An Age in Review - Part Two

I did what I wanted to do while I was 30. I prayed over major decisions like, "should I spend most of my income tax on one of my credit card bills?" And, "should I go to California for vacation? And if so, can you please make a way for a friend to go with me?" (Thanks Melissa!) But really, this year was all about me and what I wanted. I practiced spending, gluttony, and selfishness and it felt great! I spent money on clothes and ate out a lot! I also spent money I did not have by way of going back to school for my masters. (Thanks gov't!) Gluttony can be seen in my lack of a six-pack and settled in back fat. My selfishness, however, was not all in vain. This year I was able to do more for friends and family than in years past. Also, since I didn't entirely leave God, tithes are always paid and I contributed to special offerings when I could.

The real reason it took so long for a part two was because of the realization that I have left things that once held meaning to me. My Sunday School class, other church activities, songwriting, and my writing career as a whole. This year I walked away from what I thought was my purpose. Mainly because there is something people don't tell you about your purpose: that's a lot of work! Especially if you are a writer. It's a very solitary thing to do and if you thrive on people like I do, it can feel more like a punishment than a fulfilling task. And that's what it felt like. I have no connections. No one to be beside me when I do my craft. I have no one to help me with the songwriting. My one connection left town and when he left, so did my interest. Songwriting was something that honestly came out of no where and I only started because I liked a boy and didn't know how to tell him.

So to recap, my year without purpose has comprised of eating, vacationing, lots of television watching, sleeping, and ignoring the phone calls of people that are a) living their purpose and b) will make me face that I am not living mine. This is the first year that being a grown up felt overwhelming yet fun. This is the first year I saw my body change and didn't (and still haven't) immediately done anything to stop it. This year of 30 was the first year in years that I felt smart again because of school. I liked being the student that people admired and also the one that stood out because like a crazy person, is studying something I have no background or idea about. And the non-purpose living me wants to drop out soooo bad! However, after this semester, I will be half way done and so it makes no sense to give up. It actually makes no sense to give up on anything I want to do.

I have decided to put no expectations on 31. I hope that whatever non-purpose funk I've been in will grow up and get the heck out of my body!