Speechless...

Dear God,

I'm letting others dictate how I feel about me and I know that's not the way to live life.  I can't seem to find the words or attitude to keep those in my life happy or pleased with me as a person.  My last entry was about longing for the day to be myself.  But according to others I am the problem. I have the attitude.  I have not been nice.  And well, tell me how you feel, but I'm going to tell you back to basically F-off and that you're wrong.  

Yeah, this entry is why people hate blogs.  This entry is why I hate blogs, but it also the reason why I respect anyone that puts their opinion on anything out there.   That's not to say that I haven't thought about what they said and attempted self-reflection.  And well, the final verdict of that is me taking their feedback the entire other way and just quietly breaking down to myself and remembering that I have only myself in this life.  It's me desperately waiting to pick up the phone and call others but fearing the rejection and the criticism that making me feel desperate and depressed already.  

I'm writing this because God, I need you to be my shield.  I really need protection right now from the opinions of others. Once upon a time I was happy and looking forward to everything.  I had a smile for everyone and everything.  I felt I had something to contribute.  And well, today and so far in 2014, I got nothing.  And I'm starting to feel nothing.  I received a gift today from a co-worker.  A beautiful hand drawn picture and in a great frame.  And when I received it, I was so thankful because you don't think people remember you, but they do.  As I look at it now, I think, "I can't be all that bad."  God, please help me see more than the supposed bad and the things that make me unworthy of people's friendship and love.  I matter and I just need to remember.

Thanks for listening/reading.

- CC

When You're Just Trying To Be...

This year has been a little nuts for me...in good and bad ways.  In the constant search of determining who you are and who you are meant to be, one day you wake up and realize - this is me!  This is who I am.
The day that you can introduce yourself to yourself can be an emotional day.  It's emotional day because you are going to see parts of you that you hate and resent and regret.  However, you will also see someone beautiful.  Smart.  Sexy.  Appealing. Honest. Perfectly imperfect. You will be naked in front of yourself without taking anything off except the smile, anger, frustration. and confidence that you show others.  When you have that naked moment, don't be too quick to get back dressed.  Look at yourself for a while in that moment and take it in.  Because you will have to face, defend, protest, and be whoever you see.

I LOOOONNNGGG to be myself and to be 100% accepted for that person.  Newsflash, Jenn, you won't be.  No one will ever fully accept you only because you will never fully accept yourself.  There will always be things you want to tweak and change and if you're foolish enough to listen to others, you may try to change everything about your DNA.  I wouldn't suggest changing for others.  Depending on what day you catch me, I may not suggest changing for yourself.  Sometimes, it's okay to ride out the person you are and who you're becoming without thought or doubt.

Be honest with yourself first and then let other people in on the inside joke that is you when you see fit.

Love Letter to Akron

Dear Akron,
Even as I write this, I can't believe I finally left you.  At times I didn't think I could.  I didn't know where I would go if I left.  I didn't know where the money to leave you would come from.  But mostly, I didn't know where the courage would come from to live a place I was comfortable.  Ten years I gave you and you gave me.  I didn't think I would ever like you and if I could ever call you home.  I didn't think we would have anything in common or ever find a common ground. 

Our beginning started at a time in my life where I thought nothing could touch me and that the world wouldn't leave too many scars on me.  But through you, I learned that I already had scars and if I didn't take the time to deal with them and the new Akron scars, I would never be the person I was meant to be.  I discovered so many things through you.  I tell anyone that I really learned about God and Christianity in Akron.  Do I always follow what I learned?  No, but at least I have a foundation to turn to whenever I need to be led the right way.  I really felt (and feel) God's presents in a way there that I had never experience.  I have a real relationship with Him and the last eight of those years I can thank Akron for that.

I also discovered so many marvelous about myself.  I discovered that I really could take care of myself.  I knew this prior, but Akron was really the stomping ground for this growth.  I am a well functioning adult and you contributed to this more than you know.  I also discovered that I have the ability to make friends and create a new family in any environment that I am placed in.  I am so grateful for my Akron family.  I hope I was able to say and express that in so many words to each of my family members before I left and even still when I'm in communication with them.  So many times in life I doubted that I could really be a good friend to others, but my time with you proved that I have a huge heart and it is fully equipped to love others and accept love from others that weren't blood family.

So Akron, I have left now and there were things I didn't discover there that I thought that I would.  First and foremost, I never found a pizza that took my breath away.  Please work in that in my absence.  I didn't discover and establish my own family there, meaning getting the husband and children package that I saw others get once they moved there.  You are such a family-orientated city and I loved that about you, but I only loved it because I thought I could get that from you and I never did.  I was bitter some of my years there for not getting that package and having the family of my dreams.  I am happy to say now that I have never been so grateful not to have those things.  It could be because of my career and academic goals and the fact that a family would get in the way.  It could be because I never saw eye to eye with any Akron guys.  But really, it is because I am leaving you a better and more complete woman than I was when I came.  I wanted imaginary things to define me for so long like a husband and some kids.  I know now that I don't need those things.  In fact, my dreams for myself have expanded so much that I do not know if that package is the end all and be all for my life.  Ultimately, it is whatever God wants for me and I am grateful He placed new dreams and desires in my heart and sent me on a new journey where I can become closer to the family members I already have. 

Well, Akron.  It is time for me to say goodbye.  Thank you so much for what you brought to my life.  I knew always that I would leave you and that being an Akron lifer was not for me.  I hope you will always remember me for my honesty, humor, and my heart.  Just be sure that the next Pittsburgh girl that enters your presence can be served a good slice of pizza.

Love ya,
Jennie  

A September to Remember

This month I fell in love with three men...again.  Not entirely to their faces, but at least in my own heart.  I don't what happened, but I thought it would be a good idea to revisit the dating pool that I already knew was tainted with disappointment and unrealistic expectations.  It all started with the new man I was attempted to let into my life. Since he was new, I wasn't in love with him, so he is not one of the three men mentioned above. I had doubts about him and instead of listening to those doubts, I allowed myself to invest time and energy into someone I thought would be worth it...even if it meant that every insecure part of myself would come out.  Well, it didn't turn out good and I lost a good amount of money on someone that doesn't even acknowledge my existance anymore.  I told other people the experience with him was my birthday present to myself.  I called it that because in a moment, I made a decision to not be a stupid, naive woman that would allow someone to treat me like I was just an object in their world versus an equal, beautiful human being in their world.  As much as it hurt, I never felt so empowered in my life.  It took someone to treat me like trash for me to acknowledge within myself how valuable I really am.  Alot of my love lessons I unfortunately learn the hard way.  I can't just learn by the instincts that God shows me via the horrible preview to coming attractions.  I have to star in the straight to hell (I mean video) movie.

In the case of the three ex-boyfriends I had contact with this month, it took about 10 minutes of conversations with each of them to remember what I loved about them.  I took an evaluation recently in a book for my job.  According to my evaluation results from the book, Strength Finder 2.0, one of my strengths is individualization.  Individualization as a strength means I can see people as individuals and that I am good at seeing what is unique and special about them.  I don't just clump people into groups.  I figured out individual likes and dislikes, etc.  If you have ever received a gift from me, you'll know I try to find something for you that I know you will like, not just what I think you will like or what I think you should have.  How this relates to my exes is that in those 10 minutes or so, I remembered why I loved them.  Not why society, their family or other friends, or even themselves loved about them, but I thought was their beauty and uniqueness.  I know what attracted me to them and of course, in those moments I felt those feelings.  But just as quick as I felt them, I also felt the cold reality of why I shouldn't be with them again and why it didn't work the first time.  And I am semi-kicking myself for having feelings again for 10 minutes about them.  Why would I revisit a past that I thanked God numerous times I overcame?  Is because of my recent birthday?  Is it because it seems most of my Facebook friends got married this year?  Is it loneliness?  Or is it because at this stage I thought I was mature even to handle them?  Well, I found in two cases that it is actually the men that are not mature enough to handle me, if they even want to.  In one case, I think my prayer of them getting over me actually came to pass and now like a typical human being, I am mourning the fact that I no longer hold a priority place in their life.  Now, my calls to them go to voicemail and texts go unanswered.  I love prayer for something, it happens, and then I get mad and sad about it.

So what did I learn???  I am still working through the type of man I want and what I need in a relationship.  I know I should know this by now.   I'm actually starting to see how much I love myself and feel it inside but I know I still have work to do.  The moment I left that new guy I felt this overwhelming love for myself and my happiness because of my actions that day.  I just remembered in that moment that I am beautiful, smart, have a credit score over 700, a new paycheck in my account, and a working cell phone, which means I'm not stuck anyway and I don't have to take the crap pie he was trying to sell me as cavier.  I ultimately want someone who acknowledges that I am important in their world.  I want to be in a committed relationship.  I want to meet the friends and family.  I want to laugh and cry in front of you.  I want to hold hands as often as possible (thanks guy #3 for reminding me how special that is to me).  I want everything Joni Mitchell wanted in the "All I Want" song.  I want to know what I require in the man that will be my husband and continue to have the patience to wait for it.  And not just the Christian standards, but what I want in my husband that will be those individualized things what will make me happy.  Yes, it has been a busy September.  I just pray October means moving forward, even if I have to continue to go at it alone. 

What's a Comfort Zone?

On this November's eve, I wanted to take time to thank God for three amazing opportunities that I had in October. Without planning it, this month really took me out of my comfort zone of "coulda, shoulda, woulda, but didn't" and I actually put some internal thoughts into action.

First up is the wonder single's retreat I went on during the third weekend of the month. This is something that I honestly forgot about until my close friend reminded me of it the week before. The sad part is I told her about it a few months ago. This retreat was hosted by another local church and a co-worker told me about it. Apparently, this church has a great single's ministry that I've heard about for years, but never took myself to anything they. The only thing I forgot is this church has two single's ministries; one for people in their 20s and 30s and one for 40s and above. Guess the retreat we signed up for? You got it! One that Dorothy's Zbornak, Rose Nylund, and Blanch Devereau would have attended if they were Christian and practicing celibacy. With all of that aside, we had a wonderful time. We met really nice people. During the weekend, we sang songs, did crafts, watched a bonfire, and attended workshops. I'm glad I didn't realize what I said up for because I would have judged it and not gone.

My second activity made me deal with an allergy I have. I'm allergic to cooking. Ask anyone. I would rather eat out and get every meal out of a paper bag than make it myself. That's not to say I can't cook. I just choose not to. But I realize this mindset has to change, so as a birthday gift to myself I signed up for a cooking class. The class was called Culinary Basics and it lasted five hours. I told this class last Sunday, October 23rd. What did I make, you ask? We made chicken stock, homemade vegetable soup, sauteed chicken breast stuffed with fresh herbs and mozzarella, asian-marinated grilled fish, basmati rice pilaf, green beans with caramelized shallot vinaigrette, and individual chocolate souffles. Can you say yum? Now, before you pat my back too hard, I have to admit we worked in groups of four for every dish, so it wasn't totally solo act. We all worked really well together and everything was delicious. The instructor was nice and supportive and answered all of our too lazy to find out for ourselves cooking questions. It was an amazing experience.

My final October activity is something I told no one about. Yesterday, I took an improvisation workshop at a theater in Cleveland. It was taught by a lady that teaches at Second City in Chicago. Just in case you don't know, Second City is responsible for such comedians as Tina Fey, Steve Carrell, and Stephen Colbert just to name a few. It was awesome and the best part is that I got to participate in the activities, including one improv scene. I got an amazing response from everyone and I really enjoyed it. Being in a corporate trainer, I talk in front of people all the time and constantly answer questions on my feet, so it was good to think on my feet for fun and use a little profanity in the process without feeling like the worst person alive. In January, the theater will have level one classes, so pray my time and my money hold up and I can continue this activity.

The best part of each activity is that I didn't have to be a certain size, age, color, gender, or anything. Each activity was filled with different ages and walks of live. Before I did the last two activities, I asked God, "are you sure?" God put these desires in my heart for a reason and I just had to be willing to search them out. I learned this month that a desire doesn't have to stay a desire and if you're not careful, you wake up from a dream and not remember anything about it. Have a dream and desire will only get you so far. It's about stepping out of your comfort zone and doing those things you've always wanted to do.

An Age in Review - Part Two

I did what I wanted to do while I was 30. I prayed over major decisions like, "should I spend most of my income tax on one of my credit card bills?" And, "should I go to California for vacation? And if so, can you please make a way for a friend to go with me?" (Thanks Melissa!) But really, this year was all about me and what I wanted. I practiced spending, gluttony, and selfishness and it felt great! I spent money on clothes and ate out a lot! I also spent money I did not have by way of going back to school for my masters. (Thanks gov't!) Gluttony can be seen in my lack of a six-pack and settled in back fat. My selfishness, however, was not all in vain. This year I was able to do more for friends and family than in years past. Also, since I didn't entirely leave God, tithes are always paid and I contributed to special offerings when I could.

The real reason it took so long for a part two was because of the realization that I have left things that once held meaning to me. My Sunday School class, other church activities, songwriting, and my writing career as a whole. This year I walked away from what I thought was my purpose. Mainly because there is something people don't tell you about your purpose: that's a lot of work! Especially if you are a writer. It's a very solitary thing to do and if you thrive on people like I do, it can feel more like a punishment than a fulfilling task. And that's what it felt like. I have no connections. No one to be beside me when I do my craft. I have no one to help me with the songwriting. My one connection left town and when he left, so did my interest. Songwriting was something that honestly came out of no where and I only started because I liked a boy and didn't know how to tell him.

So to recap, my year without purpose has comprised of eating, vacationing, lots of television watching, sleeping, and ignoring the phone calls of people that are a) living their purpose and b) will make me face that I am not living mine. This is the first year that being a grown up felt overwhelming yet fun. This is the first year I saw my body change and didn't (and still haven't) immediately done anything to stop it. This year of 30 was the first year in years that I felt smart again because of school. I liked being the student that people admired and also the one that stood out because like a crazy person, is studying something I have no background or idea about. And the non-purpose living me wants to drop out soooo bad! However, after this semester, I will be half way done and so it makes no sense to give up. It actually makes no sense to give up on anything I want to do.

I have decided to put no expectations on 31. I hope that whatever non-purpose funk I've been in will grow up and get the heck out of my body!

An Age in Review - Part One

Monday, September 5th was my birthday. I turned 31 on that day at exactly 2:27 p.m. This year's birthday celebration was different than the past few years. I was (and still am) sick and was alone most of the day. Secretly, I wanted that. I wanted to peace and quiet. Really, just peace, which I'm still working on. The quiet was nice, but with cable, how quiet can it really get! Although I didn't blog a lot this year, most of my blogs had one major theme: being 30. 30 is a magical age where you enter a new decade and deal with society's and your own expectations of yourself. 30 was in some ways the best thing that could have happened to me and in other ways, I curse its existence. So, instead of having just a plain old year in review, I want to review myself at 30 in this entry. I want to take a honest look at myself while it is still fresh and while I still remember.

I don't bring up past blog entries, but if you read those, you will read how my thinking changed at 30. In fact, I blamed so many of my decisions on the age that taking accountability without it was not an option. I blamed my metabolism problems on 30, when really I like to eat and I like to eat a lot. Since my financial situation changed drastically on the positive side this past year, I have been able to dine out more and spurge on the foods I like and not just the ones I'll settle for. However, the foods I like the most are not the healthiest and what my new found fortune also brought me was back fat and the beginning stages of a muffin top. I say "beginning" only depending on what pants I'm wearing. Today, my dress pants are not tight and loose, so no muffin top when I sit!

30 also brought out that fact that some of my goals were not accomplished. This I do not blame on 30. I blame laziness and a fear of success I never realized I had. I knew about my fear of being rejected by people like family, friends, and men I want to date. The fear of your deepest desires and dreams being rejected scars me more. When you pour your life into something, people being critics and not seeing the passion can scar you. I know that 31 will have to bring out the guts in me, even if that means literally wearing big girl panties every day so that I can be confident in my abilities, then I may have to do that.

One dream fulfilled was FINALLY going to California. I went to San Francisco in July and had a blast. It was the sunny California most people dreamed of, but really it was my dream. My dream California experience consisted of walking a lot, not being too hot to concentrate, seeing national landmarks, and being completely surrounded by diversity. I can count on two hands the number of white Americans I met when I was there. Most people had accents I did recognize and I loved it. The crowds had moments of overwhelming, but really, it felt good to be a tourist with other tourists. It made my want and desire to be there fell legitimate and necessary for not just me. My dream vacation was fulfilled. Now, the next California experience I would to be sunny, just to compare and contrast.

With the change in income, 30 brought out my inner glam girl in more than one way. First, I began experimenting with my hair as soon as the 2011 began. I chose my hair dresser because I knew she would get me out of my hair box in a way that was stylish and also with a touch of patience. I haven't had the same haircut twice this year and it's been great. I haven't been able to fit my hair into a real ponytail all year and since I am over the age of 18, that's great (my hair dresser's words, not mine for those offended). I'm also a red head now, which I never thought I'd be. I always wanted to be a brunette. Once she made me one, I realized that it was unnoticable and had to go to another color. My hair in review I would definitely give five out of five stars to. It also made me look younger, which I never thought I would, but I love.

There are other things I need to tell you about me at 30, but I have to get back to the grind. This is only the start. Being the focus of my blog, I have to put into words 30 and my christianity. I'm actually still unsure how to describe. Just know for now that the "being all God has called me to be" segment might surprise you, just as it did the 30 year old me.

I Like You, Too. For Nichelle

My sisters and I joke often that if we weren't related to one another, would we even be friends? Once upon a time I could honestly say that about my oldest sister. My oldest sister and I are 13 years apart, so having something in common from the start was going to be hard. It's hard to believe looking back that her presence was one of the main ones I adored as a child. I thought she was cool, stylish, and fun. I remember her as a teenager loving Prince and make-up. Around the age of five, I saw my sister go off to college and that's were the separation really began. When she would come home, I didn't feel like I knew her and a few years later when she joined the Army and went to Germany, it was more like "oldest sister, who?" My middle sister became my oldest and only sister and I was fine with that.

Fast forward to the year I turned 16 and thought the world was mine! It was only me at home with my parents. And most importantly, my parents were mine and also their money (just being real, Mommy and Daddy). The money being for me to get my hair and nails done and maybe a few outfits. But as luck would have it, my sister moved home with two young children, the youngest being three months old. And well, life began to suck. My parents didn't have money. Instead, they (and me) had family responsibilities. My room became a refugee. And well, I became more of a sister to my nieces than aunt because now I was in charge of being there for them sometimes just like my sister with me years earlier. And actually, I didn't mind that too much because even as a spoiled teen, I knew inside the blessing it was to watch them grow up. I was there when my youngest niece took her first step. I even remember one of the first times she peed in the potty. It was magical, but even with this magic, I had a sister that I couldn't stand and couldn't stand me. Mutual non-magic!

Let's fast forward to adult years. Yeah, we still had our moments and a time period we couldn't stand each other and argued. But one day, moment, time, I still don't know til this day, something clicked over. I think it was when we started to have more in common, like books, TV shows, music, thoughts on life, etc. We became friends. There was a point to when I talked about her and didn't make a stink face. I smiled and when my friends told me how cool they thought she was, I mostly agreed with.

This past weekend was my sister and her family's last weekend in our hometown of Pittsburgh. She and her family are moving to Denver where her husband got a new job. I had to say goodbye to my sister. I hugged her and cried. I cried because like every human being, you think of all things you did wrong by that person than right. I apologized for being difficult and thanked her for not giving up on us being an us and also letting me have a big role in her girls' lives. I can honestly say that even when we didn't talk, she never withheld the girls from me and I appreciated that. When she hugged me back, she said that it was okay I was difficult because we are 13 years apart after all. She also said, "I like you". I told her I liked her too and well, cried more! And I am soooo grateful to God she finally left Pittsburgh at a time when we did like each other. I couldn't imagine her leaving four-five plus years ago, when our relationship wasn't as strong. That wouldn't have been good. In fact, that would have given me more of a reason to not try to know her. But now I have peace with her and our relationship. On Saturday, I was able to say goodbye to my friend, not just my sister.

30 and Shopping for Boob Tops

I probably could just end the post with only the title, but this Lucy should have some explaining to do. So here it is. In the past few weeks, I have attempted to be fun again. I haven't felt fun in years. I mean really fun. Like Hangover fun, but cleaner. On Friday, I decided to go to Akron's First Friday, an evening of dancing primarily for African-Amercians. My friend had the idea to go shopping for boob tops, also known as titty tops, but I'm trying to be clean. Since I really don't know any tops like that anymore, I agreed.

We went to the local mall for our shopping and of course, within a couple of stores she found one because she's got great fashion sense and always picks cute stuff. While she's waiting to pay, I went to the nearest bathroom. It hit me as I walked back from the bathroom that this is pathetic. I remembered being 21-22 and shopping for boob tops for the same night I was going to wear it out. I'm 30 now and still shopping for boob tops. After I meet back up with my friend, I felt the shopping pressure on me because I didn't find anything. Let me just say that, I don't do well under shopping pressure because I hate shopping. I do really well shopping when I don't think about it and just happen to pick up something cute, try it on, and then it works.

When I didn't find anything, I didn't hold back and I told my friend about my 30-boob top shopping ephipany. She told me I was just over analyzing and that this is not pathetic. Listening to her, I kept looking, but in the end, I didn't find anything. When she dropped me off to get ready, I found a shirt at home that would do for the night, but I couldn't shake the 'this is pathetic' feeling. I mean really. I'm 30 and I want to do 30 year old things. Like a nice dinner, a movie, anything that doesn't require a night of shaking my butt with Akron's finest with my boobs out. I went to the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame last weekend by myself and had a blast. It was one of those 'I didn't think I would be here in my life moments', except it wasn't about my career or ovaries, it was about the idea of going out. Of course, I went and because of the company I keep, I had a good time laughing and dancing to lots of 90s songs. I also met someone as I was walking out. The jury is still out of him, but like my 21-22 year old days, it felt good to go home with a number.

Yesterday's church service confirmed my 30 and shopping for boob tops ephipany. I think in that moment at the mall I felt like I was going backwards, in the Christian world, you never want to do that. My Bishop about giving up and I admit, the past few months, I've given up on my Christian behaviors and principles. I feel like I tried the nice Christian girl thing and that it's not working. Although I tried it for 5 minutes compared to others, it felt like a lifetime. And while my behaviors are not completing Christ like, I haven't totally lost it. I still attend church and give tithes. I still pray, just not as often. I still believe in God. I just stopped believing in my Christian self. I laid in bed this morning for two hours just thinking about the past few months, Friday's epiphany, and yesterday's sermon. There are so many decisions I need to make. The only thing I want to come out of these decisions is progress and not going back to the person I used to be.

All Stood Up

On Friday, May 13, 2011, I was stood up. Yes, you read correctly. Stood up for a date. A date that I thought had possibilities. Well, possibilities now mean to me that he had a good job (professional - government benefits too), smart (very educated), had common interests (NPR, TV shows like the The Office and Teen Mom), and well, he was really tall (sorry Skee-Lo, but I wished you and any potential date are a way taller than me). So Friday, I waited at a restaurant for almost 30 minutes for him to show up. Thankfully, I never got a table, just had the buzzer. Unthankfully, I was all dressed up with my hair done and toes polished by a professional - BUT WITHOUT A DATE! "I'll take Cute and Manless for $200, Alex." Thankfully (again), I needed the hair and toes done anyway, so the cuteness is not a total waste.

Since most of you still don't know who I am, let me tell you. This has NEVER happened to me before. Don't get me wrong. I've been on dates where I wish the person didn't show up. I've been on dates that left me feeling sorry that I deserted my good book and/or TV for that evening. But never this. Maybe the guy's home training didn't include the lesson, If You Don't Really Like the Girl, Don't Ask Her Out. Til this moment, I still haven't heard from dude. I know him from school, so there is the chance of seeing him again. In fact, I know his address so I'm tempted to send him a box of Massengill with a note that says, "a douche for a douche!" But I won't. In fact, I haven't tried to contact him since the restaurant, when I left him a voicemail about the wait for the table and hoping that he gets here safely (aw, Christian Cleavage, you sound so naive and lame).

Some lessons you can learn from your girl. One, getting stood up sucks, just in case you've heard conflicting reports. That night I took Embarrassed for $500 and the Rejected Daily Double. Side bar - I don't know if it is Alex Trebek's birthday or where all of my Jeopardy references are coming from. You have to admit though. They fit with the story! The final realization and point I'll make is that the morning of my date I woke up really happy. Glass half-full happy. I went to work and was genuinely nice to people. I even said "Happy Friday" and I hate that stupid phrase. I was so anxious and excited because for a 30-year old single girl, a new date means hope. A new date means that maybe love and romance are not died. A new date means I have another chance to do it right. It also means God hasn't forgotten about me. So yes, for the first time in months, I was extremely happy and it felt good. After the events or lack there of occurred, it hit me. Why am I not waking up this happy every morning? Why on this rare occasion did I feel happy and content when really there are seven more months in this year that I need to feel that way? Heck, I need to feel that good for the rest of my life. Your girl needs to get happy and content on a daily. Your girl needs peace, which will bring both of those things.

In regards to my feelings on dating again, of course I will try again. One bad experience can't stop the entire show. I will probably just pray for discernment next time. What felt like the worst moment of my life was really God's protection. Who knows what drama the King of the Massengill throne could have brought into my life. Even with my ego bruised and my party dress back in the closet, I am still looking forward to the next man that God will allow in my life.

I Want My Man Back

A few months ago, I started seeing a new counselor. There was nothing wrong with my old one. I just felt it was time to see someone else. After the first session, I knew I made a good choice. The only problem is our schedules conflict a lot and he’s very popular so every visit, which is usually once every 4-6 weeks, has to count just as much. Well, tonight he had to cancel due to a family emergency. I understand, considering last week I had my own family emergency to deal with. But I was looking forward to tonight because of the homework assignment we were going to discuss tonight.

The two main reason for going to counseling are one, to work on being content in who I am (i.e., my depression). And two, I wanted to examine my romantic relationships. For my homework assignment, my counselor wanted to write about every relationship I’ve had since the age of 20. I had to write about why I was initially attracted to the person, why I stayed as long as I did, and what finally broke up the relationship. Although I have spoken and written about my relationships for those classes I mentioned, I don’t think I ever had to write about them all at the same time. Also, I didn’t have the hindsight of 30 when I examined them before.

Like a good student, I did the homework last night. I took one of my many notebooks and wrote a few paragraphs on each of the five guys I’ve had relationships with since 20. I’m not going to share what I wrote about; if that’s the cliffhanger you were waiting for. What I will share is that I can honestly say I do not want any of those men back. Not because they’re bad people. I just know those relationships ended for a reason. Two of the men are happily married and fathers now and I would hate to have been tied to one of them still and they miss the life they were supposed to have.

The man I really want back is God. I miss my fire for God. The year I started this blog was the same year I read the entire bible. So God and I were really connecting. Even days I had no idea what I read, I still felt that God knew my heart and I was feeling Him move around in mine. A few weeks ago, I went to a watch night service at church, where I had the opportunity to praise God anyway that I want. For some of the time, I just sat there and read my bible because that’s how I bonded with God to begin. But in my prayers and cries that night, I realized how much I missed God. I began to open up my thoughts to him again. I remembered that He is the best friend I could possibly have. I remembered that I could come back to Him at anytime and He wouldn’t judge nor deny me. That night I felt loved.

Within the past few weeks, I haven’t opened myself up to God like I did that night. I need to. There are so many things I want to tell him. There are so many things I need to see about myself and others and right now, my eyes are not working right. I need to thank him more than I did that my dad’s health is better and that my family was able to pull together in a time of trouble. I need to be a woman of action instead of complaint. The last two weeks have taught who really has my back and who will truly never let me down. I pray that I never have to write about my break up with God.

Dwindling Away

If you've been a Christian for at least 10 minutes, you are probably no stranger to the verse, Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans that I have you, declares the Lord. They are plans to for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." This scripture is quoted often and in most cases, when things are not going well for someone. Or at least that's me. As part of the Dirty 30, I am beginning to see things a little different and one thing I've done with this scripture is lean on it more than in the past.

If you've been a Christian for more than 30 days, you've probably come to realize that God's plans are hardly ever yours or at least the timing is off. God has a way of making things you want hard to get or of making you want other things. For me, graduate school was something I never wanted. God put that move on my heart. Last year, I noticed that my mind hadn't truly been engaged in real thinking in a long time. In fact, I know I went dumb. Not to say that I was not learning anything. In 2009, I read the entire bible, so that requires a brain. However, my between my 9-5 and love of obsessive TV watching, I hadn't really been book smart in a while. So God aligned it so I could be at a good school with good faculty learning deep, meaningful things. I get to talk to people that I have things in common with. Although I am tired all the time and feel my energy is never coming back, I have never felt so fulfilled. Even after a long day of work I can't wait to get to school.

But even with all of these things, I am haunted by the dreams that are not fulfilled. I am losing most of my single friends to marriage. I'm losing most of my married friends (and a few single ones) to either a first or second baby. I'm losing other friends to jobs that they are truly enjoying and finding their purpose. Basically, I'm losing them and at times, losing the game of life.

I know that I am not truly losing my friends - at least I hope not. But the ever-changing times of others make me question God's plans for me. Yes, I love school and some days, love the fact that no one is at home waiting for me in order to eat or do stuff for. However, walking this walk alone gets unbearable at times. It's good that I have friends at school to talk to because when I get home, there is no one there but me. So all of my mind stimulation is the greatest gift until I get home.

God's plan are a little confusing to me sometimes, especially this 30 and single thing. But a revelation happened to me tonight upon reading Jeremiah 29. A few lines before Jeremiah 29:11 the Lord tells the people exiled to Babylon that He will fulfill all of the promises he made them, but it will have to live in Babylon for 70. Yes, 70! Most people can't wait five minutes for a bus, imagine 70 years for a promise. Here's the beauty in all of this: a few lines before that, the Lord basically tells them not to stop living. He tells them to get married, have kids, and "do not dwindle away". Wow! Last year, God saw me dwindling away. He saw me going to work and coming home. He saw me having nothing to contribute on my job and in conversations with others. He looked at me and saw boredom and discontent. God rescued me. And no, he did not rescue me the way I wanted. But he rescued me. And because of this season in my life, I will one day be a better wife and mother and today I can be a better friend because of the fact that I have a new purpose and interest. Where prayer is needed is in the fact that I feel the Lord calling me to teach in schools. I knew at eight that I was supposed to do that and run from it. The only hang up is the fact that I have to spend time teaching in a school to get my license and I can't afford to do that. I just hope and pray that a door opens for my new dream to occur.

I ask all of you to pray for me and I will pray that you do not dwindle away. Keep living and striving everyday to be the person God calls you to be!

Dirty 30 - Honorable Mentions

Thanks to everyone who read my last post about my journey through 30! When I'm writing a blog post, I'm so excited to hit "Publiish Post" that sometimes I forget big chunks of what I want to saw. The thing I listed last week where probably the most impactful thoughts/events so far, but I've compiled a list of honorable mentions. I try not to play the blame game in other areas of my life, but I'm enjoying this. So here are more things that I blame on turning 30:

• The movies I tend to see or want to see at the movie theater are movies that will most likely be nominated for a Golden Globe or Oscar vs my former playlist of movies that typically play repeatedly on FX or Comedy Central.
• I do not understand the meaning of Michael Jackson's Wanna Be Startin Something. Between his baby having a breakdown and crying, stealing, and lying, I just don't get it. That's not to say I don't shake it a little when it comes on my I-Pod. And I really don't get calling someone a vegetable. My fav line at the end is "if you can't feed your baby, then don't have a baby." I didn't realize Michael was a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood, but you learn something new everyday, accept the meaning of this song.
• The desire to now only have one child versus three or four like I used to.
• The sad reality that I can't eat like a 15 year old anymore. Even with working out two-three days a week, I can't get rid of the pouch in my stomach. This is same pouch that comes when I get my period, only my period doesn't come in 30 day increments so yes, it's officially all me!
• I officially have back fat as well.
• Noticing a gray hair the week after I turned 30.
• Being carded at World Market the week of Christmas. Ok, not blaming anything but good genes on that one!
• Wanting to give all of my nieces a dollar for Christmas and telling them to spend it wisely.
• Being annoyed by my new touchscreen cell phone. First of all, my touchscreen doesn't like my touch. I've only had luck with pencil erasers. I did not mind having a thousand real buttons on my cell phone. At least I knew they work and liked my touch.
• My patience is getting better when people ask me questions at work. I think is because my memory is starting to suck so I have no choice but to listen more carefully to every request and read every line of an email.
• Audio books and NPR have become my best friend (in life and in my car).
• I realize that I never want to stop having the inquisitive mind of a little sister.
• My desire to study meditation. WHICH IS EXPENSIVE BY THE WAY!! One meditation package (which I don't remember how many classes it came with) was $400. Another was $275. The cheapest package I found in my area was $65. Not to be a meditation snob, why only $65? Especially since I know what they could be charging. Anyway, this desire won't go away. I got a DVD from the library that had guided meditiation on it. The first time I tried it I almost fell asleep. The second time I couldn't get comfor3table. I was way too aware of my body. Therefore, I think like other things in life, I think if I pay for it I will have no choice to pay attention and try harded. I just want peace really. Peace with my life and my decisions and with who I am.

The final thing is wanting something in my life to change. Something big. I want a blessing that only God could provide. I know as Christians we pray something similar almost everyday, but really, God, I'm 30 and I need you to show up. He knows my true life and career desires. Please make a way. Thanks for reading and have a good one.

I Blame 30...

Happy New Year all! I hope everyone had a great holiday. Mine was wonderful. With the new year brings new thoughts, goals, and dreams. Last year, I turned 30 (thank you God). Although I'm only four months into my 30, various things have happened to me that make me wonder if these things or observations have only occurred because of my new age. To start the new year right and blogging again, I wanted to share the list of things/thoughts/events of my life that blame on turning 30. Please note that blame does not mean that these things are bad. Some of these things are good things that I blame and thank 30 for. I'm not going to categorize the list into bad and good. I'll let you determine by my tone and if you know me, just knowing me, you'll be able to tell if it is a positive or negative blame.

1. Last year, I had the goal of caring more about my personal appearance. I also realized last year that I could financially now afford to buy more things for myself, like clothing, nail polish, pedicures/manicures, more hair appointments, shoes, etc. So I did. My most amusing purchase was the wig that I bought for my 30th birthday dinner. I don't do weave or hair extensions of any sort, so the wig was a shocker. And yes, I wore it to work and church and got lots of looks. For my birthday and beyond, I wanted to be glamorous and that helped. I do, however, need to calm the spending. I'm turning into one of those women who hasn't met a store that she didn't like and want to go into. Never thought I'd be that woman, but my 30s is making me. Oh darn!
2. Last week, I bought my first push-up bra. If you know me, you know that I am equip already in that area. But my new friend 30 has made me realize that like Starbucks and Wal-Mart, I have to keep up with the competition and to do so, instead of rolling back I have to pull some things up starting with my breasts. I'd never imagined buying a push-up bra. The women that have admired them and the men that used to enjoy them probably never thought I'd need one. But with 30 years comes the shift of time and apparently weight. I felt silly trying it on in a dressing room of the most known underwear store. But when I looked in the mirror, a crazy feeling came over me. Honestly, looking the mirror had the same feeling as looking at an old photo album. I have to admit that it felt good to see the girls alive again. However, I haven't wore it yet. Being new to the push-up game, I'm not even sure when it would be safe to wear it to. Not a church event. Not to work. Not to my momma's house. Not even on a date because well, it would kind of be lying. How can I expect the guy to tell the truth about his income and number of children when I'm fudging my physical resume? But I will find a place for 30's suggestion. After all, I don't want to keep looking down and thinking that maybe it is a small and low world after all.
3. Married men. I mean 'separated' men. No, I mean married men are coming out of the wood work. One of my friends started getting asked out and hit on by men 25 and under after she turned 30 (and it's still happening to her). I, however, am getting the married/separated/married crowd. I think they look at me and think they can get it right with me. I can redeem them. I can validate they are good men and their ex's were really just crazy. But I have news. By them just hitting on me with marriage still as their status on government forms and even insurance papers, you're not good men. Not to me. If I'm coming to the table with no strings or rings, you need to do the same. I'll amen myself. Amen.
   
4. Thanks to a woman named Roberta in my Sunday School, last year I lived by the mantra that you have to teach people how to treat you. That sentence really opened my eyes. Unfortunately, I'm still giving lessons to some of the people in my life and also to myself. Over the past few weeks, I've been evaluating my relationship patterns. Mostly with men, but I'm starting to explore family relationships as well. But focusing on the men, there is a step of singleness I neglected to do. About three-four years ago, I made a list of all the qualities I want in a mate. It was a good, honest, not superficial in the least list. However, I didn't make the corresponding list, which is writing down what my ideal relationship looks like. Of course, I had and have ideas about that. But I never put to paper what I truly wanted in the day to day of the relationship. Well, thankful 30 and I have this year (hopefully not the whole), but we have time to work on that part. It was easy to say "I want ____ in a man", but how do I want that man to treat me and how do I want to treat him? What are the roles? What are the rules? Although celibate, what are our 'safe words' going to be? How often or are we going to have family get togethers? Seems small, but really these are things I didn't question.
   

Those are the major things I blame 30 for right now. The best part about being 30 is that I couldn't wait to turn 30. I wasn't a big fan of my 20s. Late 20s and I were sort of homies, but really I knew 30 and I were meant to be. I hope you are enjoying your age whatever it is and like me, laughing and learning from it! God bless!

A Change of Perspective...

This past weekend I had the pleasure of introducing one of my Akron friends to Pittsburgh. She had never been before, so I played tour guide and airline stewardess on the ground to her this weekend. With the help of my family, we were able to welcome her to the city with open arms and a good meal thanks to the early Thanksgiving idea of my mother. But I truly feel that I owe my friend a thank you for reintroducing me to the city where I grew up. Some of the neighborhoods that we took her to I hadn't been to in years. One of the beautiful places to go is Mount Washington. That is where you can see the entire city and also ride the Incline. Mount Washington is the place where people go to take wedding and prom photos. It's a place every tourist should go to at least once, especially if you are a Pittsburgh Steelers hater. With such an amazing view, I know for myself I couldn't think of anything I hated from there. I admired the all of the buildings and stadiums and signs that I saw from up there. I felt appreciative that I got to live in a city with things to do and that you didn't need your own transportation to live there.

It was an interesting to experience my life through someone else's eyes. My friend got to meet my immediate family and she loved everyone that she met. I know that I take my family for granted sometimes. By having someone there who could see all of the wonderful traits I sometimes forget about humbled me. I really do have a good family and I love them so much. And the fact that they were so good to my friend and made her feel welcome I appreciate. I've been around the family of other friends a few times where they didn't even offer me water let alone a place to stay for two days, food, and a very knowledgeable tour guide. I'm glad she had fun and I'm glad that I come from such a loving family who definitely thinks of other people's comfort before their own.

Now I'm back in Akron and well, I think I need help seeing my life here in a positive perspective. I'm so lost right now. I'm in school and sort of enjoying it. The only reason I'm not enjoying it is because work has gotten more demanding and also fear. My fear that, like my songwriting and book writing and blogging and other interests, that this will too be a dying fade. Although I have a career I'm proud of, there are other things in my life I wanted to do and never did them. I can make the argument "there's still time"forever, but my motivation is mud. It's hard to face this blog sometimes. I think I put pressure on myself at first. I wanted it to be so many things that I couldn't live up to after a while. The second time around I tried the appreciation blogs and that was good, but all you need is to have a bad day or bad experience or just get full of yourself, and bam, no more appreciation and no more blogging.

God knows I don't want a horrific "It's a Wonderful Life" experience. I just don't know right now what to focus on. Should I go back to the old dreams or just continue to live out these new ones although they are not as fun and I'm still not sure where they came from. God, please help me by cleaning my glasses and my heart and allowing me to see what my potential is and how to use it.

Surprise! Day 18

Today I got a wonderful surprise at work. My team remembered my birthday and got me a hilarious card and a piece of Chocolate cake (big piece). They lit three candles and I had to quickly blow them out because we weren't sure if fire was allowed on the premise. It was a wonderful surprise and it really touched my heart. You just never who's going to remember you and who isn't. I thought that one friend would be loyal to the birthday code, but really this person won't be so it is what it is. My parents got me a GPS system and I'm going to test it out tomorrow. I've already played with it and saved a few locations that I will be going to soon.

Today was long and full of surprises I'll clue you in on later. I am grateful for the people in my life that are telling me that I am taking this too personally and also that I need to give this school thing time. I didn't realize how unaccustomed I've become to not being too far out of my comfort zone. I thought I was one of those 'I'll try anything' people, but really I'm a 'I'll try it if..." people. So pray for me as I try more things that I am not used to.

Grateful list:

• Work team
• Chocolate cake
• My parents still caring that I have a wonderful birthday after all of these years.
• My friend, especially Miss Little and Miss Anderson
• My birthday
  

Good night.

Round Hole, Square Peg Day 17

Today was class number two. Good news is that it will be an easy course. You show up, write three papers, and listen and ask questions of the guest speakers. I should be having a good, grateful night. Well, I'm not. I'm feeling very round hole square peg in regards to school. I'm feeling very overwhelmed by the newness of all of this. Also, since I'm not majoring in Journalism, I don't feel like I fit into this class either. The people are friendly, but they are all taking other courses together so it's like one big happy family and I'm the adopted one.

Maybe I should know what I want to be when I grow up by now. I don't know. Just a crazy week and I haven't had time to care about my birthday.

Here is my list:

• Mary J.'s Breakthrough album
• Robin Thicke's Evolution of Robin Thicke album
  
• Taking those managing emotions courses - came into play today
• Understand my course reading assignments
• People in my life that constantly talk me off the ledge.

Have a good night.

No Words Day 17

Hi readers! I really have no words for today. Yes, things happened. Yes, I have an opinion on all of them. But I really have no words tonight. However, I do have a grateful list. Here it is:

• Procrastination (I know right - only day two)
• Nice lunch with team
• La Roux CD
• Marvin Sapp's "Best in Me"

Tomorrow I go to my second class, Intro. to Journalism course. Pray for your girl!

Reading is Fundamental Day 16

Ok, so I was nervous and anxious all day like a kid at Christmastime. I even left work ten minutes early. I was so excited and ready to be an adult learner. And well, I didn't follow rule number one: read class information carefully. Your girl went to the wrong building. In my defense, I went to the building of the specific college that I am a student of. However, I read the wrong line of my syllabus and got the professor's office confused with where the class was. And of course, I had to walk past two buildings up a hill to get to the right building. I was so hurt, embarassed, and disappointed in myself. Thankfully, I met nice people along the way that helped me find my way. Oh, and I forgot to mention it took me about eight minutes to find a park, so when I left my car I had like two minutes to spare.

So probably 10-12 minutes into it, I got to class. Thankfully again, another woman was walking in with me. There were two other women that showed up later than me and my potential late partner in crime. I was so sweaty and flustered by everything that it took me a few minutes before my hand could stop shaking and I could take notes.

The silver lining of all of this is I still have the makings of a being a good student. When asked who read the syllabus prior to class, I proudly raised my hand with most of the class. When asked who downloaded the E-Reserve materials for the class, I, along with one other person, raised my hand. I also took almost three pages of notes of everything the professor was brain farting. During the break, I felt like a fish out of water when I realized that I may be the only person in the class that is not a teacher or some who works for the school system. This is not good for me because we have to pick groups for our major project in a few weeks and like the wimpy kid in little league, I'm afraid no one would pick. We have the option to work alone, so like Neyo, I can be 'a movement by myself.' But I'd rather have some help.

Overall, it was an okay first class. I know I shouldn't let the beginning of my journey reflect my view of the whole thing, but I just feel stupid. How could I not know where I was going? I don't know.

Here is my grateful list:

• Nice people with tissue.
• That I read some of chapter one prior to class.
• Great support system with the most encouraging words.

TTYL!

Final Day of Freedom Day 15

Well, tomorrow the next chapter starts: grad school! I kept this in the back of my head today as I laid around my apartment most of the day, knowing that this may be the last Sunday I get this luxury until around Christmas. I stayed home from church to nurse my cold, which I'm glad to announce should only be around one more day.

Tomorrow night will be my first night of class. I'm excited and so nervous. I read the syllabus a few times and only 35% of it makes sense. After reading it today, I realized that one of my five books will have to be read in its entirety by September 20th. The book is 120 pages, but still. It's a whole book. I read the preface and the first five pages of chapter one of the main textbook and that didn't make me feel so dumb. I at least want to be able to hold my head semi-high on the first night. What I can tell of this course is that there are no tests, but it just a bunch of projects. I will also get 'partner' in the class, which will come in handy if I ever have to miss.

I think I've been downplaying how huge this goal will be. I hit me today, as I skimmed through all of the reading assignments for the next month, how much of a life I will not have. It also hit me that God knows what He is doing by not giving me too much distractions. My church responsibilities are non-existent for now, as I have told everyone I'm accountable to about school and working full time. I'm really glad I did and I'm also thankful for their understanding and prayers. My major prayers for school are that one, I'm doing God's will and studying what He wants me to study, and two, that I'm learning things that will be beneficial to my current job. I want to be able to take this knowledge back and use it ASAP.

My grateful list:

• Understanding 35% of the syllabus
• Friends
• Family
• Ability to pay bills
• Carpet cleaner (such a klutz)
  
• God being able

Good night and have a great week.