Speechless...

Dear God,

I'm letting others dictate how I feel about me and I know that's not the way to live life.  I can't seem to find the words or attitude to keep those in my life happy or pleased with me as a person.  My last entry was about longing for the day to be myself.  But according to others I am the problem. I have the attitude.  I have not been nice.  And well, tell me how you feel, but I'm going to tell you back to basically F-off and that you're wrong.  

Yeah, this entry is why people hate blogs.  This entry is why I hate blogs, but it also the reason why I respect anyone that puts their opinion on anything out there.   That's not to say that I haven't thought about what they said and attempted self-reflection.  And well, the final verdict of that is me taking their feedback the entire other way and just quietly breaking down to myself and remembering that I have only myself in this life.  It's me desperately waiting to pick up the phone and call others but fearing the rejection and the criticism that making me feel desperate and depressed already.  

I'm writing this because God, I need you to be my shield.  I really need protection right now from the opinions of others. Once upon a time I was happy and looking forward to everything.  I had a smile for everyone and everything.  I felt I had something to contribute.  And well, today and so far in 2014, I got nothing.  And I'm starting to feel nothing.  I received a gift today from a co-worker.  A beautiful hand drawn picture and in a great frame.  And when I received it, I was so thankful because you don't think people remember you, but they do.  As I look at it now, I think, "I can't be all that bad."  God, please help me see more than the supposed bad and the things that make me unworthy of people's friendship and love.  I matter and I just need to remember.

Thanks for listening/reading.

- CC