Confessions from Bed-Side Baptist

I, Christian Cleavage/JRE, stayed home from church today. I know. I know. THE SHAME! This blog is about my relationship with God and one of my foundations of our relationship is going to church and worshipping with other believers and today....well, it didn't happen. I can't even blame sickness for my M.I.A. from church. After a busy weekend, I was tired and couldn't find the energy to go.

For those of you who don't go to church and normally stay home on Sunday, let me paint you a picture of how it feels for a regular attendee, like myself, to purposely miss church. Staying home from church reminds me of:
1) Faking sick to your parents to stay home from school because you had a test you didn't study for
2) Calling off from your job and making sure that you fake cough at least twice and channel your inner Dionne Warwick to get just the right 'sick voice' so that he/she won't need a medical excuse
AND THE BEST AND WORST WAY TO DESCRIBE IT:
3) The scene in Risky Business where Tom Cruise slides across the floor in his underwear and sock and does the world's most famous happy dance because he's got the house to himself and he's a couple scenes away from having sex on a subway.

Now, before you go anointing oiling me down. The only reason I danced like Tom (in my head) was because I was tired and it was nice not to have to wake up early. Instead of having to wake up and go to church hungry and not eat until the ungodly hour of 1pmish, I got to wake at my leisure, take a long, hot shower and deep condition my hair, and make a big breakfast with a slide of Dunkin Donuts home coffee. Yum! Today, I had church Ray Charles style. If you saw Ray, there was a scene where he was reading the bible in a hotel room with gospel music in the background..and he told the Record Exec he was 'havin church'. Minus the music, tonight I did the same thing.

I smile as I type all of this because on a resting tip, today was a beautiful day. Did I miss my friends? Yes. Did I miss the music and worship? Of course. Will I look forward to the people in my life who do everything but put up Missing Posters because they did see me today and will not see me next week because I'll be out of town with family? Yes, I look forward to that. I used to hate it, but as I get older, I realize how important it is to be missed and thought about then not even mentioned. But since I know me and I know how many times I've attended church tired or hungry, I know that today is not the end all, be all of my Christian journey. Some believers think it is and may be there's right. But if God really loves a cheerful giver and appreciate genuine praise, then mine would not have satisfied him and therefore, I think I can rest tonight for missing a day.

I pray that this holiday isn't driving you crazy and that you remember what this time is really about.

I Feel Like It's Just Me - Following God's Commands

I made a sad realization last week. Not sad, sad, but more of a good news-bad news realization. The good news is that I'm almost done reading my One Year Bible. Yeah! The bad-sad news is that although I am understand God's word more, I'm missing the application part. In other words, I don't think I've done much with God's word this year but read it. I know what you're thinking, especially the people that regularly read my blog. Those people tell me I am too hard on myself and that I need to give myself credit for small victories. And this is true. However, lately, my application and understanding don't seem to match.

In my defense, it's hard to follow God's command. Some days it seems outright impossible. Think about it. I remember reading in Romans about sexual desires and lust and how you need to control your thoughts so you don't act out on them. Okay, that's all good...until you see an attractive person in a mall that even days later you can't get out of your mind. Or if you see a hot sex scene on tv that either takes you back to a time in your life when you had hot sex or makes you desire a sexual experience you've never had. Also, the various passages about greed. Mostly, they refer to money, but what about greed when it comes to eating. I'll admit I'm a 'eat the last cookie in the cookie jar' girl or 'let's see how much of this medium pizza I can eat by myself' girl. And don't get me to talking about greed with my own time. You know those nights you don't answer the phone even when the person's name on the caller ID brings up good feelings and memories. Or a resume you've had for weeks that you are procrastinating because you realized after you took the resume how much you hate doing resumes and also that you have no clue how the resume game has changed (sorry April - you'll get something before the new year). My favorite activity of the month has been zoning off into space. It reminds me of when I see babies not touching or playing with anything and then they suddenly laughing for no reason at all. Zoning out is my miscellaneous baby laugh.

On Wednesdays, I figure a scripture that I agree with. Well, this Wednesday I wanted to use scriptures that has been convicting me even seen I read them weeks ago.
Psalm 119:18 - Open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in your instructions.
Psalm 119:73 - You made me; you created me. Now give me the sense to follow your commands.

Actually, haunting me would be a better way to describe how these scriptures have affected my life. Upon first reading them, I wondered why they were even in the bible, especially since a big thing I hear in the church is that God doesn't always tell you the 'why' when he gives us direction or speaks to you. But I think these scriptures, especially the first one, indicate that he doesn't want us to just follow him blind. The 'wonderful truths' and 'sense' are him wanting us to understanding why he feels a certain way about a subject or situation. When you read it carefully, the bible gives explanations as to why things like virginity and the Sabbath (just to name a few) should be treasured and why things like having sex with relatives and barnyard animals are wrong. But even with it's explanation, I'm still haunted. I'm still confused and I'm still wanting to dance to the beat of my own drum on certain matters.

My constant prayer since they've entered my life is that I can follow God's commands. I pray that as begin to understand the 'wonderful truths', I can live out God's commands. Let me know your thoughts on these scriptures and how you're doing as far as following God's commands. Sorry for the week long absence from writing. I felt that if I wasn't living by the commans I didn't deserve to write about them. I know that's not what God wants so forgive me for not sharing every part of the journey.

I'm Sober...Oh So Sober

Just getting home from work, I have a unique wish. I wish I were one of those people who drinks wine. Not one of those know-it-all wine drinkers or an alcoholic wine drinker, but just a regular person who comes home to a single glass of wine to relax. I don't drink and even for one day I can't really allow myself to become a wine drinker because well, I'm not a big fan of wine. Instead of wine, I'll be in the sober corner with my coffee, day old popcorn, and Raisinets.

In the title, I write that I'm sober, but not just in the non-alcoholic sense. If you're a Christian, maybe you can relate to the type of day/time in my life that I'm having. When I say I'm sober, I mean that I've woken up and remembered today very clearly who I'm living for. Lately, I've had several days and moments where I forget that my life is not my life. It's God. I have to live out the purpose he has for me, not the one I really want to give myself. I'm sober today because it hit me that the things that are making me happy aren't what makes God happy. I'm sober now and realize that although I can write the book on my own life, it doesn't mean that things will turn out the way I wrote them in the book. Instead, God can publish his version of my book and depending on how I act, it can either be a best seller or on the bargain table as soon as it hits the stores.

Although I'll thank him tomorrow, I don't like being this sober. God is not a God of confusion, so being sober is necessary and with it, I am no longer confused. I know what I have to do. It means things in my life have to change and they are going to be painful changes. These changes are going to change the way that I think and feel. They're going to change my smile. In fact, I may not smile for a few days when the change occurs. But I'll make God happy and isn't that what this Christian journey is all about.

Field Trip!

Today, I got to relive one of the best elements of childhood....I went on a field trip! At my church, I'm a member of a Sunday School class called Creative Class. The name and ministry is based on the book Creative Call by Janice Elmsheimer. The book discusses how important it is to use the creative gifts God gives you and that if you once did something like write or draw, you should begin to do it again because you're wasting your talent by not doing it. I'm blessed to be in a class with very creative people that do things like, writing, drawing, painting, sculpting, tennis instructors, jewelry makers, musicians, organizers, business professionals, photographers, graphic designers, videographers, and other bloggers just to name a few. Well today, we decided to take our class out of the classroom. All of us went to the 8 a.m. service and then went out for breakfast together and then the Akron Art Museum. The Akron Art Museum is free on the first Sunday of the month, so it was a perfect opportunity for people like me to see it for the first time.

It is always nice to see people out of the church setting because you can see them with their hair down and having fun. The most touching thing about the trip was the featured exhibit by an artist named Chuck Close. He is famous for painting and designing photo-like portraits of people. The thing that fascinated me the most about him was the fact that he had some many obstacles to overcome like being paralyzing and various learning disabilities. I love the fact that he didn't treat those things as obstacles. He knew who he was and that was an artist and that as long as he had that, he could make it through anything. I've often prayed to God for something that no matter what happened to me could help get me through anything. Something to do that would get me up in the morning. Something to keep me strong and hardworking. God often answers that prayer by putting me in positions where I can use my gifts of writing or public speaking so that I do have a reason breathing in and out everyday.

Another fun aspect of the museum is the arts and crafts opportunities that they often on the first Sunday. Today for the first time ever, I made a gingerbread house. I normally try to stay away from anything that involves me using my hands in a crafty way, but of course, on field trip today, anything goes. I made what started off as a gingerbread house and ended up being a Reindeer 'dog' gingerbread house (thanks Jacqui for the name) because it fell a few times. When it fell for the last time, all I could say was, 'I'll stick to writing.' Although I said that jokingly, the activity really confirmed for me how lost I can be having to create with anything that isn't a pen or paper or computer or even the keypad on my cellphone. But I had fun and with a group like my class that's all that matters. I haven't thanked God for my Creative Call class in a way, so let me publicly do it now. Creative Call, thank you so much for being in my life and blessing me with your friendships, love, support, and your creativity. I love you guys.

As I promised on the field trip, here are pictures of my Reindeer 'dog' gingerbread house.

You Know Better

Whenever I get to sections of the bible where it seems to repeat itself, I think my childhood. I remember how it seemed that my parents would say the same things over and over again. 'Don't do this'...'don't forget to do that'...and my favorite, 'now, you know better than that.'

In my past few bible reads, I keep getting the same message, You Know Better, through a few scriptures I've seen. The scripture that sticks out for today is James 4:17 - Remember, it is a sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it. Pretty common sense, right? Even Spike Lee knew to do the right thing. So why can't we get this right? Better yet, why can't I get it right?

There are situations that have recently occurred where I knew the right thing to do and didn't do it. It wasn't anything Earth-shattering or Lifetime movie/Snapped worthy or anything where my 'Christian card' should be taken away from me. Sometimes it's those little decisions throughout the day that can really show us who we are. I know within the past month I have no always done the right thing.

I can use every Christian excuse in the book if I wanted to. For example, I could say:

• I haven't been reading my word on a daily, so I don't feel my closeness with God, so I felt it was Ok to ask like I never knew him.
• I just sinned this time. Does it really matter?
• I paid my tithes. Does it really matter?
  
• I didn't go to church on Sunday, so shouldn't I have a 'get out of knowing Jesus-free week'.
• In my defense, the bible is a huge book with a lot of things to remember. There's no way I can obey all of your commands.
  

I could go on and on with my Christian excuses. I know these statements may seem a little Scared Straight: Bible Edition, but some days I truly feel like that. Yes, I knew better than to do certain things, but I'm human. I'm flesh. I am but dust. Why does God expect so much from me? Maybe it's not God that expects so much from me than me not thinking higher of myself. Maybe God wants me to realize that I am settling in my life when I don't obey him and follow his instruction. When I think the temporary high will be better than the long term reward. When I think that my language or lying or gossiping will give me the biggest laugh when in actuality God's pleasures of peace and being still will make my laugh more joyful and will ensure I rest easier at night.

Ultimately, God wants us to know and do better because we are better people than we think of ourselves sometimes. When I was in the world and not treating my body as I temple, it took someone who misused my body to tell me that I was more than what was between my legs and the breasts on my chest and the long hair on my head and the skinny statue that I was. That guy was trying to tell me that I am worth more. God wants us to be worth more. I always thought it was strange when the bible would have the word, remember, at the beginning of the sentence. I mean aren't we supposed to remember the whole bible?! After reading this verse, I get it. The word is thrown in there because even God knew we would have to remember to 'remember' who our lives are really for and that the poor decisions we make ignorant and foolish and well, like we don't know any better.

This Week I Know It's Not Just Me - Thanks Inventory

On 9-22-09, I wrote a blog post called It Begins With Thanks. With Thanksgiving being this week, I thought I would be typical for one moment and write about what I am thankful for now. Here is a scripture that I feel suits my mood and the mood of others for this week.

Psalm 109:30 - But I will repeatedly give thanks to the Lord, praising him to everyone.

It's funny how my list has changed since the 9-22-09 post. Here a few things that I am thankful for:
- This blog
- My wonderful 19 Followers (thank you so much)!
- Family love and support
- For surviving yet another car accident
- Hitting work deadlines
- Music - discovered a new band this week, the Rescues
- Lower bills-budgeting tips
- Hot showers
- Peace of mind and its ability to show up when necessary
- Tears because I'm way more in touch with my emotions when they come out that way.
- Not always having to be the bigger person
- Hugs and kisses
- Hindsight
- New friends
- God forgiving me when I don't get it right the first time
- Patience
- Going to Pittsburgh today!!!!
- The ability to be thankful

I used the scripture above for today's post because my purpose for this blog was to praise the Lord in front of others and to show what can become of your life when you begin to live for the Lord. The past two months of blogging have been better than any therapy I could have paid for. Not that I would ever do it, but I get posing for Playboy or one of those publications. With this blog, I get to be naked with my feeling in front of others and it's so freeing and definitely helped me inhale and exhale better. When I hit 'Publish Post', there's no turning back. My words are out there and I love it! Thank you all for reading and encouraging me and letting me love what I do. I thank God for all of you and if I don't post tomorrow, have a great Thanksgiving.

Lack of Sleep Diaries

When you've had less than four hours of sleep, you shouldn't be able to do the following things:

• Drive a car
• Teach six hours of soft skills training classes
• Spend an evening with a very important person
• Wake your mother up at 7 a.m. just to tell her about your evening with a very important person
• Write pages and pages of training materials
• Edit training materials
• Prepare important Excel reports
  
• Shop - for anything!
  
• Attempt to do more to your hair than a simple ponytail

This week I did all of those things. With the exception of the my hair, I did it all surprisingly well. This week I was missing sleep like my niece misses her binky and felt like the craziest person alive.

In hindsight, I could have gone to bed earlier most of those nights. The one night I attempted to go to bed early my upstairs neighbor was cussing someone out throughout the night. He said the F-bomb so many times I thought George Carlin was still alive. As a result, that night I didn't fall asleep into peaceful sleep until 3ish.

In order to stay awake, I drank plenty of work supplied coffee, listened to lots of Fall Out Boys and Britney, listened to endless TD Jakes, Joel Osteen, and Pastor Vernon sermons on You Tube, and prayed every day that God would give me the strength and energy I needed. I learned a lot this week from the sermons about dreams, having a vision, using the time I have wisely, and about the people that you need to hang around. However, I still haven't figured out what Britney is saying in 3.

This week did bring several joys. My training classes went well and I actually remember what I said in them. Biggest highlight - I had the best night of my life this week when I hung out with the important person. I made a new friend and I'll soon begin working in a new ministry so double blessing.

Today, I was able to make up for my lack of sleep throughout the week. I followed the words of Mark 6:31 - Let's go off by yourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile. I watched a marathon of Grey's Anatomy episodes from Season Five. I cried at least four times while watching them. But it felt good to have the quiet time and rest. I'm praying that the Lack of Sleep Diaries is over at least until after the holiday. I'm going to go back to resting now. Have a good evening and thanks for reading.

I Have Not Forgotten You

Hi all! I want to take a break from the regularly scheduled program of 'I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday'. Don't worry. Next week, I will bring back the regularly scheduled program of a new verse that I find interesting from the bible.

This blog topic has been on my mind for the past week. It started last week with a thought that I had on my way to work. Well, actually more like a fantasy. On my way to work I think mostly think about what it would be like to not have to go to my job anymore. Not because of a layoff or insubordination, but in my fantasy, I am actually doing one of my many dream careers. Don't get me wrong. The job I have now is one of my dream careers. I love certain aspects of my job, but really if I could do my job and work within my own schedule it would be sweet!

On any given day, I am grateful for the moments that remind me of the dreams that I have in my heart. Let me give you a few examples.

On the drive to work - when I hear a song that love on the radio, it reminds me of my dream of working in the music industry as songwriter, producer, or some other music exec. Also, the not so glamorous fantasy of being a record store owner like John Cusack's character in High Fidelity.

Yesterday I attended a baby shower at work and that reminded me of my dream of being a mom. Also, any time I talk to my sister and her kids are making noises in the background - I don't smile with jealousy. I smile and laugh in anticipation for what I want.

Discussing the upcoming wedding of a co-worker reminds me of my desire to be marriage. The smile and joy on her face is priceless and I can't wait to have a priceless smile. Also, the desire to be in love again and for myself, having the hope that 'next time it will be different'.

Looking at the lives of some of my friends on Facebook remind me of my dreams to travel and hopefully live somewhere else. Nothing is wrong with Akron, but in an earlier post, I mentioned my desire to go to California and how that hasn't gone away.

The last desire I have is of course writing. I probably get reminded of this dream the most not just because of the books I've read recently, but because of the TV shows, NPR programs, and church sermons I listen to. There are so many people out there that get paid and recognized for the words they say or write it's amazing and it's everywhere. My first love was definitely words that's for sure (sorry to the guy out there that thought that would be personal shout out him).

I call this blog post, 'I Have Not Forgotten You', because during that 25 minute drive to work I make sure that I don't forget the real dreams that are in my heart but live out those dreams even if in my mind. When I have weeks like this week where my days are longer, several deadlines and nothing's done, and I go home to an empty apartment with no one to unload on, I need those dreams. In fact, some days I need them more than food and air. T.D. Jakes once said, "A dream is God telling you how your story ends." I pray that God will let some of these things come to pass for me and if he doesn't, I have to trust that he has reasons.

I hope you don't mind me reflecting on what I hope to come. I know I've mentioned some of these things in past blogs, but it's important that you remind yourself of your dreams. For the past couple of days, I've been feeling like I am just going through the motions, so I need to remind myself that the motions of life change constantly and it's to me to ensure my life is moving and changing toward the dreams that I have for myself. You can't live by someone else's expectation for you. You have to live by what God is telling you and by what you have in your heart. Please share your thoughts on this blog and reflect on any dreams that you hope will come soon.

I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday - Multi-Purpose Faith

The scripture I want to focus on today is one that I sent a friend via text message in July. I told him that this scripture describes the foundation of our relationship perfectly.

Romans 1:12 - When we get together, I want to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours.

Upon re-reading it today, this scripture really symbolized to me that my faith, salvation, and the grace and mercy that God gives me is not all for me. It's really for others. It's easy to say that you should encourage one another, but what does that really mean? I know for me it means that when I get together with my friends, family, or people at work, I should try uplift their spirits, hopes, dreams, and desires as much as possible. Instead of quickly judging and giving my input on what they want, I should take the time and listen to them for understanding rather than evaluation. It also requires me to be honest with them in regards to what I am encouraging them to do and in a loving way.

On the other side of this coin, you should also be encouraged by the people around you - this is the 'all about you' part! You have to take a look at the people you're hanging around and ask yourself, 'should I really be around these people? Do they bring me down or lift me up? ' Also, in regards to being encouraged by someone else's faith, ask yourself what do the people around you want out of life? I'm not saying that everyone should want to make lots of money or live in the biggest house, but they should be striving for something and more importantly, they should believe that God is able to do anything. I am often encouraged by the faith of my friends. When my friends are passionate about something, they will pray heaven in order for something to happen with it and that encourages me. I don't want to hang with people who have given up and don't believe in anything other than today. So people watch the company you keep and pray for discernment about those people who are not encouraging you or themselves.

This scripture reminds me of 'it's better to give than to receive' in a sense because on one side, you want to be the one who encourages the other person, but then you also want to be encouraged. So which side should you want to be on? Truthfully, both are great. Sharing encouragement with another person is a beautiful thing. When you genuinely want the best for another person and pray that their deepest desires come to pass, you've hit the Christian Jackpot! Because that's when your heart contains everything God wants you to have. That's when you'll feel closest to God because every moment of every day God wants the best for us.

So when you have someone in your life that is speaking life into you, praying for you, and giving you that one-on-one encouragement, thank God for them. And don't forget to do your part and encourage them back. As always, leave a comment with your thoughts on this blog entry and share an experience of being encouraged or being the one to encourage. God bless you!

Not a Shakespeare Day!

I have a confession. This is the second morning in a row that I don't have a real topic to blog about. Since I go to extremes even in my thoughts, my first thought was, 'have a lost my super cool connection with God?' And of course because of who God is, that answer is no. Second thought, 'have a lost my spark or my touch?' And because of who I am, I know that answer is no. So what's going on? I want to write, but nothing is happening to write about.

Well, after thinking this over as my computer booted up this morning, I had to remind myself of something I say all the time....Jenn Jenn, it's really not that serious!

For the past two days, I haven't been motivated to write anything and I have to be okay with that. I'm learning to be okay with it. This past weekend was one of the best I've had since the weekend with my family in October, so I figured the words would just flow. I got to hang out with people I haven't seen in a while. I ate wonderful food and just had a wonderful time. Sunday was church and rest, my two favorite Sunday activities. So why don't I have a topic for this dang blog?

Well, because my blog content is not based on my weekend. It's based on what God wants me to write. After the second week of blogging, I sadly had to kick myself off my on own pedestal when I realized God might not inspire wonderful thoughts and words everyday. My topics, like the seasons of life, are going to come and go. Some days I'll hit it out of the park and even inspire myself and some days I'll sleep in and forget for two seconds that I have this blog.

I hope this post wasn't too bored for you. I just want to write you all and tell you that as much as you want to be, some days you're not going to be Shakespeare or have beautifully written dreams like MLK. You may have a day where you're like a flustered contestant on a game show who doesn't answer before the buzzer goes off. However, I'm not fluttered or upset about this. As much I want to drop some knowledge today, I know that when the idea or inspiration comes, I'll be ready. Have a great day!

I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday - One Point for Singleness - Zero for Drama-filled Relationship

Hey everybody! It's my favorite day to blog! Well, actually it's the one day of the week I told myself I would always blog. Today is I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday, which is where I discuss a scripture that I agree with and would agree with even if I wasn't a Christian. This year of reading the bible has brought to light so many scriptures to me and not just the ones that I've heard over and over. On Wednesday, I like to focus on a scripture that either I maybe heard once and never again or possibly never read before. I remember this particular scripture about a year ago and I want to share it with you now. This scripture is from a New Living Transition bible.

Proverbs 25:24 - It's better to live alone in a corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.

The older I get, the more I realize singleness can be a really cool thing. I am single with no children so my singleness really has it's perks for me. Take tonight for example. When I got home, I heated up leftover and the portion was just enough for me. After eating, I laid down on the couch and checked Facebook a few times from my cell phone because my computer desk seemed really far away. I then read a few pages of the book, Guinea Pig Diaries (very funny, by the way). Afterwards, I took a little cat nap before reading my word for today and blogging tonight. Now, as a single woman living on her own, this is a typical night for me....and to be truthfully honest, I usually love every minute of it. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to kiss when I walk through the door. Yes, it would have been nice to not eat leftover and have someone here who could have started cooking dinner for me. And of course, sex would be nice. Hey, just keeping it real! But at what cost do I really want these things?

I don't think about my ex-boyfriends often, but when I do, I thank God that none of those relationships lasted. Not because they were bad people or even Dateline level dangerous. If I would have stayed in those relationships, I wouldn't have been the 'Proverbs 31 Virtuous' woman, but the 'Proverbs 25:24 quarrelsome wife' woman. If that were the case, then I would be the person with Dateline or Snapped tendencies! Those relationships were not build to last. In fact, some of them weren't meant to start, but I thank God that they are over and I have yet another chance to find someone new.

I don't want to be a quarrelsome wife, nor do I want a quarrelsome husband. So until the time comes for me to meet and marry my husband, I will stay in my corner - or in my case, my one bedroom apartment. One realization I had this year is that I don't need my Ken doll to have my Barbie dream house. I started house hunting a couple of months ago so that I can expand my corner. Although I'm probably a year or two away from having a house, I know that I can make my own home and when my husband comes along, he will just have to get a moving truck and settle in. I always fantasized about buying my first home with my husband. I wanted someone to grow with. My realization this year was to make a new dream and since I've been doing this well on my own, let's take it to the next level and have our own house.

When I read this scripture a year ago, I remember thinking that although this scripture has merit, it doesn't take away the lonely nights of being single and all the responsibility and stress I have to bare on my own. Reading now I see it in a whole new light. I read it now as inspiration to keep on the single path that I am on and to not make any stops until God taps me on the shoulder and tell me the guy is a keeper. Because I don't need any drama coming up in my one bedroom apartment!

Everywhere That I Go

Today, I had the song, Everywhere That I Go by Israel Houghton, in my head all day - even now. Since I don't own the CD, I went to You Tube several times throughout the day to hear this song. During my bible reading tonight, I read with this song in my head and began to think about my car accident two weeks ago. That was not my first car accident. In fact, I have been in several. What makes them all significant is that I survived all of them with not one scratch on my body. There were a few that I was sore, but never any real damage and based on some of them, you couldn't tell that if you saw the car or cars involved.

I don't like to talk about them because one, it's embarrassing. Surprisingly, people tend to make fun of you for being in a car accident, even ones that aren't your fault and ones that I could have killed you. It's insensitive to me and hurts my feeling, hence I tend to leave out the biggest part of my testimony. There is nothing fun about any car accident to me. Even before all of mine, I never laughed at people in them because everyone makes mistakes and what if someone had gotten hurt. Even typing about them now I scared about the reaction I will get, but God wanted me to write this tonight based on my experience with him during my reading.

Tonight, I read Lamentations. At the beginning, it talks about how beautiful Jerusalem was, comparing it the queen of the Earth and being the greatest among the nations. But then it turned to being deserted and in according chapter 1:1 - now sits alone like a widow. It mentions how God planned its' destruction and he knew what he was doing when he ruined it. All of a sudden as I read I began to cry. All of those car accidents I was in I was able to walk away from. It might have caused me a lot of money and at one point, a lawsuit that caused me terrible stress and anxiety attacks, but my health did not fail and I walked away with no scratch and the law suit was dropped. As I cried, I asked God, like I have before, why I didn't end up like Jerusalem? Why didn't God destroy me? Why didn't I die or at least get seriously hurt? Those may seem like stupid and pointless questions, but when you experienced the same drama over and over, you tend to think, 'ok, just get rid of me already so I don't have to face my family, friends, or anyone else.' But another thing also happens when I think of the accidents. The beautiful and painful thing that happens is I get extremely overwhelmed when I think of whatever it is God apparently has planned for me to do. Obviously, there has to be some great assignment or task to fulfill if I am surviving these many times from something that could kill me.

As the tears flowed tonight, I said, once again, thanks be to God for sparing my life and wonder what it is he has for me to do. May be it's this blog. May be it's the children I haven't had yet or the marriage I haven't had yet. May be it's more ministry work. May be it's something for my family. Whatever it God is not letting me get away without doing it and again, I can only say thank you for snatching me out of harm's way. It makes me also feel silly for tripping out over the little things that I do because of the bigger picture and the bigger situations God's already seen me through. Bishop did a series on Being Chased and Chosen by God and it was one of my favorite series because I never thought of God being in my life in those terms. Because of the series, I know when God has had to chase me from stuff I had no business doing. Through reading the bible this year, I am seeing how great it is to be chosen by him. Please remember God is there wherever you go. You don't have to survive horrific things like me to feel him. Learn to feel him in the good as well as the difficult. I appreciate God more now for surviving what I did and giving me the opportunity to write about it today.

Fighting the Urge

As a Christian (and human to be perfectly honest), I find myself fighting several urges throughout the day. The reason I'm even fighting these urging because my understanding of God's word and the realization that these things I think about and want to do I shouldn't (Okay can't) do. Although I am not finished reading the bible, I already have a good dose of what God expects of me and other Christians. In fact, there are some days when I think, "If I see the words 'love', 'patient', and 'wait' in this book one more time, I'm going to lose it!" Seriously, I get where God is coming from. It's just hard to put some of these things in application.

Let me walk you through my day. Here are some of the urges I fight every day of my life:

• Cussing
• Giving unsolicited advice
• Trying to change other people
• Telling people what I really think about things
  
• Telling people what I really think about them
  
• Sexual temptation
• Negativity
• Jealousy
• Food (eating whatever I want in whatever quantity I want)

I mentioned food last because I lost my fight to food last night and for lunch today. Last night at church all I could think about was a burger. A Rally's burger to be exact. Although I promised myself this week I would eat what's at home and not have any takeout, I REALLY wanted a burger. So after church I went to the gas station that was located far from the Rally's (so not to be tempted), but I couldn't shake this burger thing. So I decided to just go to the McDonalds down the street and get my burger - and fries of course! And when I got home, I enjoyed my burger. And since I already ate one apple - I mean burger, I got another (this time Wendy's) burger. I had salads for dinner and lunch since Monday, so the burgers were the biggest amount of fat I ate all week and I plan on eating a salad tonight for dinner. Even with my justification, I lost this battle, but I give myself props for the ones I did win today like some I mentioned above.

It is really hard to fight the urges that I have, even when the outcome good or bad doesn't affect other people. There will be a day, however, that my choice of urges I give into will affect others. For example, when I get married. Anyone who knows me know how much I would like to be married someday. In fact, if I were running for Miss America, my campaign would be based around rather than a real charity. Joyce Meyers reminded me of the 1 peter 3:1, which talks about a woman winning over her unbelieving husband by her respectful, Godly behavior rather than her words. I feel that even if your husband is a believer, it is still good in regards to men to lead by example. Sometimes, if you come at a man too hard with your words, he will not listen. Some days I wonder if it's my behavior that is not allowing me to be married and some days that answer is yes. If I can't handle fighting some of my urges to say or do certain things single, then having a man in my life is not going to make it better or make my life whole.

I think that the ability to fight some of these urges builds character and helps you mature. It is hard to have to mature and be every single day. Some days I wish I could go back to the school playground where you can say unlimited 'Your momma's' and talk about anyone that you want. On the playground, boys hit you if they like you. As an adult, boys don't hit you. Instead, they ask questions and want to get to know you - the good ones anyway. I know for myself, there's the fear that I don't answer the questions 'correctly' and that ultimately the guy will see the mental case I can be at times and walk away. So in those instances, I fight the urge to A) tell everything about myself in one sitting and B) try to at least think through what I am going to say to avoid the perception of being a mental case!

As always, let me know your thoughts on this post and what urges you fight daily/weekly/monthly. I'm going to start writing back to some of your comments. Being new to blogging, I wasn't sure if I should. On some site, people comment on their own blogs and some don't. I decided today that I want to be one of the ones that do because of the great phone calls and emails I have about some of the post. Also, because of the great comments people write. I read all of them so people keep writing them. Thanks and have a blessed evening (or day if you read it tomorrow).

I Know It's Not Just Me Wednesday - Wonderfully Complex

This week I would like to focus on a possibly familiar scripture. Thanks to various versions of the bible, a new way of stating this particular scripture. The scripture for this week is Psalm 139:14, which normally states, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

My bible, which is the One Year Bible - New Living Translation, has a cooler version of that scripture.
Psalm 139:14 (remix) - Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous - how well I know it.

Readers, I am happy to read and confirm that God made me wonderfully complex! I feel 'wonderfully complex' most of the time. I feel misunderstood about 70% of the time by others. I could be misunderstood because of something I say, my facial expression, actions, and even my ability/inability to comprehend certain things. I realized how complex I was when I went to college and there are two thing that stick out to me in regards to being complex. One, joining a gospel choir in my second year and feeling at least for the first year that I had nothing in common with any of them. At the time, I didn't listen to much gospel music and my church at home was pretty conservative, so I didn't praise God like them and didn't have the music knowledge they did. All I knew was I loved to sing and the gospel choir sounded like a good group to join, but that first year was rough. Everyone was nice, but there was an inability for me to understand them and their inability to understand me. Thankfully, after the first year, I learned to get along with the other members and realized they were just as nutty and complex in their own ways as I am. The second occurence or occurences of complexity were in my English courses. I minored in English because I loved reading and writing. In my courses, I always felt different from others based on how I read the chosen books. I never quite agreed with the others who saw things as black and white. Instead, I saw all of the colors of the rainbow and one of those big Crayola boxes when I read! I could go on and on mentioning other examples from my life that make me feel different and complex, but I'm sure you get the point.

When I first joined my current church home, I thought that I would only feel 'wonderfully complex' until I met people and got acclimated into the culture. Well, I was wrong. Although I'm involved in church activities and I've built relationships there, I still feel as complex to others as I always have. However, I'm learning that this is a good thing and that way that God designed it. Everyone is supposed to be different and 'wonderfully complex' in their own way. If we all had everything in common and talked the same way and walked the same way, it would make for a boring existence and God is in no way boring - at least the people he used in the bible aren't. It's all about being comfortable in your own skin and with your own complex ways.

I'm reading through the bible with a friend of mine and we have discussions on what we've learned. My friend usually has this articulate and wonderful way of describing a story or situation and the key lessons he received from it. I, on the other hand, use pop culture and other analogies to describe what I learn. Like the other day, I compared this one man in Jeremiah (forgot his name) to a serial killer because of how the bible describes he basically went on a random killing spree after killing one key person.

It's little things like that make me wonderfully complex. Just think - what if I had called this blog 'Christian Woman's Journey to God' or something deep like that? Yeah, it would have stated the reason and focus of my writing, but Christian Cleavage is much more interesting. Think of ways that you are wonderfully complex from other people. For close friends of mine reading this site, I can tell you a few things that make you complex.

Re-Entering the Land of the Living

Hey all! I'm back. Not just to blogging, but back to my old self. Old self being the person I was about a week ago. Thanks for your prayers and support during this time. Praise God I am no longer sick. I think I had a sinus infection/cold. I also feel better about not winning the Writer's Digest writing contest - even though it would have been cool to at least place. Also, I am no longer sore from the deer hitting accident. I was only a two in a scale of 1-10 in regards to being sore, but I am healed just the same. Things in life knock you down (in the words of Keri), but the important things is to get up again (in the words of Donnie), but before I got up, I had my pity party. I hate to admit this, but sometimes it only takes one-two major events to set me off into pity partying. And I would say, in my own defense, that a sinus/cold thing that you can't shake and having a run-in with a live animal on a random Tuesday evening are major events!

The thing that I need you to understand, however, is that I throw really good pity parties and this past one was no exception. I made brownies, rented movies, read two fiction books, didn't think about exercise (couldn't anyway because of the heavy medications), brainstormed ideas for my next short story, and I also cleaned my closet and thoroughly dusted my bedroom. So it wasn't all play and no work. I had a blast! Mostly because I took time and rested and did what activities and tasks that I knew would help calm me down. The sad part was I alienated some close friends and family a little in the process and for that, I am sorry.

Overall, I think I just felt defeated by life. With the sickness, everything I tried didn't work and I had to go to the doctor to get a pill that I thought would work. So that's a $25 co-pay plus the $60 plus dollars in prescriptions. Hitting the deer (or the deer hitting me) was a scary event. I'm still a little shaken to drive my car because there are deer signs all over the place. Plus, the money that I have to pay for everything. And the contest...the contest! The only reason that was such a let down is because I took Beth Moore's words to heart. In her book, Believing God, she stated that God doesn't want us to pray just safe prayers. God wants to do the impossible. And my impossible task for God was having my short story or poem get picked out of thousands as the winner and it didn't happen. Not that I don't believe God or Beth Moore, it just didn't happen for what I wanted it to. So really, it was just a week of defeat and honestly, I didn't know how to handle it.

Let met semi take that back. I knew how to handle it, but I didn't want to. Jay-Z makes it sound cool to just brush your shoulders off when bad things happen. However, try brushing off pain (physical and mental), disappointment, and a shrinking bank account and credit card, then tell me how it worked for you. It also was ironic to me that the accident happened on the one month anniversary of Christian Cleavage. You don't think the devil is angry with me, do you? Not little old, understanding the bible for the first ever and tell others about it me??? So yeah, in hindsight I probably had all of these bad things coming, but being a strong person last week didn't sound fun. You know what was fun? Licking the brownie batter. Read a book in one sitting. Listening to the Sirius radio in the rent-a-car. Sleeping during the day like I was a scrub getting no love. Those things were fun.

Finding out I gained six pounds since my birthday during my $25 doctor visit was not fun. Ducking phone calls and Facebook comments from friends and family was also not fun. Also, crying at work wasn't fun, but because I had a good friend to listen to me cry, it helped make the breakthrough that I needed (thanks Josh). So for the sanity of others around me and my own, I had to snap out of it. I went to church yesterday and sadly enough, I felt like a visitor. I hadn't been in two weeks, but it felt like two years. People looked different. The stage was set up differently. I hadn't seen a few friends in a while. Just weird! But I left the house (thanks D) and it felt good overall. Surprisingly, when I arrived home, I didn't want to run to my blanket and not come out again. I was ready to face the world today and I think I did a pretty good job.

Just last week I told you guys I was going to share the good days and bad days. The past week was full of bad days. Did I handle them like a Christian? Not all the way. My attitude and language could have been better. I still read the bible, but didn't follow what it said regarding the whole have joy thing, but I did try to find peace. It took a weekend of seclusion to find my peace and to learn how to breathe again. As a Christian, I'm not sure how to handle bad days and moments of life. Sometimes, I can float through the bad times and sometimes they hit me and I can't get up. All you can do it keep trying. I'm hoping that since I documented this bad time that I can go back to this post and it will help during the next time as far as what to do and not to do.

I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday - Life's Events

Hi all. I wasn't going to post anything today because truthfully, I'm not in the mood. Thankfully, a friend of mine sent me an email and mentioned at the end of it that he couldn't wait to read I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday. So you can all thank Lorans for this post. I also thought about how you're not always in the mood to do what God wants you to do. In fact, most of the time I think God is trippin out because some of my callings I never would have guess. Like this blog for instance! But I did have a scripture I picked out over the weekend for today, so here it is.

Proverbs 19:21 - You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail.

I will admit that I don't always like the outcome of this scripture (God's plan), but it's right. You can have all of the best laid plans in the world, but God's plan for your life overrules. Now, you can make your own decisions about your life. You do have freedom of choice. In fact, Joyce Meyers said last week, "You have the deciding vote in your life." However, once you've cast that vote, God can still take that decision and change the course that you thought you were on.

When I was a little girl, I told my family and some of my friends that I wanted to live in California. I'd never been there and still haven't, but I knew California was were I wanted to live based on the constant sunshine and other things I saw on TV. I wanted to be an actress and knew that California was where the movies are made. As a child, I didn't know anything about goal setting or making long-term plans, but I knew I wanted to live in California. I also thought about going to college there in my pre-teens. However, that changed. For one, I found out in my teens how expensive it was to live there. Also as a child, I didn't know anything about
'out-of-state tuition' and how much even a Community College would be out there. I also didn't have any family there that I could possibly live with or just assist me when I would move out there. Currently, I live in Ohio, so no, for those who don't know me, I didn't make it to California.

The reason I'm remembering this is because a friend asked me on Tuesday where I would want to live if I could pick anywhere. My first answer is the same as it was when I was seven, California. Folks, even with all of the world's facts and God's power, I know California is still an option for me. Unless it shuts down like a car plant, I know I can still move to California. Obviously, there are reasons beyond my knowing why my 6 month detour in Ohio has lasted seven years. I can't think of my life without some of the great people I've met here. I've had most of my career here and I've had and have amazing opportunities to learn. Also, my church home. I couldn't say in words how my church home has changed my life. I wouldn't been the person I am today without the great teachings and support system I've gained from my church home. The snow could go somewhere else though.

It's Ok if God's plan doesn't make sense. It's also Okay if you're first thought is to rebel against. I've met people that told me that God told them to quit jobs or ministries and at the time, it made no sense to them. But they did it anyway. I could have told my former employer no when they wanted me to come to Ohio, but I was so young and yearning for experience the thought never cross my mind. Although Ohio is a state away from PA, I knew nothing about it until I moved here. I knew the names of the sports teams, Drew Carey, and of course, WKRP in Cincinnati (loved that show and still know the theme song - singing it right now actually).

I'm not saying you can't have plans and make goals, but please know that the way that you get to from point A to point B God's going to have a hand in it. You may get to live out your dreams and I hope you do, but the way you get there may not be how you expect. I encourage you to pray about your plans and dreams and ask God for his counsel on how you can get there. Please keep me in your prayers. I'm kind of having a hard time with life right now and what God wants from me. I hit a deer with my car yesterday and I'm still a little shaken by it. I don't want to drive and I have to drive to work tomorrow. I'm still asking God why I live in city without a reliable public transportation system. I miss not having to drive. I miss walking. I feel really unhealthy living here because I don't have the luxury. I have to get in a car for everything that I need and that's crazy to me. Thanks for reading and praying. Please give me your thoughts on the scripture and share where you thought you'd live as a child and what you wanted to be when you grew up.

Happy One Month Anniversary, Christian Cleavage!

Hi everyone! Today, Christian Cleavage turns one-month old! Don't worry. I'm not going to be like a mother who tells people her baby is 17 weeks old or 28 weeks old and so on. I will refer to my blog in months thank you very much!

I am very grateful for everyone who has read my blog. The words of encouragement have been amazing and I am just blessed that God has used me in this way. As I told a number of people and also mentioned in a posting, I was tired of telling people I loved to write and not doing it. I decided to make my own writing career with this blog.

This blog is a great way for me to share my Christian walk with you. The good days. The terrible days. The interesting scriptures and how I interpret them. Never on this site do I say that I am a Subject Matter Expert. Nor am I studying to be in a higher ministry position. The only thing I am a Subject Matter Expert on is myself and how I interpret God's word. So please, question me. Read the bible and verify the scriptures I quote for yourself. If you must, disagree with me. BRING IT ON.

Today, I find myself having to follow my own advice. I found out I wasn't a finalist in the Writer's Digest Annual Contest. I'm disappointed in the news. I've tried to tell myself that almost 15,000 people submitted something and not everyone is going to win. But it still hurts. Now, I have to move on and dream a new dream. I have to give my heart something else to do (post 10-05-09). Writer's Digest has another fiction writing contest with a December 1st deadline. Now, my heart and laptop have something to do for the next month. Along with writing this blog and 8-5 job, my fingers and wrists are going to be very worn out. And I wouldn't have it any other way!

Thanks again readers for taking this journey with me. 1 Thessalonians 1:3 - We (I) always thank God for all of you and pray for you constantly.

Sick and Shut In

Hi all. Long time, no blogging. This week took a strange turn of events. On Wednesday, I started to feel extremely tired and by Friday, my nose began to run. Folks, Christian Cleavage is sick. I'm not sure if it is just sinuses or cold. I know it's not a flu. I think the change of weather and the rest I didn't get last weekend finally got to me.

So today, I stayed home from church and rested. I text messaged one of my friends and told her to put my name on the sick and shut in list at church. For those unfamiliar with the concept, some churches post in the bulletin a list of people that are sick, usually of things like cancer and other long term illnesses, and shut in, meaning in the hospital or in a nursing home. Well, I'm not that sick and I am not trying to make fun of people that are with my post title. However, I was sick today and I have been shut in to my home all day.

A few weeks ago I posted an entry called It's OK to be Tired. Today, I was at ease and OK with staying home from church. I knew I was tired and also not feeling 100%. Yes, I missed the fellowship with my friends. And yes, it would have been nice to hear the choir sing. But let me tel you. Being unconscious with my face buried in my pillow felt good too. Not 'I could do this every Sunday' good, but good just the same. I enjoyed my time at home today. I wish I would have gotten more accomplished, but I know the rest will benefit me in the long run.

A few years ago I was sick for about a month and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. My mom told me that maybe God made me sick because it was his way of slowing me down. Even since she told me that, I can't help, but think that may be the case whenever I get sick. I usually got sick when I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off, so God trying to slow me down via illness maybe the only way that I will do it.

The reason I am posting this is because I want you, like me , to learn what you're limits are and to make sure that you stop and rest when you realize you hit them. I have several deadlines at work right now and also in my personal life several projects I want to do. But I have to make sure that I take care of me first because if I don't, nothing will be accomplished in the manner that it should be.

I pray that all of you have a blessed and productive week. Keep in mind what I said and make sure you get your rest and relaxation because God has to give it to you (along with Kleenex and the best drugs Walgreen's has to offer)!

I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday - Guilt-Free Boundaries

Keeping with this week's guilt-free theme, I want to highlight a scripture that I agree with in terms of why this action might have taken place. I'm taking this scripture from a New Living Translation bible.

Exodus 24:2 - Only Moses is allowed to come near to the Lord. The others must not come near, and none of the other people are allowed to climb up the mountain with him.
In February, I began a 13-week course at church called Healthy Boundaries. During the first class, one woman asked if God had boundaries. One of the instructors said yes and that they would tell references of boundaries in the next class. Well, later that week, I read this scripture and it was like 'jackpot' in regards to the question asked in class. The next day I emailed the class teacher about the scripture so she could share it during the next time. I honestly still can't believe God's timing on that one! I mean we were just talking about God's possible boundaries and there it was in print for all to see.

I could see God being like a Customer Service Manager and telling the others, "What part of 'only Moses' didn't you understand?" Readers, please get this. God had boundaries! I know when I read this, it was a wake-up call for me because if God has to have boundaries, then why do I think I'm so special and don't need any! Well, I'm not and I do!

When I reviewed this scripture again for this blog entry, I now see it from two different angles. The first angle is that it reveals to me that you can't take everyone with you in your life. The purpose of your Christ walk is to be more like God and in this, your flesh should die daily. Meaning, you shouldn't be the same person before that you were after you were saved. Unfortunately, you are going outgrow some habits (which I discuss further in the Safe Environments post) and people. Not everyone is going to take this journey with you. In fact, people will make fun of you and call you crazy and unrealistic. In fact, while you're praying to God about giving you the strength to let them go, they may turn it around and drop you as a friend or relative instead! The more you grow, the more you'll realize it will only be for your good when this occurs. However, I know from experience it still hurts just the same.

The second angle I see in this scripture is you can let everyone know your business. This is hard for me because I want to tell all, all the time. Unfortunately, it took some heart breaking things and some friendships broken to occur for me to see that I need to quit sharing so much with others. You can't tell everyone everything, especially when it comes to your call/purpose and what God has told you about it. As I mentioned above, people are not always going to understand your purpose for doing anything that you're doing. People are usually unkind when you share certain things because:

• they can't handle it
• it's easier for some people to hate on you than to congratulate or support you
• they may steal your idea or concept and cheat you out of your promise
• they may have ulterior motives for wanting to know your business, like wanting to use it to gossip later
• they might have the 'why not me' mentality

It is Okay not answer someone's question about your life. Just say, 'I'd rather not say' or 'it's personal'. If someone has a problem with those statements, then obviously the relationship is not as deep as it seems because a true friend/relative should respect your privacy.

This scripture reappeared in my life because of things I am currently facing. For example, this blog. I have so many ideas for my blog and I know that God wants me to keep them to myself because of some of the reasons mentioned above. God wants me to pray about these ideas rather than tell them to inapproriate people because I cannot get my ideas accomplished in my own power. I already know a few people God is leading me to for assistance and I just hope more names come soon!!!

For both of the angles I mentioned in this post, the only words of wisdom I can give is pray hard and ask for discernment on people in your life and often. This scripture freed me so much because it made me feel validated for not sharing certain things with others. Moses was allowed to access God in the way that he could for a specific purpose and reason. God later told of the consequences of anyone who broke this boundary, which is another part of setting boundaries. Readers, not only do you have to communicate your boundaries with others, but you have to make your intentions clear when people cross the line. There needs to be consequences because you are special and worthy of being treated fairly and with respect.
Please share your thoughts on this scripture. As always, thanks for reading.

Guilt-Free Love

I heard a song on the Muzak system at work today. The lyrics of the song are:
"All I need is the air that I breathe and to love you. All I need is the air that I breathe, yes to love you."

My first thought was, "Jesus, I wish it were that simple!" If I could just be real for a moment, it is not easy to love people. In fact, some days it can take all of your strength (and air, according to that songwriter) to love someone. No one is exempt from this. Your best friend in the whole wide world, your mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, other Christians, co-worker - all of them will get on your last nerve from time to time. It may be unintentionally, but it was your last good nerve just the same and they managed to destroy it. If you're anything like me, you feel this tremendous amount of guilt for not loving them in those moment. You feel like the worst person alive because you can't stand the people who love you back.

As Christians, we are instructed to love others. Romans 12:9 states, "Don't just pretend to love other others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good." At first glance, this verse made me feel even worse because of the 'pretend' part. Sometimes I feel like I'm pretending my love for others, which I thought was OK to do only because of the saying, "Fake it until you make it." I thought if I faked my love for them eventually it would turn into real love...and that didn't happen at least for me. If you have a success story, please share. I thought about it and I would be terribly hurt if I found out one of my love ones was pretending to love me. That would be like finding out someone only dated me because of my looks or the amount of money I have. I don't need fake love and neither do the people around me. So what can we do in order not to fake love others? You can work on having guilt-free love for others.

I was driving back from Pittsburgh yesterday and the term, guilt-free love, came to me. Guilt-free love is loving someone and knowing that you have done everything you can for that person. It is loving them despite any harsh and/or unspoken feelings you have toward them. It's having a clear mind about the way you show your love to them and really being after someone's best interest. It is hard to love others when they are:

• Annoying
• Negative
• Never in your corner
• Misunderstand everything that you say
• Conceited
• Successful
• Lying or stealing from you
• Clearly displaying ulterior motives for being in your life.
  

Getting past these things and loving others is not easy. A few years ago it hit me that I had a lot of guilt about how I was loving and not loving the people in my life. At that time, I decided to do something about it. I started with one relationship. I thought of one person in my life I needed to love better and in this instance, really love them and stop pretending. I listed all of the things I felt guilty of in regards to the way that I loved them. In this relationship, we had a poor communication problem, so it was difficult to talk to them and we fought often. On my end, one of the reasons for the poor communication is because after a while, I hardly picked up the phone when they called. Some of the times it was intentional, but after a while, I knew what I was doing and felt how wrong it. My first challenge to myself was to begin picking up the phone when they called and sure enough, about a week after making this promise to God, I was tested. I'm happy to report I passed. It took more than one phone call to develop this relationship, but step one had to be accomplished first. I had to want to give them real love. Today, I talk this person when they call and also call them from time to time. But please understand, this took time. Please note that 90% of the testimonies I share with you are not over night successes.

The devil hates when people get along and have unity. He loves to turn our lives into a paternity suit episode of Maury Povich, complete with the chair throwing and someone running away crying. I'm learning to like it when the devil hates me because it means I am making better decisions and really loving others around me. Please pray about that one relationship in your life that you need to repair. I pray that you all can be the givers and recipients of guilt-free love.

A Full Heart (And Apparently a Full Schedule)

Greetings all! I hope everyone had a great week and got a lot of things accomplished. I had several things on my plate this week and the week is not over yet, so I didn't get the writing time that I wanted. I pray everyday that this blog is not fade for me and that I stick with it this season. It feels good when people ask me if I wrote something new lately and I can direct them toward this blog. Although I haven't made any comments myself, I want to thank everyone who has visited this site, became a Follower, and left a comment. I've read all them at least 10 times and I am praying for all of you. Please keep me accountable for filling this site with words that I get from God.

Today, I have a heart full of excitement and joy because I get to see my family this weekend. It is rare we are all in the same room, so it will be a treat. I pray for save travels, my niece to healing from her ear infections, and no drama-filledness! I want unity in the community, so God, please provide an environment where that occurs. I can't wait to see them.

I focused a lot on the heart this week, not just on this blog, but in my own life. It is important to take the time to examine your heart and find out what's in it and what should be in it. If you spring clean your home, you should do a spring(or fall) cleaning for your heart. I realized that there a few things that need to leave my heart and that I need to make more room for some of the things in it. I challenge all of you to take a heart inventory and pray about how to handle the findings. Take care and God bless!

I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday - Your Unique Heart

Hi everyone! Sorry I didn’t write yesterday. I had an idea, but I haven’t flushed it out yet. I’m hoping it will be my topic tomorrow. Today is Wednesday and you know what happens on Wednesday. This is where I share scriptures that I would agree with even if I wasn’t a Christian. I only have one for you today.

Proverbs 14:10 – Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can fully share its joy.
In the last post, I quoted Psalm 33:15 about God understanding everything in our hearts. Well, the thing you have to realize is that all of our hearts have different things in them. So what makes you happy may not make me happy. I may cry (or want to cry) when my favorite musical artist doesn’t win a Grammy Award and you may cry (or want to cry) when your favorite team loses a competition. Basically, we’re all wired differently. As much as you may be like one of your parents or a sibling, you are not them. This scripture is powerful because it reminds you that you can’t treat everyone exactly the same because you might not get the react you’d expect. Yes, as Christians, we are called to love one another, but you are going to love people differently.

If you’ve never read it or took the assessment, I recommend the book, The Five Love Languages (sorry, I’m blanking on the author). It lists and details the five love languages and you take an assessment to see what your love language is. This book not only helped me get to know how to love others based on their love language, but it helped me to get to know how I want and desire to be loved. This scripture also hints to the fact you are responsible for knowing how your heart works. You have to know yourself. The Bishop of my church once said, “You can’t know who you are without knowing who God is. You can’t know who God is until you know who you are.” By knowing who you are, you will know what kind of love to accept and what kind of love you can’t tolerate. This will also help you establish boundaries with others as well.

In other posts, I mentioned the importance of building relationships with other by listening to them. Once you know how your heart works, share that information with those close to you so that you can avoid any confusion or possible misunderstandings. If I know something offends you, then I’m not going to mention it and do that action (at least not intentionally).

This scripture is a huge wake-up call to me to learn more about the people I love so that our relationship can be stronger. I’m also praying that my heart can continue to learn to accept love that is of God and deny love that is not of God. I hope you continue to pray with me and for me as we all take this walk together. Please let me know your thoughts on the scripture.

Give Your Heart Something To Do

There are dozens of thoughts that occupy our mind on a daily basis. What I am going to eat for breakfast/lunch/dinner? How am I going to pay this bill? Did I remember to turn the curling iron off/stove/oven/iron/etc.? I can stand so-and-so and I wish they would go away. I'm never going to find a suitable mate!

If these thoughts are in your mind, what do you think is happening to your heart? Your heart and your mind go together like a pen and paper. If your mind is confused and not clear, then your heart is going to have the same emotions attached to it and that is not good. It's important to have a healthy heart. We all know that you can maintain a healthy heart with exercise and eating foods like Honey Nut Cheerios (at least that's what the box says). However, you can control how your heart works by the feelings that you store in it. Regular circumstances of life like the ones I mentioned in my questions above can easily make you discouraged. That's why you have to give yourself and your heart other things to focus on and otherwise do.

Here are some suggestions:

• Join a new ministry or organization
• Doing something athletic (basketball, running, fishing, football, etc.)
• Home projects like painting a room, building furniture, repairing something
• Reading
• Writing
• Painting
• Scrapbooking
• Starting a blog :^)

The itinerary life provides for you is not always going to be in your liking. Life's itinerary may be based on paying bills, raising children, caring for a parent or loved one, the lose of a job, going without _____ (you can fill in your own blank - mine would be a romantic relationship and having nearby relatives), etc. The parts of your itinerary that you can control is up to you. The point is to fill your life up with things that will give your heart something to do and feel other than bitterness and sadness.

One of my new favorite scriptures is Psalm 33:15 - "The Lord made our hearts, so he understands everything they do." It was comforting for me to read this because I know my heart makes stupid decisions sometimes. Decisions to be jealous or hate on friends and family. Decisions not to forgive and let the past be the past. Decisions to let the wrong people in and turn the right people away. Decisions to feel discourage and hopeless every passing year of my singleness. Ultimately, sometimes my heart doesn't have the sense God gave it. However, that's where faith has to come in. I have to tell myself often that God made a great big world for me to enjoy and there is more to life than the negative that I feel. There are good things and amazing adventures that I just need to be open to. When I remember this, I make the decision to give my heart, my mind, and my life something else to do. What else can you do with your life right now? What is your heart focusing on that it shouldn't? What gives your heart peace? I hope you can take time to answer those questions and once you discover it, go off and do whatever it is that can make your heart beat the way God intended it. I hope everyone has a blessed week and make sure you keep occupying your Internet's heart (Bookmarks/Favorites section) with my blog! :^)

Lights Camera Action...

My original title for this post was Losing Your Cool because of something that happened to me today. However, when I began to reflect on today's event it reminded me of something Christian are always told, which is to be careful of your actions because you never know who's watching. Words similar to that are all over the bible as well (when I find a scripture, I will put it in this post). You never know when someone may call you out for being a Christian because your behavior doesn't reflect it.

This morning I was talking with someone about a situation that had occurred between people we know and how I got the wrong end of the stick in the matter. I was telling someone how I truly felt about the matter and the next thing I know I'd upset myself and said a swear word in the process. After I said the word of choice, I covered my mouth and told the person sorry for speaking that way especially about a situation as petty as this. The person just laughed at me and said, 'and you're a Christian.' The only thing I could say was, 'I know'. I quickly made a joke and changed the subject, but that moment stayed with me all day. Just that quick I forgot I was a Christian and had a non-Christian point it out to me. Just that quick.

Today's event made me think of actors and actresses. When the director yells 'action', you have to immediately get into character and cannot break until the director yells 'cut'. Well today reminded me that being a Christian is a similar experience except there is no on or off button for it and God never yells cut. My Christianity has to be my life 24/7. My beliefs have to be my beliefs no matter where I go and my actions have to reflect those beliefs.

This being 'on' all the time wouldn't sound so hard if it wasn't for the bible being such a big book! If it were a pamphlet, I could probably memorize it and live by it with no problem. The bible, however, is like the script of a one-woman show on Broadway. It is just you and the living word and you have to know every word and there is no room for error. An actress in a one-woman show cannot blame the actors if she messes up because there are no other actors. You are accountable for the performance. Today and everyday, I am accountable to God and others know it. Needless to say, I felt and still feel ashamed of myself for such a public mess up, but it was a good lesson for me and I hope for you as well. Remember God in everything and keep him close. Although I listened to Christian music on the way to work, I didn't have on my full armor of God like I should have. I apparently left some important pieces at home like a muzzle.

When this event occurred, my first thought was to share it with you because I wanted you to see that you're not going to be a perfect Christian everyday. This blog is in no way a How To Manual from someone who knows 'how to' be a proper Christian. I just want you to learn from me. If you don't want to pick up the bible, I'll pick it up for you and share what I'm learning. Most importantly, if I make a mistake, I want to share it with you so if by chance you made the same mistake today you won't feel like the worst person in the world. That's not to excuse the behavior. Please pray and ask God to correct your mind and heart for the next time. But I want us to be able to lift each other in pray and how will you know what to pray for me if I only tell you the good stuff. I have had an issue with my language for a long time and I want to improve in this area. As a person who is truly sorry, I hope not to have a blog entry like this again, but if I do, it just means I wasn't on and that for some reason, I forgot that God's lights and camera are on my everyday and he watches every one of my actions.

I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday - Listening and Powerful People

This is the second installment of I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday! Yeah! For those new to the website, Wednesday is the day I share with you scripture that I found where me and God are total agreement on the topic. These scriptures I would agree with even if I wasn't a Christian or never read the bible. I have two for you today, which are from a New Living Translation bible.

Psalm 146:3 - Don't put your confidence in powerful people; there is no help for you there.
This scripture would have gotten an 'Amen' from me even before the recession. I don't mean to put down powerful people with this scripture reference. Some powerful people out there really do use their powers for good and not evil and can be trusted. However, believing every little thing they say is foolish. This is where your own wisdom and discernment have to kick in and make the decision whether to trust or not trust. The one reason I love this scripture is because a couple lines later it tells why you should be confident in the Lord versus people. In Psalm 146:5 it states, 'But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper, whose hope is in the Lord their God.' God is the ultimate helper and has all of the power, as I mentioned in an earlier post. I pray for God's confidence almost daily because the world is hard to face and I know my strength without him would easily get me knocked down. Let God direct you toward to the powerful people that can help you and have your back just as God would.

Proverbs 18:13 - Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.
Although I agree with this scripture, I don't always follow it. I'm the person that gets an email, looks for key words, and responses about 50% of the time. And of course, I have a 1,000 questions about it when really I could have finished the email and answered my own questions. Listening is one of most important skills you can possess. There are several resources and websites that talk about how to be a better listen. Being a Communication Major, the most helpful advice I can give you to improve in this area is to just shut up and hear the other person out. The only way to build a relationship is to get to know the person by...wait for it...wait for it...LISTENING TO THEM! I noticed I've been cutting people off alot lately, so if I do it to you, please tell me to shut up. I mean it. Just tell me, but for listening to you purposes only - not just because! I'll let you know when telling me to shut up starts to hurt my feeling, which should be the trigger for me not to cut you off anymore. I encourage you to tell the people in your life to put you on blast if you are guilty of this as well.

As always, let me know your thoughts on these scriptures. Have a great day!

Seasons Change

It's funny how it can be 72 degrees one day and then in the 50s a couple days later. Actually, it's not funny. It's just cold. I painted my toenails just two days ago only for them to know be covered by socks and tights. Yes, the seasons have changed and it seems like you don't have much time to get used to it. Along with the weather, I also thought about my own life in terms of the seasons. Different seasons in our lives require us to be changed and different people. Your life shouldn't look the same year after year. That's not to say you can't have some of the same foundations year after year. For instance, I've work for the same company for a few years now, but no two years at the company mirror each other. I'm learning and growing a little each year because of the change in projects and company initiatives.

Although certain things have stayed the same, I have changed since this time last year.
Around the time in September 2008, I:

• Was an active aspiring songwriter, writing songs almost weekly and had 15 songs with a copyright.
  
• Had a strong passion for my job every day I was there
  
• Had a short hair cut
  
• Had never cooked anything from scratch
• Had burgundy colored finger and toe nails
• Had a major crush on a guy and acted like a shy girl in high school about it.

Fast forward a year later to now. In September 2009, I:

• am praying that I won a national writing contest I entered in May
• Still like my job, but desire the passion back for it
  
• Have longer hair
• Have hot pink toe nails
• Don't have the crush anymore - instead have good friendship that probably allows me to be more myself than trying to be someone's girlfriend
• am almost done reading the bible
• am a blogger!
  

Every season is different in its own way. The reasons for the differences in seasons could be an increase/decrease in maturity, shift in priorities, or simply you were bored and wanted to do something else. I'm not sure if every change I've been through is of God. God may have liked my hair shorter or prefer me to keep writing songs although I feel I have nothing to write about. Most of my songs were about a new love and the optimism that brings because I thought I was in a season where I would experience a new love. Please don't misunderstand. I still want to write songs and sell the ones that I have, but I don't feel the need to make that my focus right now. In this season, I feel the need to share my experiences with my faith because I know there are others out there that may be confused about their Christian walk because well, it gets confusing!

The seasons changing outside should make you reflect on the past year and the changes you may have experienced. How has God blessed you? How has God challenged? How has God let you down? You can ask those questions. I do all the time. The important thing is to honest when answering those questions, which means possibly admitting fault and giving God an apology. Although the winter season to come makes it harder and less leisurely to drive, I don't mind the seasons changing. God states in numerous places in the bible about his ability to change the weather. I'll be honest. Sometimes I would skim some of those passages because they were boring to me, but now I see the bigger picture in them. If God can change the weather an instant, then he can change me in the same manner. I just have to be open and not afraid of a change in climate.

Safe Environments

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about how important it is as a Christian to keep yourself in safe environments. What do I mean by safe? In my mind, safe environments refer to places where you are not tempted to behave like the person you used to be before you met Christ.

One scripture that I feel relates to this topic is Isaiah 8:11, 'The Lord gives me a strong warning not to think like everyone else does.' It can be hard not to thing like others, especially in a place like your work environment where everyone is in agreement on something and because of the principles you follow in your own life you don't agree. For example, last year I went to party at my old boss's house. Everyone was drinking and I wasn't. One of my co-workers said, 'oh, that's right. Jennie doesn't drink.' The way she said it embarrassed me and upset me a little. Not wanting to start drama, I giggled a little at comment and then continued to drink my ginger ale. Being around my family it's the same thing. In my mind, drinking is not good for me, so I think they feel I judge them for drinking. I don't really. I just know what I can and can't handle.

Based on my past, I know what environments are not safe for me. I shouldn't be at clubs or bars or hanging out alone late at night with men. Is it easy to not go to these environments? Not always. Some nights I would like to go to clubs and bars and in fact, this year I went to bar to watch the UFC fights with a friend. The only thing that saved me in that environment was that the fight was showing in a big private room in the back where I didn't have to be affected by the actual club environment. The room was full of people just there to see the fight and I didn't feel pressured to do anything bad. In fact, I had two Sherry Temples that night and had a great time. I also miss the company of a man sometimes, even if I have no business with that man. Some of this just relates to the comfort in what is familiar. Joyce Meyers once talked about how to the right thing to do initially feels wrong, but you have to keep doing it until it feels right.

One way to ensure you will keep yourself in safe environments is to be around safe people. I could spend several blog entries explore this topic, but I'll keep it short for now. You have to be honest with your safe network of friends and family. If people know what experiences you come from, they will be least likely to take you to places that have nothing to do with your calling. I'm not saying tell them every little detail, but just enough where they know you are NOT the friend to take to the club. If you really want that person to be in your life, then tell them where you will go with them. For example, I told a friend once that I would like to go to breakfast/lunch/dinner, the mall, Barnes and Noble (my real home), and a few other places, but I won't be your 'club girlfriend'.

Taking yourself out of unsafe environments takes what I like to call Christian Guts. It's not easy to have guts enough to stand up for God and yourself. I know one time last year I failed at this and was in an unsafe environment were I didn't behave well. Although I've prayed and asked forgiveness, it still haunts me to this day because I know I will be tested again and need all the strength of God not to go back to that behavior. I encourage you to think about the unsafe environments in your life and pray about what direction you should take in regards to finding safe environments. Take care and God bless.

My Lack of a Shopping Gene

Let me break the one stereotype that not a lot of people are willing to talk about. In fact, I may get into the Guinness Book of World Records for this one. Hope you're sitting down. I hate shopping!!! Yes, I'm Christian and I hate something - put your issue with that in my Comments section! I don't like shopping specifically for clothes. Food and books I can make it without feel the walls are caving in on me. Today, I had to go clothes shopping. I desperately need new shoes. Shoes that I can wear to work and feel comfortable in, but also wear to church and other places. Since I don't like to shop, I want EVERYTHING that I buy to be multi-purpose.

Another reason I hate shopping is because it makes me miss home. My mom and I did almost everything together. On a day like today, we would either be shopping or laying around the house watching Lifetime or reality TV marathons. When shopping, I miss my big sisters too. They just know how to put things together. They take the time and read magazines and online articles and absorb what's hot and not. Even my 13-year old niece could teach me a thing or two. My two-year old niece has a pair of Uggs and starting wearing them weeks ago as if she lived in California and they were cool all year round. And you know what? On her, they were cool and she knows this at a young age. So if something in my family skipped a generation or a child, I was definitely me with the shopping gene.

I went out today in the rainy weather and attempted to shop. Although I came home with some things, it wasn't without a struggle. Does this look good on me? Will people at work think I'm fashion forward or backwards Betsy? I felt the worst anxiety today. I could have broken out in hives. How did I deal with the anxiety? Thanks to technology, I could bring my family with me. I took a picture of the shoes that I wanted to buy and sent it to them. My sister text me back before I left the store and told me they were a yes. I already wanted to buy them, but again, I haven't picked up a fashion magazine since my last hair appointment and that was all summer stuff so her input was appreciated. Thank God I got through the day and actually bought an entire outfit at a reasonable price...at least it's reasonable to me because since I don't shop and didn't want to be there, I would have paid anything to get out of that store! You can see the shoes for yourself at the end of this entry.

I hope you all are having a good weekend and getting your rest because Monday will be here before you know. I also hope that you will go to church tomorrow and get your praise on. If you don't have anything to praise about, then praise God that I got through my horrific experience today and also that I find another pair of shoes this time in brown. God bless and good night!