This year has been a little nuts for me...in good and bad ways. In the constant search of determining who you are and who you are meant to be, one day you wake up and realize - this is me! This is who I am.
The day that you can introduce yourself to yourself can be an emotional day. It's emotional day because you are going to see parts of you that you hate and resent and regret. However, you will also see someone beautiful. Smart. Sexy. Appealing. Honest. Perfectly imperfect. You will be naked in front of yourself without taking anything off except the smile, anger, frustration. and confidence that you show others. When you have that naked moment, don't be too quick to get back dressed. Look at yourself for a while in that moment and take it in. Because you will have to face, defend, protest, and be whoever you see.
I LOOOONNNGGG to be myself and to be 100% accepted for that person. Newsflash, Jenn, you won't be. No one will ever fully accept you only because you will never fully accept yourself. There will always be things you want to tweak and change and if you're foolish enough to listen to others, you may try to change everything about your DNA. I wouldn't suggest changing for others. Depending on what day you catch me, I may not suggest changing for yourself. Sometimes, it's okay to ride out the person you are and who you're becoming without thought or doubt.
Be honest with yourself first and then let other people in on the inside joke that is you when you see fit.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Love Letter to Akron
Dear Akron,
Even as I write this, I can't believe I finally left you. At times I didn't think I could. I didn't know where I would go if I left. I didn't know where the money to leave you would come from. But mostly, I didn't know where the courage would come from to live a place I was comfortable. Ten years I gave you and you gave me. I didn't think I would ever like you and if I could ever call you home. I didn't think we would have anything in common or ever find a common ground.
Our beginning started at a time in my life where I thought nothing could touch me and that the world wouldn't leave too many scars on me. But through you, I learned that I already had scars and if I didn't take the time to deal with them and the new Akron scars, I would never be the person I was meant to be. I discovered so many things through you. I tell anyone that I really learned about God and Christianity in Akron. Do I always follow what I learned? No, but at least I have a foundation to turn to whenever I need to be led the right way. I really felt (and feel) God's presents in a way there that I had never experience. I have a real relationship with Him and the last eight of those years I can thank Akron for that.
I also discovered so many marvelous about myself. I discovered that I really could take care of myself. I knew this prior, but Akron was really the stomping ground for this growth. I am a well functioning adult and you contributed to this more than you know. I also discovered that I have the ability to make friends and create a new family in any environment that I am placed in. I am so grateful for my Akron family. I hope I was able to say and express that in so many words to each of my family members before I left and even still when I'm in communication with them. So many times in life I doubted that I could really be a good friend to others, but my time with you proved that I have a huge heart and it is fully equipped to love others and accept love from others that weren't blood family.
So Akron, I have left now and there were things I didn't discover there that I thought that I would. First and foremost, I never found a pizza that took my breath away. Please work in that in my absence. I didn't discover and establish my own family there, meaning getting the husband and children package that I saw others get once they moved there. You are such a family-orientated city and I loved that about you, but I only loved it because I thought I could get that from you and I never did. I was bitter some of my years there for not getting that package and having the family of my dreams. I am happy to say now that I have never been so grateful not to have those things. It could be because of my career and academic goals and the fact that a family would get in the way. It could be because I never saw eye to eye with any Akron guys. But really, it is because I am leaving you a better and more complete woman than I was when I came. I wanted imaginary things to define me for so long like a husband and some kids. I know now that I don't need those things. In fact, my dreams for myself have expanded so much that I do not know if that package is the end all and be all for my life. Ultimately, it is whatever God wants for me and I am grateful He placed new dreams and desires in my heart and sent me on a new journey where I can become closer to the family members I already have.
Well, Akron. It is time for me to say goodbye. Thank you so much for what you brought to my life. I knew always that I would leave you and that being an Akron lifer was not for me. I hope you will always remember me for my honesty, humor, and my heart. Just be sure that the next Pittsburgh girl that enters your presence can be served a good slice of pizza.
Love ya,
Jennie
Even as I write this, I can't believe I finally left you. At times I didn't think I could. I didn't know where I would go if I left. I didn't know where the money to leave you would come from. But mostly, I didn't know where the courage would come from to live a place I was comfortable. Ten years I gave you and you gave me. I didn't think I would ever like you and if I could ever call you home. I didn't think we would have anything in common or ever find a common ground.
Our beginning started at a time in my life where I thought nothing could touch me and that the world wouldn't leave too many scars on me. But through you, I learned that I already had scars and if I didn't take the time to deal with them and the new Akron scars, I would never be the person I was meant to be. I discovered so many things through you. I tell anyone that I really learned about God and Christianity in Akron. Do I always follow what I learned? No, but at least I have a foundation to turn to whenever I need to be led the right way. I really felt (and feel) God's presents in a way there that I had never experience. I have a real relationship with Him and the last eight of those years I can thank Akron for that.
I also discovered so many marvelous about myself. I discovered that I really could take care of myself. I knew this prior, but Akron was really the stomping ground for this growth. I am a well functioning adult and you contributed to this more than you know. I also discovered that I have the ability to make friends and create a new family in any environment that I am placed in. I am so grateful for my Akron family. I hope I was able to say and express that in so many words to each of my family members before I left and even still when I'm in communication with them. So many times in life I doubted that I could really be a good friend to others, but my time with you proved that I have a huge heart and it is fully equipped to love others and accept love from others that weren't blood family.
So Akron, I have left now and there were things I didn't discover there that I thought that I would. First and foremost, I never found a pizza that took my breath away. Please work in that in my absence. I didn't discover and establish my own family there, meaning getting the husband and children package that I saw others get once they moved there. You are such a family-orientated city and I loved that about you, but I only loved it because I thought I could get that from you and I never did. I was bitter some of my years there for not getting that package and having the family of my dreams. I am happy to say now that I have never been so grateful not to have those things. It could be because of my career and academic goals and the fact that a family would get in the way. It could be because I never saw eye to eye with any Akron guys. But really, it is because I am leaving you a better and more complete woman than I was when I came. I wanted imaginary things to define me for so long like a husband and some kids. I know now that I don't need those things. In fact, my dreams for myself have expanded so much that I do not know if that package is the end all and be all for my life. Ultimately, it is whatever God wants for me and I am grateful He placed new dreams and desires in my heart and sent me on a new journey where I can become closer to the family members I already have.
Well, Akron. It is time for me to say goodbye. Thank you so much for what you brought to my life. I knew always that I would leave you and that being an Akron lifer was not for me. I hope you will always remember me for my honesty, humor, and my heart. Just be sure that the next Pittsburgh girl that enters your presence can be served a good slice of pizza.
Love ya,
Jennie
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