I Thought It Was Just Me Thursday - Comfort Zone

I'm sure you've heard people say, 'don't look back'. I've found a few scriptures that actually agree with this same sentiment. It is important not to look back. In fact, it could actually lead to death, which was the case for Lot's wife who is the focus of this Thursday edition of I Thought It Was Just Me.

The setting was Sodom and the cast of characters included an angel, the Lord, Lot, his wife, and other family members. The Lord is about to destroy the city and he gives Lot and his family the opportunity to get out. As I am reading through the bible again this year, I didn't realize until this year how hesitant Lot was to leave as well. Genesis 19:16 states, "When Lot hesitated, the angels seized his hand and the hands of his wife and his daughters and rushed them safely outside of the city, for the Lord was merciful." Lot didn't want to leave either, but he gave into the angels and left anyway. His wife, however, still had reservations, which ultimately got the best of her and killed her.

Genesis 19:26 - But Lot's wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt.

When I've read this scripture in the past I thought, 'how dare she look back? Obviously the Lord was destroying the city for a reason and he was gracious enough to save you. In words of Fred Sanford, I thought Lot's wife was a 'big dummy' for looking back. Now, I read that scripture and realize how much sense it makes that she would look back. Lot's wife was looking back to her life and the things that she was used to. She probably loved her life. She probably was looking back at memories of her home, friends, lifestyle, hobbies, and well, her sense of self. Her comfortable life was being destroyed and inside, that was probably destroying her. She was comfortable.

I, like Lot's wife, love to be comfortable. I like going to places that make me feel comfortable. I open up to people who I feel comfortable around. I like to strip as soon as get home from anywhere and put on my comfortable clothes. Comfort. Comfort. Comfort. One thing you have to realize and Lot's wife died to realize is that what makes you feel comfortable is not always really comforting and a good situation for you. For example, have you ever been in an on-again, off-again relationship? Well, I was in one that lasted six years. You leave and then come back and then leave again just to come back in a few days or hours. It's craziness. But the reason I participated in six years of madness was because there was some sort of comfort with the other person. Although it was a dysfunctional comfort, it was a comfort just the same and well, why rock the boat.

Lot's wife was comfortable in her old life and by looking back she indicated that she didn't want to leave it. Over the past few months, I've realized how comfortable I will certain habits I've participated in for years. I shared in a past blog post about not always working out and doing it when I felt like it. Well, that was a habit - a habit of not caring and going on with life as it is with no regard for the future. As I approach turning 30, I know that I want my 30s to be different than my 20s, which means that my current comfort zone will have to be shaken up. Yes, I'm scared. Yes, I want to refuse to do some of the things I need to do to get to the next level. But as a praying Christian, I have to rely on those prayers and what God is saying through them. Some of my goals and dreams I'm not totally seeing. How am I going to pay for this or that? Where am I going to find the energy? What if I fail? I keep asking God these questions and he keeps wanting to show how he is God and can do anything. So that only leaves me one option - to step out of my comfort zone and into my faith in the Lord that serve.

I wish Lot's wife would have believed the Lord and not looked back. She may have had a life that she would have never imagined. Also, maybe her daughters wouldn't have taken the family's drama into their own hands and got pregnant by their father in the upcoming chapters. Yes, you read that right just in case you've never read that part of the bible. Go and read it for yourself. It's some hot mess! By telling you not to look back, I'm not saying you can't remember your past. Like a Pastor recently said on television, there's a way to look at your past differently where you can see the lessons and blessings from it. Yes, use your past as a teaching tool for yourself. I do it all the time. However, if you are so stuck in your past you can move into something God is calling you to do, then there's a problem.

When Christian Cleavage had Boyfriends...

Since I put Jesus' imaginary dating life on blast, I thought it would be only fair and holiday appropriate to put myself out there as well. I, Christian Cleavage, am a single woman. This is old news to those who know me, but to those of you who don't know anything about me, that is my marital status. I have been single with no real boyfriend for three years - I know right! For those of you who know me, you know that after my last break-up, my goal is to date smarter and wiser. However, it seems to some of the people I love that I have taken the option of not dating at all. And you know, they have a good point.

I was never really big on dating, per say. After being out there for the past few years, I realize I am of the old school when it comes to dating and relationships. See, I had a boyfriends, not 'friends' as society puts it now. I had a guys that called me their 'girlfriend', took me out on nice dates, took me home to meet their parents, brought me around their friends, and everyone knew my place. But the game has soooo changed. In fact, at least two men I wanted to have a relationship with over the past few years informed not long after meeting me that I would be a 'friend' and that they had other 'friends' - I know right! Now, instead of changing myself and turning to the new school, I am sticking to my old school ways. I liked being a girlfriend. I liked knowing that after spending hours and hours on the phone talking about anything and everything I would be the only woman you were doing that with. Let's not even go there about how people have multiple 'friends' in a sexual society. I don't even want to think about the whole 'you're sleeping with everyone they slept with' Planned Parenthood statement.

But I liked having a boyfriend. It was special to me. And no, I haven't given up. It will be special to me. When I gave my life to Christ for the 100th time a few years ago, I promised to be celibate until marriage and that when I met people, I would pray and pray hard for discernment and wisdom. Sometimes the prayers worked and sometimes my human side kicked in and I didn't listen to what God told me about certain people. Also, I've always had the habit of betting on long shots - meaning I'm the woman who tends to like challenges. I'm like a guy that way. Tupac said in I Get Around a line that best describes my dating history, "I don't want it if it's that easy." So the guy I should end up with is normally the guy I don't fall for. Not to say that I'm the woman that falls for jerks. Some of them have been, but I have dated nice guys that were just a little unattainable, mostly because of their life agendas and how they didn't match up with mine.

So where does that leave me today? Well, I just celebrated my fourth Valentine's Day without a boyfriend. And sadly, I thank God for the sinus infection that I got Friday that let me unconscious most of the weekend - I know right. Who thanks for that? Well, I did. Because even after all these years, it's still a little hard to be alone for the most romantic holiday of the year. But unlike years past, I didn't try to pump myself up like it was going to be a great day regardless. I didn't buy myself any special treats or clothing. Now, I know as a Christian, it's day that I should have just rested in God's love and treasured that. Not to short change it, but I would like to think I do that mostly everyday. In regards to romantic love, some days I think I that I am waiting for the impossible dream and get really impatient. But even in my impatience, I don't give in to just any man or relationship or 'friend'. If I believe God has the best for me, then I have to be patient enough to wait for it. So until that day, Valentine's Day will be just a day and hopefully one day for me, it will have meaning again and one day romantic love will mean something to and for me again.

If Jesus Had a Girlfriend...

I always thought Jesus deserved a girlfriend. Yeah, I know he's the purest thing that ever walked the land, but really God, how can you have the greatest story ever told and the lead character doesn't have a love interest? I know you can make the argument that humanity was the love of Jesus' life, but come on. He still deserved a girlfriend. I read rumors of Mary Magdalene being Jesus' girlfriend, but I don't want to think about her. I want to go to the land of make believe and give Jesus a boo.

Before we begin with his possible girlfriend, let's break down Jesus. He had a healthy foundation. He knew at a young age he was different and couldn't play stick ball or hangman on stone tablets like that other kids. He had to learn so that he could teach the world how to live one day. In fact, God was "very pleased" with him according to Luke 3:22. He began his ministry around the age of 30 and moved around a lot. I know this may sound like a deal breaker, but some women understand that if a man is not off fulfilling his purpose, he's going to be dead weight to you even if you have him close to home. He knew his purpose and understood the heavy job description that he had. He was never tempted by sin of any kind and this could be equated with him having healthy boundaries. He had only 12 men as his close friends and even had the discernment that one would betray him one day. Jesus would be a good catch for any woman. Sure, it would eventually end Ritchie Valens - Donna style because of his purpose, but it would be romance just the same and everyone deserves a little romance.

Now if the cliche of opposites attract holds true, Jesus' girlfriend might not be anything like him. In fact, I would go so far to say that it could be a Romeo and Juliet thing - maybe she'd be a relative, like a niece, of Satan or something. Yes, this is pushing it, but that's what imaginations are for. But since a lot of people in those times married relatives (either close or far removed), he would probably end up with one of those. But back to being opposites, maybe his girlfriend believed in God, but not enough to travel and spread the good news to the world. Jesus could have met her on one of his preaching engagements. Maybe her family provided a place for Jesus and disciples to rest in between travels. She could have made his dinner, prepared his linens, and then, out of nowhere, started a conversation with him that ended with them falling in love. It could happen. Maybe it did happen. Who knows. But I'm sure God has his reasons for Jesus' love story not looking like Hollywood produced it, but instead, God having him love the world.

Love, with all of its good intentions, can be a distraction. And when it goes sour, they don't call it a crush for nothing. Your heart could get crushed into a million pieces. And I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to hear Jesus preach after he got his heart broken. Women weren't thought of as much back then, so Jesus could have gotten petty and put that woman, although with all women, on blast in a sermon. Think about it. He spoke to large crowds, so his influence was great and it would be like customer service. If you get good service, you tell one-two people. But if you receive poor service, you tell and tell all. Jesus could have ruined a women's name and family all because she didn't want to take a walk and drink wine (which he made from water FYI) with him. It could have been ugly, but I still stick to my first paragraph. Jesus having a girlfriend could have been nice. You know why? Because of his character that's why.

I still believe Jesus would have died on the cross for all of us, especially since his boo would have been one of us. I heard a comedian once joke about doing things for love like going into a burning building or taking a bullet for a woman. Well, Jesus giving his life would have been the ultimate sacrifice and every man would have never heard the end of it from their wives after that potential act of bravery. Yes, Jesus would have been the best boyfriend ever and instead of cupid and his dumb arrow, there would be Jesus on the cross as the symbol of love. For Christians, that is already the symbol of love or at least it should be.

I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday - What Causes You to Sin?

Hello everyone! It's the revival of I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesdays. Today, I want to feature a scripture that I've read several times and never really thought much of. Based on recent prayers and events, I wanted to explore it in a blog entry.

Mark 5:30 - And if your hand - even your stronger hand - causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown in hell.

Now, as a teenager and even in my early 20s, I thought it was ridiculous to cut off your hand or any part of your body because you were doing the wrong thing. If I cut off my hand for sins, then how could I work or blog or eat hot wings? But I was thinking too literal about the verse. This verse really wants you to explore your everyday patterns and see what in them is making you not be the man/woman of God you need to be. What is causing you not to have your full armor of God on and simply sin.

Although I don't want to cut off any parts of my body, I know several ways that I sin using four parts of my body.
Eyes - I've used my eyes for lust as the previous verse mentions, but not just in the area of sex. I've felt lust over other people's dreams or careers, possessions, and love lives. As mentioned in other blogs, I struggle with single woman's lust, especially since my past dictates that I am no angel in the sex area. Once you've sampled and bitten that apple, it's hard not to think of it, but I know from talking to virgins that sometimes they feel they have it worse.

Hands - Being anxious and impatient and doing things unauthorized by God. Also, using my hands to type harsh words or gossip about others.

Mouth - OMG! This one could take all day! I'll sum it up by admitting to not thinking before I speak and saying my first thoughts without thinking of the consequences. This has resulted in saying "sorry" or "my bad" on more occasions than I'd like to admit.

Legs - Knowing the right thing to do and choosing the wrong thing. Your legs always know when you are going to do something bad. It's like for those few moments they take over as your brain and before you know it you're hopping into bed with men or going to the burger place instead of the gym and you're shaking your head later like fool.

What can I do (or you do) about the things that cause us to sin? Literally chopping off my body parts is not an option (sorry New Testament, but I think there is a better way). One thing you can do is clear your path and cut activities or temptations that will cause you to sin. One thing I had to check myself on recently is the amount of R-Rated shows and movies that I watch. Sure, some of these shows and movies are great entertainment, but for myself, I know exposing myself in large amounts is not good. So I hope to decrease the R-Rated viewing this year - not get rid of entirely because baby steps are necessary.

As Christians, one of the best things you can do is pray about the areas of sin. Joyce Meyers recommends that your bible reading and study should focus on what you struggle with. If you find numerous areas of sin like myself, then just pick one and focus on that for a month or so. Praying is a wonderful thing. The best part about prayer to me is closing my eyes. For years I thought it didn't count unless I closed my eyes. There's something about closing my eyes that helps me regroup and focus. It helps when dealing with sin to close your eyes for a moment and really think about why this sin exists in your life. It could be genetic. It could be a stronghold you've had for years. It could be something you saw someone else do, it looked cool, and now not only is it not cool, but it's destroying your life so much so that maybe you thought about cutting off your hand.

The next time you pray, close your eyes, but before you start praying, think about how God sees you and your life. He thinks your wonderful and way better than the sin that's in your life. He thinks your an overcomer and the head and not the tail. Once you have God's thoughts in your head, begin to pray about them and about your area of struggle and be honest. Sometimes I didn't know what God thought of me, especially in times of sin. But when I took the sin out of the equation and thought of God first, I discovered all of the wonderful things he thought about me and it made it easier to pray to him because let's face it. When you're in sin, you don't want to go to him, but in reality, he should be the first person you call.

I hope this post helped you think about your own areas of sin. I think that God wants more of us and he realizes that before we can do more, we need to think more of ourselves.

Black, White, and Everything in Between

The Bishop of my church made a good point yesterday about Martin Luther King, Jr. Most people only know Dr. King's 'I Have a Dream' speech. The truth is he had several speeches that were just as good as that one and expressed the movement in better words. When Bishop said that, I thought about memories. It's common to only remember one thing or aspect about a person. Although it's nice to be able to remember at least one thing about a person, it's not always the smartest things to do. Where it gets danger is when you judge that person on only that one thing when you know you've seen multiple sides of them.

For example, you may have a favorite relative and hence, only have good thoughts of that person. If you were brave enough to flip the coin, maybe that relative was good to you, but you saw them be mean or nasty to others. The opposite of that example would be having a relative that just did you dirty and in that instance, you only see bad. However, maybe in small ways they've been trying to make up for that bad experience, but you being you, still want to remember them for that one time and not the possible good times you could have if you just chose to forgive and forget.

There are many sides to people and if you're blessed and they are someone you truly love, you may get to see various sides. I can honestly say that the people closest to me have seen me at my worst and best and everything in between. And although I often feel foolish and embarrassed about the worst moments, I'm glad they saw them because I want them to know the real me. I have good tendencies and not so good tendencies and how can we be really close if you never got to see some of each.

People sometimes want to put you in a bubble and depending on the situation, the bubble might be the best place to live. However, if you are always placing people inside certain bubble, how are they going to breathe? When are they ever going to get to show you the different sides of them? Talents are one area where once someone finds out you can do something, that's all they want you to do. Little do they know you have multiple talents and abilities. It's important that you give other people the chance to show you more about them and also that you show more of yourself to others.

Unfortunately, I had to work today. If I would have had the day off, I can't say that I would have done anything that Dr. King would be proud of. I only know that today I got to go to a job where I got a wear many hats in the span of eight hours. Today, my talents weren't totally wasted; I was a writer, a graphic designer, a customer service rep, a researcher, a friend, and an Excel princess. Think about all of the different people you get to be in one day. Do you like those 'people'? Is there more you want to share? Well, if so, good news. You have tomorrow to show those sides of you; the black, white, and everything in between.

I Thought It Was Just Me - Quit Being an Idiot

Based on my reading of the entire bible year, it was quite amusing to see how many times God was blunt with us on his stance on things. He was very honest. One of my favorite parts and one I would like to focus on in an upcoming blog post is when he says, "I'm sick of saving you." I can't remember off hand where that is, but it was very refreshing to read because people act like God's always going to come to you like a superhero when really he's tired of being your Superman. He ultimately wants us to be our own Superman and make the right decisions the first time. Today's scripture backs up that perspective of my reading of the bible.

Proverbs 1:22-23 - How long, you simpletons, will you insist on being simpleminded? How long will you mockers relish your mocking? How long will you fools hate knowledge? Come and listen to my counsel. I'll share my heart with you and make you wise.

My initial title for this blog was "How long?", but based on God's direct to be blunt, I decided on "Quit Being an Idiot". I think that title is appropriate based on the scripture making it plan and calling people simpletons and fools. As Christians, we are told it's foolish to call yourself a believer and not listen to God. It defeats the purpose of having God in your life. If you really want to follow your own instruction, then stop going to church, stopping reading the bible, and write your own. Have your own services starring you, directed by you, and produced by you. And don't forget the original score by you!

This year I have been a stereotypical American because I have made personal goals and promises to myself that I want to follow going into this new year and to date, I'm on track for a few of them. Two things that I didn't mention in the 'Unfinished Business' blog entry are working out more and eating more at home/brown bagging my lunch for work more often...like every day with a few exceptions like group lunches or special occasions with workplace friends. And so far, I'm good. Keep in mind it's only been three days of really trying, but I applaud myself for the three days just the same. The reasons for both of these goals is simple - I want to quit being an idiot.

In regards to working out more, I realized last week that I am turning 30 this year. Yes, it's true! With this realization, I remembered how people tell it's harder to lose weight and get back in shape as you get older and that you should get a routine or workout mentality the younger you are. As a stereotypical American, I brushed this off in my 20s and worked out when I wanted to (or when I felt fat). As soon as that fat moment left me, I stopped working out. Well, I realized over this last holiday of grubbing that I'm not getting any younger and that I need to really take those words to heart. As a result, I am working out more (day 4 mind you) and really focusing on not being an idiot about my health anymore and relishing in my always skinny body because it really does stick more as the years go on.

Regards to eating at home more and brown-bagging, I'm realizing just in three days how much money I saved and also how much healthier I feel knowing where my food came from. Also, some of the vending machine things I love like pretzels and chips and how buying the big bags for home and packaging them for work everyday saved money and time. I'm going back to basics I followed a few years and really bargain shopping and making myself responsible for grocery budget. On Saturday, I went to two different grocery stores because my favorite foods were on sale at both places. I like to eat what I like to eat so buying substitutes doesn't work for me, but by looking closer at the ads, I found my favorites really cheap and all I had to do was take the time to travel and get them. I really did save a lot of money when I looked at the receipts later. By brown-bagging, I'll have more money to do entertainment activities when friends call instead of saying no because I ate at Panera Bread three days in a row.

These are just two examples of where I want to quit being an idiot and follow God's instruction in regards to healthy living and how to properly spend money. If God gives you the knowledge that something needs to change or that there is a better way of doing something in your life, follow it. Who knows your life better than God? Listen to what he tells you and shows you. Remember that God will use people most often to show you things. Based on the budgeting knowledge I got from a Pastor and him just asking me questions about my spending habits, I was able to see where my money was going. He offered tips on better habits with money, like the grocery shopping tips and brown-bagging suggestion. When I thought about it, it was a big 'duh', but having him point in the right direction really helped. So reach out to others God puts in your path - and he will put people in your path - so that you can be your way from being a simpleton to expert on living your own life.

Seven Year Itch

I occurred to me the other day that this month marks my seventh year of living in Akron, OH. Wow! Seven years! Tomorrow is my fifth anniversary with my current company. Wow! Five years! I can't believe I've worked at the same place for five years. Thankfully, I've switched positions twice so I am not doing the same exact work, although some of my projects I've had for a few years too long. I just knew I was going to be one of those switch companies every two years people. I was only at my first real job for two years and I've actually had two position at my current company. And I switched positions after - you guessed it - almost two and a half years. So I guess I'm on track, but going to the same building everyday for this long is a bit of drag even though I like the work that I do and the people I work with. We all have a respect for one another and we laugh a lot which is important to me. I also get to use my signature strength, as it is referred to in the book Hard Optimism. My signature strength is public speaking and I get to do that on an almost weekly basis.

But back to living in Akron for seven years now. If you've never seen the movie or heard of the seven year itch concept, it refer to people who after seven years start to re-evaluate their relationship. If you're married for seven years, for example, you might begin to think about infidelity or just leaving your spouse for the possibility of something better. Nowadays, it seems like in regards to marriage it's more like a three-five year itch! Well, for the past few months, I have had the seven year itch for this city and also my life in it. I wake up at least two mornings per week and ask myself, "what in the hell are we still doing here?" I talked with someone today who plans to move to New Zealand in two years - and their not a New Zealander (if that's the term). I also have a friend who is planning to move down south and working with a head hunter to get employment there. Why don't I set goals for myself like that? Is it lack of motivation or simply I'm not sure where I want to go. I don't want to live in the cities with my family (not because of them - I just don't like the cities). But then I will be the first to say, "I have no family here and that sucks."

So I'm not sure where I belong. I have no clue. All I know is that I've been living the same life here for at least the past three years and some parts of it are not working for me. I love my church and my ministry involvements. Today, I had a Leadership Meeting in the morning and I went bowling with one of my ministries this afternoon. But now what I am doing? I just got home from the Blockbuster and now I'm writing for the next ten or so minutes and then making dinner, watching my movie, and then probably falling asleep on the couch. And sadly, this has been my Saturday or Friday night life for the past few years. If not a movie, maybe a good book. Wow, it's really sad when I type it. SO there - and I can do this anywhere.

It's just lame. And before you suggest it, I don't like want the club or bar life again...maybe just one-two times a year but not as a constant thing! And I do have some nights with my girls, but they are few and far between. Some of my friends are coupled up now and I'm happy for them, but the girls night sometimes end up being the girl night starring me!

I don't know. I'm just restless. So I'm starting this year praying almost daily for God to do something extraordinary in my life. Two years ago I prayed a similar prayer and my life was truly changed for the better. But now, it's time to bump it up a notch and have more and do more. I know it will require a lot of movement on my part, so I have to be prepared for that.
I just do want to get comfortable when really have nothing warm and fluffy and well, truly comfortable to fall back on. So as much as I could rejoice over the fact that I love certain aspects of my life (like my church) and appreciate some of the things I've learned here (like how to drive safely and patiently in crazy Northeast Ohio weather, I need something else to happen to me this year. Anniversaries are usually good things and not to poop on the past seven years, but I think it's time for something different. Lord, please help me figure this out and if it's your will, I'll stay, but if you want me to move, please provide the way. Please keep me in your prayers and let me know what I can pray for for you. Thanks and have a good one!

Unfinished Business

After getting my graduate degree in Couch Potato over the past four days, today I have to face the world and go back to work. Everyone around me is in the process or just completed writing out goals for themselves for 2010. I think goals are a great idea. After all, you can't always do what you've always done. But I really don't want to write my goals or resolutions because I know my life is different. Instead of having goals, what I have in my life are things I call unfinished business.

You see over the past few years I've set a goal for myself or by the grace of God, discovered some new thing or talent I have and just hopped on that temporarily. So in my case, I have a pile of projects I've started and haven't quite made it to the mountaintop on. So I have unfinished business. Some of these things have to do with my character. Some of them have to do with my talent. Some of them have to do with fattening my pocket. All of them, however, have to do with me getting out of my comfort zone (which I didn't think I had) and do something more with my life.

My list of unfinished business may seem long, but if I truly give myself 12 months to complete them, it won't seem that bad. In fact, if you're trying to focus on more than 10 goals (or unfinished businesses), then, in the words of my friend Gwen, you're doing a lot. Actually, if you split them up by quarter, that may help if you have a lot you want to accomplish.

Character:

• No more swearing! I mean it this year! I want a clean mouth to go along with my cleaner heart. There is another way to say things that will still bring my empathesis and point home. I just have to find it!
• Making more time for friends and family by more trips to Pittsburgh and other locations to see people I need to reconnect with
• Be more honest. 2009 was a big year for me because I began to speak up for myself more at work and other areas. There are a few times I didn't and I can see the difference in how other people began to treat me and how I treated myself . I pray 2010 I can take that to the next level and tell people with candor when I'm bothered or upset by their words and actions.
• Remembering God is watching EVERYTHING that I do

Talent/Making the pockets more fat:

• Writing, Writing, Writing!
• Finishing the book - caring so much about what happens to Alyssa (the main character) that I eat, sleep, and breathe her this year. In fact, I may get a t-shirt printed with the name, Alyssa, on it.
• Blogging more often
• Making money off of this blog (pockets fattening)
• Look for freelance / writing contest opportunities
• Pimp my songs to whoever will listen to them - you never know who people know

One category that is more of a wish list than a goal is my love life. I have some unfinished business there. Mostly, I would like to open a love life business for myself. Last year, I fell into old patterns in regards to love. Things I promised I'd never go for or go through again. Although there was fun and good times and my heart never felt so alive, for reasons I can't go into, it wasn't the genuine article and because of the lack of a real relationship, I wasn't able to fall in love like I would have liked. It hit me last month that I have never been in love with someone who worshipped me. Someone who was just so grateful to be in my presence that they were willing to do anything to stay there. No, I'm not aiming for a Jesus complex. Just the love that I desire and also the love I desire to give someone else (minus the shrine and a cross with their face on it). I know I am able to give unconditional love to a man. I just need to continue with my patience and be willing to receive it.

Well, those are my unfinished business areas. I may add more things to this blog post during the year. I will write these things in more specifics outside of this blog. Because you need to have tasks to go along with your goals. The 'how' of how you will achieve these things. I look forward to learning what you are working on in 2010, so please drop me a line in the Comments. Take care!

Family - Making Memories and Having Great Flashbacks

Hi everyone! Happy New Year! I took a break from blogging during Christmas because I wanted to give my undivided attention to my work deadlines and my family. I had a blast at Christmas. Along with seeing my parents, it was the first time me and my siblings and all of their kids were together in years. We laughed a lot and just created great memories. I wasn't Christian Cleavage...it was aunt, daughter, and sister - roles I sometimes forget about because of my physical distance from my family.

I wish I could play those roles more often, especially the aunt role so that my sister with the two babies can get a break and because my older nieces teach me so much and manage to keep me 'cool'. For example, at Thanksgiving, my 13 year-old niece and mother convinced me to buy a pair of Dereon jean. Now, before you go, 'why did you need to be convinced?' , let me explain. We were at Marshall's and I bought the jeans into the dressing room for my 13 year-old niece from the JUNIORS section. When she tried them on, they were too big. All of a sudden my mother said, "Jen, they may fit you. Try them on." I did and well, the rest is history. Last night, I went to church and brought in the New Year in pants I never would have bought myself, looking like the missing Kardashian sister because I partnered them with black, tall boots because in the words of my sister, I have hips for days! I looked awesome if I do say so myself. Thanks for the great advice.

At Christmas, I got to relive my childhood in more than one way. My sister and brother-in-law had an extra ticket for Disney on Ice. I had never been to one before. When first approached about going, I laughed and that it would lame. Oh, did I eat my words! That was the best experience of my life! OMG! It was so fun and excited. Disney left no stone unturned when it came to Disney characters. Everyone was there! My nieces enjoyed it, especially the 10-month old. She danced throughout most of it and barely took her eyes off stage. My three-year old niece liked it, but in a 'watching it as if it was on TV' kind of way. She was more into it when Donald Duck was on and when my brother-in-law got her a tub of popcorn. He was jammin too and my sister almost lost it when Tinkerbell ended the show.

Being there with them also reminded me of childhood for another reason. When my sister was a teenager, she'd have to take me out with her on some of her dates because she was also my babysitter. Since I am from the dying age of 'child being seen and not heard', I'd go and basically be a fly on the way. Her dates never seemed to might (at least they did express it to me) and they were always really nice. My sister at times would try to include me in the conversation and her dates attempted too. I remember sitting in the back of the car and just listening and sometimes laughing as they talked. She would even look back at me occasionally to make sure I was ok. The night of Disney on Ice I sat in the back of their SUV in the middle of the girls as my brother-in-law drove and sis rode shotgun. As we drove home, I had this memory of being the third wheel on her dates and how sitting in the back that night felt so familiar. Only my sister wasn't on a date, she was in her real life. Instead of bobbing her head to the radio station, Wamo, in the car, she was listening to 99.9 and making small talk with her husband not boyfriend. She peaked her head back several times to check on her children. When I looked to the left and right of me in that backseat, I saw my sister's nose, smile, eyes, and a few of her characteristics. It was one of the few moments in my single life where I didn't mind not having a family of my own because it would have meant missing out on seeing for myself how God can turn a great older sister into a great mom. I also thought maybe, just maybe I was her practice child and there was a method to God's madness of her being my older sister and having to be responsible for me all of those years.

Overall, it was a great holiday. I got great presents and I was in the presence of great people who looked like me, sounded like me, and had the biggest hand in making me me! I hope the new year brings more family memories.

Confessions from Bed-Side Baptist

I, Christian Cleavage/JRE, stayed home from church today. I know. I know. THE SHAME! This blog is about my relationship with God and one of my foundations of our relationship is going to church and worshipping with other believers and today....well, it didn't happen. I can't even blame sickness for my M.I.A. from church. After a busy weekend, I was tired and couldn't find the energy to go.

For those of you who don't go to church and normally stay home on Sunday, let me paint you a picture of how it feels for a regular attendee, like myself, to purposely miss church. Staying home from church reminds me of:
1) Faking sick to your parents to stay home from school because you had a test you didn't study for
2) Calling off from your job and making sure that you fake cough at least twice and channel your inner Dionne Warwick to get just the right 'sick voice' so that he/she won't need a medical excuse
AND THE BEST AND WORST WAY TO DESCRIBE IT:
3) The scene in Risky Business where Tom Cruise slides across the floor in his underwear and sock and does the world's most famous happy dance because he's got the house to himself and he's a couple scenes away from having sex on a subway.

Now, before you go anointing oiling me down. The only reason I danced like Tom (in my head) was because I was tired and it was nice not to have to wake up early. Instead of having to wake up and go to church hungry and not eat until the ungodly hour of 1pmish, I got to wake at my leisure, take a long, hot shower and deep condition my hair, and make a big breakfast with a slide of Dunkin Donuts home coffee. Yum! Today, I had church Ray Charles style. If you saw Ray, there was a scene where he was reading the bible in a hotel room with gospel music in the background..and he told the Record Exec he was 'havin church'. Minus the music, tonight I did the same thing.

I smile as I type all of this because on a resting tip, today was a beautiful day. Did I miss my friends? Yes. Did I miss the music and worship? Of course. Will I look forward to the people in my life who do everything but put up Missing Posters because they did see me today and will not see me next week because I'll be out of town with family? Yes, I look forward to that. I used to hate it, but as I get older, I realize how important it is to be missed and thought about then not even mentioned. But since I know me and I know how many times I've attended church tired or hungry, I know that today is not the end all, be all of my Christian journey. Some believers think it is and may be there's right. But if God really loves a cheerful giver and appreciate genuine praise, then mine would not have satisfied him and therefore, I think I can rest tonight for missing a day.

I pray that this holiday isn't driving you crazy and that you remember what this time is really about.

I Feel Like It's Just Me - Following God's Commands

I made a sad realization last week. Not sad, sad, but more of a good news-bad news realization. The good news is that I'm almost done reading my One Year Bible. Yeah! The bad-sad news is that although I am understand God's word more, I'm missing the application part. In other words, I don't think I've done much with God's word this year but read it. I know what you're thinking, especially the people that regularly read my blog. Those people tell me I am too hard on myself and that I need to give myself credit for small victories. And this is true. However, lately, my application and understanding don't seem to match.

In my defense, it's hard to follow God's command. Some days it seems outright impossible. Think about it. I remember reading in Romans about sexual desires and lust and how you need to control your thoughts so you don't act out on them. Okay, that's all good...until you see an attractive person in a mall that even days later you can't get out of your mind. Or if you see a hot sex scene on tv that either takes you back to a time in your life when you had hot sex or makes you desire a sexual experience you've never had. Also, the various passages about greed. Mostly, they refer to money, but what about greed when it comes to eating. I'll admit I'm a 'eat the last cookie in the cookie jar' girl or 'let's see how much of this medium pizza I can eat by myself' girl. And don't get me to talking about greed with my own time. You know those nights you don't answer the phone even when the person's name on the caller ID brings up good feelings and memories. Or a resume you've had for weeks that you are procrastinating because you realized after you took the resume how much you hate doing resumes and also that you have no clue how the resume game has changed (sorry April - you'll get something before the new year). My favorite activity of the month has been zoning off into space. It reminds me of when I see babies not touching or playing with anything and then they suddenly laughing for no reason at all. Zoning out is my miscellaneous baby laugh.

On Wednesdays, I figure a scripture that I agree with. Well, this Wednesday I wanted to use scriptures that has been convicting me even seen I read them weeks ago.
Psalm 119:18 - Open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in your instructions.
Psalm 119:73 - You made me; you created me. Now give me the sense to follow your commands.

Actually, haunting me would be a better way to describe how these scriptures have affected my life. Upon first reading them, I wondered why they were even in the bible, especially since a big thing I hear in the church is that God doesn't always tell you the 'why' when he gives us direction or speaks to you. But I think these scriptures, especially the first one, indicate that he doesn't want us to just follow him blind. The 'wonderful truths' and 'sense' are him wanting us to understanding why he feels a certain way about a subject or situation. When you read it carefully, the bible gives explanations as to why things like virginity and the Sabbath (just to name a few) should be treasured and why things like having sex with relatives and barnyard animals are wrong. But even with it's explanation, I'm still haunted. I'm still confused and I'm still wanting to dance to the beat of my own drum on certain matters.

My constant prayer since they've entered my life is that I can follow God's commands. I pray that as begin to understand the 'wonderful truths', I can live out God's commands. Let me know your thoughts on these scriptures and how you're doing as far as following God's commands. Sorry for the week long absence from writing. I felt that if I wasn't living by the commans I didn't deserve to write about them. I know that's not what God wants so forgive me for not sharing every part of the journey.

I'm Sober...Oh So Sober

Just getting home from work, I have a unique wish. I wish I were one of those people who drinks wine. Not one of those know-it-all wine drinkers or an alcoholic wine drinker, but just a regular person who comes home to a single glass of wine to relax. I don't drink and even for one day I can't really allow myself to become a wine drinker because well, I'm not a big fan of wine. Instead of wine, I'll be in the sober corner with my coffee, day old popcorn, and Raisinets.

In the title, I write that I'm sober, but not just in the non-alcoholic sense. If you're a Christian, maybe you can relate to the type of day/time in my life that I'm having. When I say I'm sober, I mean that I've woken up and remembered today very clearly who I'm living for. Lately, I've had several days and moments where I forget that my life is not my life. It's God. I have to live out the purpose he has for me, not the one I really want to give myself. I'm sober today because it hit me that the things that are making me happy aren't what makes God happy. I'm sober now and realize that although I can write the book on my own life, it doesn't mean that things will turn out the way I wrote them in the book. Instead, God can publish his version of my book and depending on how I act, it can either be a best seller or on the bargain table as soon as it hits the stores.

Although I'll thank him tomorrow, I don't like being this sober. God is not a God of confusion, so being sober is necessary and with it, I am no longer confused. I know what I have to do. It means things in my life have to change and they are going to be painful changes. These changes are going to change the way that I think and feel. They're going to change my smile. In fact, I may not smile for a few days when the change occurs. But I'll make God happy and isn't that what this Christian journey is all about.

Field Trip!

Today, I got to relive one of the best elements of childhood....I went on a field trip! At my church, I'm a member of a Sunday School class called Creative Class. The name and ministry is based on the book Creative Call by Janice Elmsheimer. The book discusses how important it is to use the creative gifts God gives you and that if you once did something like write or draw, you should begin to do it again because you're wasting your talent by not doing it. I'm blessed to be in a class with very creative people that do things like, writing, drawing, painting, sculpting, tennis instructors, jewelry makers, musicians, organizers, business professionals, photographers, graphic designers, videographers, and other bloggers just to name a few. Well today, we decided to take our class out of the classroom. All of us went to the 8 a.m. service and then went out for breakfast together and then the Akron Art Museum. The Akron Art Museum is free on the first Sunday of the month, so it was a perfect opportunity for people like me to see it for the first time.

It is always nice to see people out of the church setting because you can see them with their hair down and having fun. The most touching thing about the trip was the featured exhibit by an artist named Chuck Close. He is famous for painting and designing photo-like portraits of people. The thing that fascinated me the most about him was the fact that he had some many obstacles to overcome like being paralyzing and various learning disabilities. I love the fact that he didn't treat those things as obstacles. He knew who he was and that was an artist and that as long as he had that, he could make it through anything. I've often prayed to God for something that no matter what happened to me could help get me through anything. Something to do that would get me up in the morning. Something to keep me strong and hardworking. God often answers that prayer by putting me in positions where I can use my gifts of writing or public speaking so that I do have a reason breathing in and out everyday.

Another fun aspect of the museum is the arts and crafts opportunities that they often on the first Sunday. Today for the first time ever, I made a gingerbread house. I normally try to stay away from anything that involves me using my hands in a crafty way, but of course, on field trip today, anything goes. I made what started off as a gingerbread house and ended up being a Reindeer 'dog' gingerbread house (thanks Jacqui for the name) because it fell a few times. When it fell for the last time, all I could say was, 'I'll stick to writing.' Although I said that jokingly, the activity really confirmed for me how lost I can be having to create with anything that isn't a pen or paper or computer or even the keypad on my cellphone. But I had fun and with a group like my class that's all that matters. I haven't thanked God for my Creative Call class in a way, so let me publicly do it now. Creative Call, thank you so much for being in my life and blessing me with your friendships, love, support, and your creativity. I love you guys.

As I promised on the field trip, here are pictures of my Reindeer 'dog' gingerbread house.

You Know Better

Whenever I get to sections of the bible where it seems to repeat itself, I think my childhood. I remember how it seemed that my parents would say the same things over and over again. 'Don't do this'...'don't forget to do that'...and my favorite, 'now, you know better than that.'

In my past few bible reads, I keep getting the same message, You Know Better, through a few scriptures I've seen. The scripture that sticks out for today is James 4:17 - Remember, it is a sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it. Pretty common sense, right? Even Spike Lee knew to do the right thing. So why can't we get this right? Better yet, why can't I get it right?

There are situations that have recently occurred where I knew the right thing to do and didn't do it. It wasn't anything Earth-shattering or Lifetime movie/Snapped worthy or anything where my 'Christian card' should be taken away from me. Sometimes it's those little decisions throughout the day that can really show us who we are. I know within the past month I have no always done the right thing.

I can use every Christian excuse in the book if I wanted to. For example, I could say:

• I haven't been reading my word on a daily, so I don't feel my closeness with God, so I felt it was Ok to ask like I never knew him.
• I just sinned this time. Does it really matter?
• I paid my tithes. Does it really matter?
  
• I didn't go to church on Sunday, so shouldn't I have a 'get out of knowing Jesus-free week'.
• In my defense, the bible is a huge book with a lot of things to remember. There's no way I can obey all of your commands.
  

I could go on and on with my Christian excuses. I know these statements may seem a little Scared Straight: Bible Edition, but some days I truly feel like that. Yes, I knew better than to do certain things, but I'm human. I'm flesh. I am but dust. Why does God expect so much from me? Maybe it's not God that expects so much from me than me not thinking higher of myself. Maybe God wants me to realize that I am settling in my life when I don't obey him and follow his instruction. When I think the temporary high will be better than the long term reward. When I think that my language or lying or gossiping will give me the biggest laugh when in actuality God's pleasures of peace and being still will make my laugh more joyful and will ensure I rest easier at night.

Ultimately, God wants us to know and do better because we are better people than we think of ourselves sometimes. When I was in the world and not treating my body as I temple, it took someone who misused my body to tell me that I was more than what was between my legs and the breasts on my chest and the long hair on my head and the skinny statue that I was. That guy was trying to tell me that I am worth more. God wants us to be worth more. I always thought it was strange when the bible would have the word, remember, at the beginning of the sentence. I mean aren't we supposed to remember the whole bible?! After reading this verse, I get it. The word is thrown in there because even God knew we would have to remember to 'remember' who our lives are really for and that the poor decisions we make ignorant and foolish and well, like we don't know any better.

This Week I Know It's Not Just Me - Thanks Inventory

On 9-22-09, I wrote a blog post called It Begins With Thanks. With Thanksgiving being this week, I thought I would be typical for one moment and write about what I am thankful for now. Here is a scripture that I feel suits my mood and the mood of others for this week.

Psalm 109:30 - But I will repeatedly give thanks to the Lord, praising him to everyone.

It's funny how my list has changed since the 9-22-09 post. Here a few things that I am thankful for:
- This blog
- My wonderful 19 Followers (thank you so much)!
- Family love and support
- For surviving yet another car accident
- Hitting work deadlines
- Music - discovered a new band this week, the Rescues
- Lower bills-budgeting tips
- Hot showers
- Peace of mind and its ability to show up when necessary
- Tears because I'm way more in touch with my emotions when they come out that way.
- Not always having to be the bigger person
- Hugs and kisses
- Hindsight
- New friends
- God forgiving me when I don't get it right the first time
- Patience
- Going to Pittsburgh today!!!!
- The ability to be thankful

I used the scripture above for today's post because my purpose for this blog was to praise the Lord in front of others and to show what can become of your life when you begin to live for the Lord. The past two months of blogging have been better than any therapy I could have paid for. Not that I would ever do it, but I get posing for Playboy or one of those publications. With this blog, I get to be naked with my feeling in front of others and it's so freeing and definitely helped me inhale and exhale better. When I hit 'Publish Post', there's no turning back. My words are out there and I love it! Thank you all for reading and encouraging me and letting me love what I do. I thank God for all of you and if I don't post tomorrow, have a great Thanksgiving.

Lack of Sleep Diaries

When you've had less than four hours of sleep, you shouldn't be able to do the following things:

• Drive a car
• Teach six hours of soft skills training classes
• Spend an evening with a very important person
• Wake your mother up at 7 a.m. just to tell her about your evening with a very important person
• Write pages and pages of training materials
• Edit training materials
• Prepare important Excel reports
  
• Shop - for anything!
  
• Attempt to do more to your hair than a simple ponytail

This week I did all of those things. With the exception of the my hair, I did it all surprisingly well. This week I was missing sleep like my niece misses her binky and felt like the craziest person alive.

In hindsight, I could have gone to bed earlier most of those nights. The one night I attempted to go to bed early my upstairs neighbor was cussing someone out throughout the night. He said the F-bomb so many times I thought George Carlin was still alive. As a result, that night I didn't fall asleep into peaceful sleep until 3ish.

In order to stay awake, I drank plenty of work supplied coffee, listened to lots of Fall Out Boys and Britney, listened to endless TD Jakes, Joel Osteen, and Pastor Vernon sermons on You Tube, and prayed every day that God would give me the strength and energy I needed. I learned a lot this week from the sermons about dreams, having a vision, using the time I have wisely, and about the people that you need to hang around. However, I still haven't figured out what Britney is saying in 3.

This week did bring several joys. My training classes went well and I actually remember what I said in them. Biggest highlight - I had the best night of my life this week when I hung out with the important person. I made a new friend and I'll soon begin working in a new ministry so double blessing.

Today, I was able to make up for my lack of sleep throughout the week. I followed the words of Mark 6:31 - Let's go off by yourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile. I watched a marathon of Grey's Anatomy episodes from Season Five. I cried at least four times while watching them. But it felt good to have the quiet time and rest. I'm praying that the Lack of Sleep Diaries is over at least until after the holiday. I'm going to go back to resting now. Have a good evening and thanks for reading.

I Have Not Forgotten You

Hi all! I want to take a break from the regularly scheduled program of 'I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday'. Don't worry. Next week, I will bring back the regularly scheduled program of a new verse that I find interesting from the bible.

This blog topic has been on my mind for the past week. It started last week with a thought that I had on my way to work. Well, actually more like a fantasy. On my way to work I think mostly think about what it would be like to not have to go to my job anymore. Not because of a layoff or insubordination, but in my fantasy, I am actually doing one of my many dream careers. Don't get me wrong. The job I have now is one of my dream careers. I love certain aspects of my job, but really if I could do my job and work within my own schedule it would be sweet!

On any given day, I am grateful for the moments that remind me of the dreams that I have in my heart. Let me give you a few examples.

On the drive to work - when I hear a song that love on the radio, it reminds me of my dream of working in the music industry as songwriter, producer, or some other music exec. Also, the not so glamorous fantasy of being a record store owner like John Cusack's character in High Fidelity.

Yesterday I attended a baby shower at work and that reminded me of my dream of being a mom. Also, any time I talk to my sister and her kids are making noises in the background - I don't smile with jealousy. I smile and laugh in anticipation for what I want.

Discussing the upcoming wedding of a co-worker reminds me of my desire to be marriage. The smile and joy on her face is priceless and I can't wait to have a priceless smile. Also, the desire to be in love again and for myself, having the hope that 'next time it will be different'.

Looking at the lives of some of my friends on Facebook remind me of my dreams to travel and hopefully live somewhere else. Nothing is wrong with Akron, but in an earlier post, I mentioned my desire to go to California and how that hasn't gone away.

The last desire I have is of course writing. I probably get reminded of this dream the most not just because of the books I've read recently, but because of the TV shows, NPR programs, and church sermons I listen to. There are so many people out there that get paid and recognized for the words they say or write it's amazing and it's everywhere. My first love was definitely words that's for sure (sorry to the guy out there that thought that would be personal shout out him).

I call this blog post, 'I Have Not Forgotten You', because during that 25 minute drive to work I make sure that I don't forget the real dreams that are in my heart but live out those dreams even if in my mind. When I have weeks like this week where my days are longer, several deadlines and nothing's done, and I go home to an empty apartment with no one to unload on, I need those dreams. In fact, some days I need them more than food and air. T.D. Jakes once said, "A dream is God telling you how your story ends." I pray that God will let some of these things come to pass for me and if he doesn't, I have to trust that he has reasons.

I hope you don't mind me reflecting on what I hope to come. I know I've mentioned some of these things in past blogs, but it's important that you remind yourself of your dreams. For the past couple of days, I've been feeling like I am just going through the motions, so I need to remind myself that the motions of life change constantly and it's to me to ensure my life is moving and changing toward the dreams that I have for myself. You can't live by someone else's expectation for you. You have to live by what God is telling you and by what you have in your heart. Please share your thoughts on this blog and reflect on any dreams that you hope will come soon.

I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday - Multi-Purpose Faith

The scripture I want to focus on today is one that I sent a friend via text message in July. I told him that this scripture describes the foundation of our relationship perfectly.

Romans 1:12 - When we get together, I want to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours.

Upon re-reading it today, this scripture really symbolized to me that my faith, salvation, and the grace and mercy that God gives me is not all for me. It's really for others. It's easy to say that you should encourage one another, but what does that really mean? I know for me it means that when I get together with my friends, family, or people at work, I should try uplift their spirits, hopes, dreams, and desires as much as possible. Instead of quickly judging and giving my input on what they want, I should take the time and listen to them for understanding rather than evaluation. It also requires me to be honest with them in regards to what I am encouraging them to do and in a loving way.

On the other side of this coin, you should also be encouraged by the people around you - this is the 'all about you' part! You have to take a look at the people you're hanging around and ask yourself, 'should I really be around these people? Do they bring me down or lift me up? ' Also, in regards to being encouraged by someone else's faith, ask yourself what do the people around you want out of life? I'm not saying that everyone should want to make lots of money or live in the biggest house, but they should be striving for something and more importantly, they should believe that God is able to do anything. I am often encouraged by the faith of my friends. When my friends are passionate about something, they will pray heaven in order for something to happen with it and that encourages me. I don't want to hang with people who have given up and don't believe in anything other than today. So people watch the company you keep and pray for discernment about those people who are not encouraging you or themselves.

This scripture reminds me of 'it's better to give than to receive' in a sense because on one side, you want to be the one who encourages the other person, but then you also want to be encouraged. So which side should you want to be on? Truthfully, both are great. Sharing encouragement with another person is a beautiful thing. When you genuinely want the best for another person and pray that their deepest desires come to pass, you've hit the Christian Jackpot! Because that's when your heart contains everything God wants you to have. That's when you'll feel closest to God because every moment of every day God wants the best for us.

So when you have someone in your life that is speaking life into you, praying for you, and giving you that one-on-one encouragement, thank God for them. And don't forget to do your part and encourage them back. As always, leave a comment with your thoughts on this blog entry and share an experience of being encouraged or being the one to encourage. God bless you!

Not a Shakespeare Day!

I have a confession. This is the second morning in a row that I don't have a real topic to blog about. Since I go to extremes even in my thoughts, my first thought was, 'have a lost my super cool connection with God?' And of course because of who God is, that answer is no. Second thought, 'have a lost my spark or my touch?' And because of who I am, I know that answer is no. So what's going on? I want to write, but nothing is happening to write about.

Well, after thinking this over as my computer booted up this morning, I had to remind myself of something I say all the time....Jenn Jenn, it's really not that serious!

For the past two days, I haven't been motivated to write anything and I have to be okay with that. I'm learning to be okay with it. This past weekend was one of the best I've had since the weekend with my family in October, so I figured the words would just flow. I got to hang out with people I haven't seen in a while. I ate wonderful food and just had a wonderful time. Sunday was church and rest, my two favorite Sunday activities. So why don't I have a topic for this dang blog?

Well, because my blog content is not based on my weekend. It's based on what God wants me to write. After the second week of blogging, I sadly had to kick myself off my on own pedestal when I realized God might not inspire wonderful thoughts and words everyday. My topics, like the seasons of life, are going to come and go. Some days I'll hit it out of the park and even inspire myself and some days I'll sleep in and forget for two seconds that I have this blog.

I hope this post wasn't too bored for you. I just want to write you all and tell you that as much as you want to be, some days you're not going to be Shakespeare or have beautifully written dreams like MLK. You may have a day where you're like a flustered contestant on a game show who doesn't answer before the buzzer goes off. However, I'm not fluttered or upset about this. As much I want to drop some knowledge today, I know that when the idea or inspiration comes, I'll be ready. Have a great day!

I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday - One Point for Singleness - Zero for Drama-filled Relationship

Hey everybody! It's my favorite day to blog! Well, actually it's the one day of the week I told myself I would always blog. Today is I Thought It Was Just Me Wednesday, which is where I discuss a scripture that I agree with and would agree with even if I wasn't a Christian. This year of reading the bible has brought to light so many scriptures to me and not just the ones that I've heard over and over. On Wednesday, I like to focus on a scripture that either I maybe heard once and never again or possibly never read before. I remember this particular scripture about a year ago and I want to share it with you now. This scripture is from a New Living Transition bible.

Proverbs 25:24 - It's better to live alone in a corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.

The older I get, the more I realize singleness can be a really cool thing. I am single with no children so my singleness really has it's perks for me. Take tonight for example. When I got home, I heated up leftover and the portion was just enough for me. After eating, I laid down on the couch and checked Facebook a few times from my cell phone because my computer desk seemed really far away. I then read a few pages of the book, Guinea Pig Diaries (very funny, by the way). Afterwards, I took a little cat nap before reading my word for today and blogging tonight. Now, as a single woman living on her own, this is a typical night for me....and to be truthfully honest, I usually love every minute of it. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to kiss when I walk through the door. Yes, it would have been nice to not eat leftover and have someone here who could have started cooking dinner for me. And of course, sex would be nice. Hey, just keeping it real! But at what cost do I really want these things?

I don't think about my ex-boyfriends often, but when I do, I thank God that none of those relationships lasted. Not because they were bad people or even Dateline level dangerous. If I would have stayed in those relationships, I wouldn't have been the 'Proverbs 31 Virtuous' woman, but the 'Proverbs 25:24 quarrelsome wife' woman. If that were the case, then I would be the person with Dateline or Snapped tendencies! Those relationships were not build to last. In fact, some of them weren't meant to start, but I thank God that they are over and I have yet another chance to find someone new.

I don't want to be a quarrelsome wife, nor do I want a quarrelsome husband. So until the time comes for me to meet and marry my husband, I will stay in my corner - or in my case, my one bedroom apartment. One realization I had this year is that I don't need my Ken doll to have my Barbie dream house. I started house hunting a couple of months ago so that I can expand my corner. Although I'm probably a year or two away from having a house, I know that I can make my own home and when my husband comes along, he will just have to get a moving truck and settle in. I always fantasized about buying my first home with my husband. I wanted someone to grow with. My realization this year was to make a new dream and since I've been doing this well on my own, let's take it to the next level and have our own house.

When I read this scripture a year ago, I remember thinking that although this scripture has merit, it doesn't take away the lonely nights of being single and all the responsibility and stress I have to bare on my own. Reading now I see it in a whole new light. I read it now as inspiration to keep on the single path that I am on and to not make any stops until God taps me on the shoulder and tell me the guy is a keeper. Because I don't need any drama coming up in my one bedroom apartment!