Dwindling Away

If you've been a Christian for at least 10 minutes, you are probably no stranger to the verse, Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans that I have you, declares the Lord. They are plans to for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." This scripture is quoted often and in most cases, when things are not going well for someone. Or at least that's me. As part of the Dirty 30, I am beginning to see things a little different and one thing I've done with this scripture is lean on it more than in the past.

If you've been a Christian for more than 30 days, you've probably come to realize that God's plans are hardly ever yours or at least the timing is off. God has a way of making things you want hard to get or of making you want other things. For me, graduate school was something I never wanted. God put that move on my heart. Last year, I noticed that my mind hadn't truly been engaged in real thinking in a long time. In fact, I know I went dumb. Not to say that I was not learning anything. In 2009, I read the entire bible, so that requires a brain. However, my between my 9-5 and love of obsessive TV watching, I hadn't really been book smart in a while. So God aligned it so I could be at a good school with good faculty learning deep, meaningful things. I get to talk to people that I have things in common with. Although I am tired all the time and feel my energy is never coming back, I have never felt so fulfilled. Even after a long day of work I can't wait to get to school.

But even with all of these things, I am haunted by the dreams that are not fulfilled. I am losing most of my single friends to marriage. I'm losing most of my married friends (and a few single ones) to either a first or second baby. I'm losing other friends to jobs that they are truly enjoying and finding their purpose. Basically, I'm losing them and at times, losing the game of life.

I know that I am not truly losing my friends - at least I hope not. But the ever-changing times of others make me question God's plans for me. Yes, I love school and some days, love the fact that no one is at home waiting for me in order to eat or do stuff for. However, walking this walk alone gets unbearable at times. It's good that I have friends at school to talk to because when I get home, there is no one there but me. So all of my mind stimulation is the greatest gift until I get home.

God's plan are a little confusing to me sometimes, especially this 30 and single thing. But a revelation happened to me tonight upon reading Jeremiah 29. A few lines before Jeremiah 29:11 the Lord tells the people exiled to Babylon that He will fulfill all of the promises he made them, but it will have to live in Babylon for 70. Yes, 70! Most people can't wait five minutes for a bus, imagine 70 years for a promise. Here's the beauty in all of this: a few lines before that, the Lord basically tells them not to stop living. He tells them to get married, have kids, and "do not dwindle away". Wow! Last year, God saw me dwindling away. He saw me going to work and coming home. He saw me having nothing to contribute on my job and in conversations with others. He looked at me and saw boredom and discontent. God rescued me. And no, he did not rescue me the way I wanted. But he rescued me. And because of this season in my life, I will one day be a better wife and mother and today I can be a better friend because of the fact that I have a new purpose and interest. Where prayer is needed is in the fact that I feel the Lord calling me to teach in schools. I knew at eight that I was supposed to do that and run from it. The only hang up is the fact that I have to spend time teaching in a school to get my license and I can't afford to do that. I just hope and pray that a door opens for my new dream to occur.

I ask all of you to pray for me and I will pray that you do not dwindle away. Keep living and striving everyday to be the person God calls you to be!