A September to Remember

This month I fell in love with three men...again.  Not entirely to their faces, but at least in my own heart.  I don't what happened, but I thought it would be a good idea to revisit the dating pool that I already knew was tainted with disappointment and unrealistic expectations.  It all started with the new man I was attempted to let into my life. Since he was new, I wasn't in love with him, so he is not one of the three men mentioned above. I had doubts about him and instead of listening to those doubts, I allowed myself to invest time and energy into someone I thought would be worth it...even if it meant that every insecure part of myself would come out.  Well, it didn't turn out good and I lost a good amount of money on someone that doesn't even acknowledge my existance anymore.  I told other people the experience with him was my birthday present to myself.  I called it that because in a moment, I made a decision to not be a stupid, naive woman that would allow someone to treat me like I was just an object in their world versus an equal, beautiful human being in their world.  As much as it hurt, I never felt so empowered in my life.  It took someone to treat me like trash for me to acknowledge within myself how valuable I really am.  Alot of my love lessons I unfortunately learn the hard way.  I can't just learn by the instincts that God shows me via the horrible preview to coming attractions.  I have to star in the straight to hell (I mean video) movie.

In the case of the three ex-boyfriends I had contact with this month, it took about 10 minutes of conversations with each of them to remember what I loved about them.  I took an evaluation recently in a book for my job.  According to my evaluation results from the book, Strength Finder 2.0, one of my strengths is individualization.  Individualization as a strength means I can see people as individuals and that I am good at seeing what is unique and special about them.  I don't just clump people into groups.  I figured out individual likes and dislikes, etc.  If you have ever received a gift from me, you'll know I try to find something for you that I know you will like, not just what I think you will like or what I think you should have.  How this relates to my exes is that in those 10 minutes or so, I remembered why I loved them.  Not why society, their family or other friends, or even themselves loved about them, but I thought was their beauty and uniqueness.  I know what attracted me to them and of course, in those moments I felt those feelings.  But just as quick as I felt them, I also felt the cold reality of why I shouldn't be with them again and why it didn't work the first time.  And I am semi-kicking myself for having feelings again for 10 minutes about them.  Why would I revisit a past that I thanked God numerous times I overcame?  Is because of my recent birthday?  Is it because it seems most of my Facebook friends got married this year?  Is it loneliness?  Or is it because at this stage I thought I was mature even to handle them?  Well, I found in two cases that it is actually the men that are not mature enough to handle me, if they even want to.  In one case, I think my prayer of them getting over me actually came to pass and now like a typical human being, I am mourning the fact that I no longer hold a priority place in their life.  Now, my calls to them go to voicemail and texts go unanswered.  I love prayer for something, it happens, and then I get mad and sad about it.

So what did I learn???  I am still working through the type of man I want and what I need in a relationship.  I know I should know this by now.   I'm actually starting to see how much I love myself and feel it inside but I know I still have work to do.  The moment I left that new guy I felt this overwhelming love for myself and my happiness because of my actions that day.  I just remembered in that moment that I am beautiful, smart, have a credit score over 700, a new paycheck in my account, and a working cell phone, which means I'm not stuck anyway and I don't have to take the crap pie he was trying to sell me as cavier.  I ultimately want someone who acknowledges that I am important in their world.  I want to be in a committed relationship.  I want to meet the friends and family.  I want to laugh and cry in front of you.  I want to hold hands as often as possible (thanks guy #3 for reminding me how special that is to me).  I want everything Joni Mitchell wanted in the "All I Want" song.  I want to know what I require in the man that will be my husband and continue to have the patience to wait for it.  And not just the Christian standards, but what I want in my husband that will be those individualized things what will make me happy.  Yes, it has been a busy September.  I just pray October means moving forward, even if I have to continue to go at it alone.