Re-Entering the Land of the Living

Hey all! I'm back. Not just to blogging, but back to my old self. Old self being the person I was about a week ago. Thanks for your prayers and support during this time. Praise God I am no longer sick. I think I had a sinus infection/cold. I also feel better about not winning the Writer's Digest writing contest - even though it would have been cool to at least place. Also, I am no longer sore from the deer hitting accident. I was only a two in a scale of 1-10 in regards to being sore, but I am healed just the same. Things in life knock you down (in the words of Keri), but the important things is to get up again (in the words of Donnie), but before I got up, I had my pity party. I hate to admit this, but sometimes it only takes one-two major events to set me off into pity partying. And I would say, in my own defense, that a sinus/cold thing that you can't shake and having a run-in with a live animal on a random Tuesday evening are major events!

The thing that I need you to understand, however, is that I throw really good pity parties and this past one was no exception. I made brownies, rented movies, read two fiction books, didn't think about exercise (couldn't anyway because of the heavy medications), brainstormed ideas for my next short story, and I also cleaned my closet and thoroughly dusted my bedroom. So it wasn't all play and no work. I had a blast! Mostly because I took time and rested and did what activities and tasks that I knew would help calm me down. The sad part was I alienated some close friends and family a little in the process and for that, I am sorry.

Overall, I think I just felt defeated by life. With the sickness, everything I tried didn't work and I had to go to the doctor to get a pill that I thought would work. So that's a $25 co-pay plus the $60 plus dollars in prescriptions. Hitting the deer (or the deer hitting me) was a scary event. I'm still a little shaken to drive my car because there are deer signs all over the place. Plus, the money that I have to pay for everything. And the contest...the contest! The only reason that was such a let down is because I took Beth Moore's words to heart. In her book, Believing God, she stated that God doesn't want us to pray just safe prayers. God wants to do the impossible. And my impossible task for God was having my short story or poem get picked out of thousands as the winner and it didn't happen. Not that I don't believe God or Beth Moore, it just didn't happen for what I wanted it to. So really, it was just a week of defeat and honestly, I didn't know how to handle it.

Let met semi take that back. I knew how to handle it, but I didn't want to. Jay-Z makes it sound cool to just brush your shoulders off when bad things happen. However, try brushing off pain (physical and mental), disappointment, and a shrinking bank account and credit card, then tell me how it worked for you. It also was ironic to me that the accident happened on the one month anniversary of Christian Cleavage. You don't think the devil is angry with me, do you? Not little old, understanding the bible for the first ever and tell others about it me??? So yeah, in hindsight I probably had all of these bad things coming, but being a strong person last week didn't sound fun. You know what was fun? Licking the brownie batter. Read a book in one sitting. Listening to the Sirius radio in the rent-a-car. Sleeping during the day like I was a scrub getting no love. Those things were fun.

Finding out I gained six pounds since my birthday during my $25 doctor visit was not fun. Ducking phone calls and Facebook comments from friends and family was also not fun. Also, crying at work wasn't fun, but because I had a good friend to listen to me cry, it helped make the breakthrough that I needed (thanks Josh). So for the sanity of others around me and my own, I had to snap out of it. I went to church yesterday and sadly enough, I felt like a visitor. I hadn't been in two weeks, but it felt like two years. People looked different. The stage was set up differently. I hadn't seen a few friends in a while. Just weird! But I left the house (thanks D) and it felt good overall. Surprisingly, when I arrived home, I didn't want to run to my blanket and not come out again. I was ready to face the world today and I think I did a pretty good job.

Just last week I told you guys I was going to share the good days and bad days. The past week was full of bad days. Did I handle them like a Christian? Not all the way. My attitude and language could have been better. I still read the bible, but didn't follow what it said regarding the whole have joy thing, but I did try to find peace. It took a weekend of seclusion to find my peace and to learn how to breathe again. As a Christian, I'm not sure how to handle bad days and moments of life. Sometimes, I can float through the bad times and sometimes they hit me and I can't get up. All you can do it keep trying. I'm hoping that since I documented this bad time that I can go back to this post and it will help during the next time as far as what to do and not to do.