This was a major lesson to me. Although I know my friend will take care of it, I keep getting visions of my bible singing 'Cats in the Cradle' and replacing the 'daddy' with 'mommy' and mommy is me!

Here is my grateful list:

• That my bible is in a safe location
• Two training classes down, one to go
• Double elimination on Big Brother
• One more week until the dirty 30!

Good night and hug your bibles for me!

Are You 'Down'? Day 11

For the past two month, I've rediscovered audio books. I love listening to them in the car, even if I'm driving down the street to the store, I will pop a CD in and just listen to someone else's life. This week I'm listening to I'm Down by Mishna Wolff. I read the book last year and I thought it would be entertaining as an audio book. It is a non-fiction book about a white girl who grew up in a black neighborhood. The funniest part about the book was that her white father actually thought he was black. Poor Mishna. All she wanted to be was the white girl she was born to be. Her little sister fit in to the black culture right away, but Mishna had to try. In the end, Mishna was too white for the black community and too black for the white kids she went to school with and throughout the book she told of her wins and loses of being 'down'.

Although this book has funny parts, it gets sad toward the end. It's always a sad thing to be me when you feel like you can't be yourself. During her life, she wanted her father's approval so much. She never wanted to embarrass him, but that's usually what happened. I can relate to Mishna in that way. As a child, I never wanted to embarrass my family, but it would happen, especially if I tried too hard. I was never the most popular kid. Whether it was my glasses or my friends or just the fact that I was in the room, I got teased. Like Mishna, at times I didn't know where I belonged.

The other day I asked if you would be friends with yourself if you weren't you. Today, my new question is, "As a child, were you 'down'? And by whose standards were you judging how 'down' you were? I know now that I used everyone's standards but my own to judge myself. It's kind of the human thing to do. You look to others for advice and guidance. However, if it guides you towards low self-esteem and self-hatred, you might want to get off of that bus. Now, I have God's standards as my judge. Even days that I don't feel I make the mark at least I can rest in the fact that I'm using a fair and holy judgment system.

My grateful list:

• My friend's good news (So proud of you)
• Mishna's story
• FINALLY finishing my payments for school (I had to charge $9 for some fee they didn't take out of my financial aid. Really Kent? Really?)
• Taco day in the cafeteria
  
• Finally having a hair goal...pray it works out for your girl.

Good night and God bless!

The Day Perfection Dies Day 10

Today was one of those days that started with hopelessness and tears. Some many little and big things led to this. I was able to snap out of it thanks to two things; a call to my mother and listening to soft gospel on the way to work. It helped get me in the mood for an optimistic day. There were events in this day that made me doubt everything good and everything in general. However, it ended with hope and love and the realization that I don't understand half of the things on this course syllabus. Seriously, I feel stuck on stupid reading this thing. Now, a person with common sense would think, "Duh! The reason you're in this class is to learn things you don't know so this syllabus should be like reading a foreign language." But my thought process was "WT_! This whole thing was a mistake. Maybe I can use my loan money for my vacation next year." I wanted to back out. Thankfully, I have a co-worker that has studied all of this before and she was able to translate the syllabus for me and I feel a tiny bit better about this. Also, God granted me some common sense to get through the mini panic attack I was giving myself about school.

College is such a different animal than it was eight years ago. Everything is online and nothing, including my bill, looks like you think it should. And everyone looks so young! And standing in the Bursar's office line I felt like a Cougar amongst the babies. But I know it will all be okay and that once I get to my specific course, I will see people that look like me (age wise) and have real responsibilities like me (bills and a benefit giving job).

Please pray for me because I'm having throat problems and I have two important courses to teach this week. Here is what this day brought in terms of being grateful:

• Mommy
• Misreading a bill
• Getting my books
• People believing in you when you don't
  
• Not being perfect
• The fact that I thought I was perfect
• Another day to try again.

Good night!

These are the Days of Our Lives Day 9

Today sucked! I'm sorry God and readers, but making my own weather didn't work today. I was frustrated, distant, and just not happy. I got some things accomplished, but I had to fight through the excuses of others. You ever feel like you bend so much for others that you'll never stand up straight? That was me today and only Andy (a.k.a Anne Hathaway) could understand my life.

To top it all off, something that I thought I could live without I felt today that I couldn't and although that should have scared me and I should have instantly rebuked satan, I didn't. Instead, I basically shrug my shoulders when I think about it. I don't know. This adult stuff is hard.

As hard as it was, I found some things to be grateful for:

• Clean hair
• The end is near on a project
• Leftovers

I'll try harder tomorrow. I promise!

Rock On Day 8

Today I went to one of my favorite places, the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame. If you're a music geek like me, you'd love it! There are so many exhibits to see, music to listen to, and documentaries to watch. My Sunday School class and I went there today on a field trip. Two of the people that went had never been and that is one place where it always fun to see it with someone who has never been before. We all had a great time and learned so many things.

One of my dream jobs is to be a Pop Culture Professor. It would love to teach a course where students learned about some of the great musical artists that we viewed today at the Rock Hall, as well as cinema and sitcoms. The best career you can have is to turn your hobby into your career. For grad school, I wanted to concentrate my studies in American Studies but I found out after being accepted that the program for it is no longer offered. So now I kind of back to square one and I don't know what to concentrate in. Please keep me in your prayers that I find the right mix of my true passions and the courses that can go with them.

Grateful list:

1. Music
2. Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame
3. Fellowships outside of church
4. Great message at church today
5. Being a music geek
6. Staying strong
   

I pray you have a great week!

Me Time Day 7

It's funny how you can spend a lot of money without even thinking. Between putting gas in the car, a trip to Target, paying my library fees, and buying my favorite lazy day food, pizza and hot wings, I think I'm out almost $70. I hate being an adult! But it was all things I needed, especially the pizza. I did work on work stuff today and now I feel better about the week ahead so I wasn't entirely lazy. I like my love seat. It's so comfortable and since I have a habit of sleepy in the fetal position, it's perfect for afternoon laziness and napping.

Overall, I managed to stay grateful and optimistic today. I'm finding myself turning my frown upside down more lately and not in a fake way. I'm telling myself to cheer up and be happy for happiness. I'm doing it so I can focus more on the positive instead of the worst case scenarios. There are so many news things coming up in my life. One more week until school starts and two more weeks until I turn 30. And to top it all off, I'm meeting new people that I know God placed in my life instead of me placing people in my life for company's sake. One month ago all of these things scared, but I'm learn to smile and accept and breath in all the wonderful blessings of God one moment at a time.

Today I am grateful for:

• Pizza
• The ability to keep myself company - I guess I would be friends with myself after all!
• Church tomorrow

Have a wonderful evening and you better get up for church tomorrow!