I Want My Man Back

A few months ago, I started seeing a new counselor. There was nothing wrong with my old one. I just felt it was time to see someone else. After the first session, I knew I made a good choice. The only problem is our schedules conflict a lot and he’s very popular so every visit, which is usually once every 4-6 weeks, has to count just as much. Well, tonight he had to cancel due to a family emergency. I understand, considering last week I had my own family emergency to deal with. But I was looking forward to tonight because of the homework assignment we were going to discuss tonight.

The two main reason for going to counseling are one, to work on being content in who I am (i.e., my depression). And two, I wanted to examine my romantic relationships. For my homework assignment, my counselor wanted to write about every relationship I’ve had since the age of 20. I had to write about why I was initially attracted to the person, why I stayed as long as I did, and what finally broke up the relationship. Although I have spoken and written about my relationships for those classes I mentioned, I don’t think I ever had to write about them all at the same time. Also, I didn’t have the hindsight of 30 when I examined them before.

Like a good student, I did the homework last night. I took one of my many notebooks and wrote a few paragraphs on each of the five guys I’ve had relationships with since 20. I’m not going to share what I wrote about; if that’s the cliffhanger you were waiting for. What I will share is that I can honestly say I do not want any of those men back. Not because they’re bad people. I just know those relationships ended for a reason. Two of the men are happily married and fathers now and I would hate to have been tied to one of them still and they miss the life they were supposed to have.

The man I really want back is God. I miss my fire for God. The year I started this blog was the same year I read the entire bible. So God and I were really connecting. Even days I had no idea what I read, I still felt that God knew my heart and I was feeling Him move around in mine. A few weeks ago, I went to a watch night service at church, where I had the opportunity to praise God anyway that I want. For some of the time, I just sat there and read my bible because that’s how I bonded with God to begin. But in my prayers and cries that night, I realized how much I missed God. I began to open up my thoughts to him again. I remembered that He is the best friend I could possibly have. I remembered that I could come back to Him at anytime and He wouldn’t judge nor deny me. That night I felt loved.

Within the past few weeks, I haven’t opened myself up to God like I did that night. I need to. There are so many things I want to tell him. There are so many things I need to see about myself and others and right now, my eyes are not working right. I need to thank him more than I did that my dad’s health is better and that my family was able to pull together in a time of trouble. I need to be a woman of action instead of complaint. The last two weeks have taught who really has my back and who will truly never let me down. I pray that I never have to write about my break up with God.

Dwindling Away

If you've been a Christian for at least 10 minutes, you are probably no stranger to the verse, Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans that I have you, declares the Lord. They are plans to for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." This scripture is quoted often and in most cases, when things are not going well for someone. Or at least that's me. As part of the Dirty 30, I am beginning to see things a little different and one thing I've done with this scripture is lean on it more than in the past.

If you've been a Christian for more than 30 days, you've probably come to realize that God's plans are hardly ever yours or at least the timing is off. God has a way of making things you want hard to get or of making you want other things. For me, graduate school was something I never wanted. God put that move on my heart. Last year, I noticed that my mind hadn't truly been engaged in real thinking in a long time. In fact, I know I went dumb. Not to say that I was not learning anything. In 2009, I read the entire bible, so that requires a brain. However, my between my 9-5 and love of obsessive TV watching, I hadn't really been book smart in a while. So God aligned it so I could be at a good school with good faculty learning deep, meaningful things. I get to talk to people that I have things in common with. Although I am tired all the time and feel my energy is never coming back, I have never felt so fulfilled. Even after a long day of work I can't wait to get to school.

But even with all of these things, I am haunted by the dreams that are not fulfilled. I am losing most of my single friends to marriage. I'm losing most of my married friends (and a few single ones) to either a first or second baby. I'm losing other friends to jobs that they are truly enjoying and finding their purpose. Basically, I'm losing them and at times, losing the game of life.

I know that I am not truly losing my friends - at least I hope not. But the ever-changing times of others make me question God's plans for me. Yes, I love school and some days, love the fact that no one is at home waiting for me in order to eat or do stuff for. However, walking this walk alone gets unbearable at times. It's good that I have friends at school to talk to because when I get home, there is no one there but me. So all of my mind stimulation is the greatest gift until I get home.

God's plan are a little confusing to me sometimes, especially this 30 and single thing. But a revelation happened to me tonight upon reading Jeremiah 29. A few lines before Jeremiah 29:11 the Lord tells the people exiled to Babylon that He will fulfill all of the promises he made them, but it will have to live in Babylon for 70. Yes, 70! Most people can't wait five minutes for a bus, imagine 70 years for a promise. Here's the beauty in all of this: a few lines before that, the Lord basically tells them not to stop living. He tells them to get married, have kids, and "do not dwindle away". Wow! Last year, God saw me dwindling away. He saw me going to work and coming home. He saw me having nothing to contribute on my job and in conversations with others. He looked at me and saw boredom and discontent. God rescued me. And no, he did not rescue me the way I wanted. But he rescued me. And because of this season in my life, I will one day be a better wife and mother and today I can be a better friend because of the fact that I have a new purpose and interest. Where prayer is needed is in the fact that I feel the Lord calling me to teach in schools. I knew at eight that I was supposed to do that and run from it. The only hang up is the fact that I have to spend time teaching in a school to get my license and I can't afford to do that. I just hope and pray that a door opens for my new dream to occur.

I ask all of you to pray for me and I will pray that you do not dwindle away. Keep living and striving everyday to be the person God calls you to be!