No Words Day 17

Hi readers! I really have no words for today. Yes, things happened. Yes, I have an opinion on all of them. But I really have no words tonight. However, I do have a grateful list. Here it is:

• Procrastination (I know right - only day two)
• Nice lunch with team
• La Roux CD
• Marvin Sapp's "Best in Me"

Tomorrow I go to my second class, Intro. to Journalism course. Pray for your girl!

Reading is Fundamental Day 16

Ok, so I was nervous and anxious all day like a kid at Christmastime. I even left work ten minutes early. I was so excited and ready to be an adult learner. And well, I didn't follow rule number one: read class information carefully. Your girl went to the wrong building. In my defense, I went to the building of the specific college that I am a student of. However, I read the wrong line of my syllabus and got the professor's office confused with where the class was. And of course, I had to walk past two buildings up a hill to get to the right building. I was so hurt, embarassed, and disappointed in myself. Thankfully, I met nice people along the way that helped me find my way. Oh, and I forgot to mention it took me about eight minutes to find a park, so when I left my car I had like two minutes to spare.

So probably 10-12 minutes into it, I got to class. Thankfully again, another woman was walking in with me. There were two other women that showed up later than me and my potential late partner in crime. I was so sweaty and flustered by everything that it took me a few minutes before my hand could stop shaking and I could take notes.

The silver lining of all of this is I still have the makings of a being a good student. When asked who read the syllabus prior to class, I proudly raised my hand with most of the class. When asked who downloaded the E-Reserve materials for the class, I, along with one other person, raised my hand. I also took almost three pages of notes of everything the professor was brain farting. During the break, I felt like a fish out of water when I realized that I may be the only person in the class that is not a teacher or some who works for the school system. This is not good for me because we have to pick groups for our major project in a few weeks and like the wimpy kid in little league, I'm afraid no one would pick. We have the option to work alone, so like Neyo, I can be 'a movement by myself.' But I'd rather have some help.

Overall, it was an okay first class. I know I shouldn't let the beginning of my journey reflect my view of the whole thing, but I just feel stupid. How could I not know where I was going? I don't know.

Here is my grateful list:

• Nice people with tissue.
• That I read some of chapter one prior to class.
• Great support system with the most encouraging words.

TTYL!

Final Day of Freedom Day 15

Well, tomorrow the next chapter starts: grad school! I kept this in the back of my head today as I laid around my apartment most of the day, knowing that this may be the last Sunday I get this luxury until around Christmas. I stayed home from church to nurse my cold, which I'm glad to announce should only be around one more day.

Tomorrow night will be my first night of class. I'm excited and so nervous. I read the syllabus a few times and only 35% of it makes sense. After reading it today, I realized that one of my five books will have to be read in its entirety by September 20th. The book is 120 pages, but still. It's a whole book. I read the preface and the first five pages of chapter one of the main textbook and that didn't make me feel so dumb. I at least want to be able to hold my head semi-high on the first night. What I can tell of this course is that there are no tests, but it just a bunch of projects. I will also get 'partner' in the class, which will come in handy if I ever have to miss.

I think I've been downplaying how huge this goal will be. I hit me today, as I skimmed through all of the reading assignments for the next month, how much of a life I will not have. It also hit me that God knows what He is doing by not giving me too much distractions. My church responsibilities are non-existent for now, as I have told everyone I'm accountable to about school and working full time. I'm really glad I did and I'm also thankful for their understanding and prayers. My major prayers for school are that one, I'm doing God's will and studying what He wants me to study, and two, that I'm learning things that will be beneficial to my current job. I want to be able to take this knowledge back and use it ASAP.

My grateful list:

• Understanding 35% of the syllabus
• Friends
• Family
• Ability to pay bills
• Carpet cleaner (such a klutz)
  
• God being able

Good night and have a great week.

Dirty Work Day 14

Hi readers! I'm still under the weather, but the good news is my ears don't need to be popped anymore. I can hear perfectly (unless I blow my nose too hard then I have to wait a few minutes). But today was a good day. I saw two friends live their dream and sell their original art at an art festival. I caught up with a couple of friends and relatives via phone. I may get the bookshelf that I want at a reasonable price by my birthday. My first time using Craig's List and it may be my best friend if this works out.

I called this blog entry dirty work because today I had to deliver some bad news. Last Friday, I blogged about a promising date that I went on. But today, I told the dude that it wouldn't work. Mostly because of a major fact that he left out about himself that I found out during that promising date. The truth is that I'd been so busy this week that I had no time to think about him or the fact that I would have to tell him this isn't going to work. And actually, I didn't feel many sparks. When I blogged last week, I think was just on the high of having a nice night with nice people. And the fact that on dates, I rock! I'm smart, charming, and since I have a journalism background, I basically listen more than I talk and put Barbara Walters to shame as I find out loads of details about my dates. Next week I'll be 30 and sadly, I haven't gotten into a good romantic relationship like I hoped.

This two week experience with this dude taught me a few things. Number one, you can't fake chemistry with someone. It's either there or it isn't. And I've been out with people that I felt chemistry with, so once you know the real thing, you don't want imitation. Second, if you're lying about one thing, there has to be other things. I think in this case dude was lying to himself for so long, he believed what he tried to make me believe. The last thing this taught me is that I am getting better in terms of making clean breaks with people. I used to try and make bad relationships work, but not anymore. I'm learning to love myself more and in relationships, it means not staying if I don't feel comfortable. I don't want to enter my 30s the way I was in the 20s relationship wise. I just have to believe in what I can't see, which is that God has someone special for me.

My grateful list:

• Hearing
• My friend's living their dreams
  
• Talking to my friends today
• School in two days
• Pizza

Good night and you better wake up for church tomorrow.

This Week Needed to End...I Mean I'm Grateful Day 13

Yeah, this week was hard. Hard week at work plus I've been feeling sick all week. Let's break down my symptoms:
Monday - Nauseas and Stomach queasy
Tuesday - Still Nauseas with a sore throat
Wednesday - Sore throat and headache - I went home and slept for almost four hours. Taste buds begin to change. Thought Raisinets were disgusting
Thursday - Sore Throat, headache, Dizzy feeling mixed with stuffy nose.
Today - Stuffy nose, ear ache (desperately need to be popped- any takers?), head just feels stuffy, Can't taste anything and I keep eating like it's going to get better - Silly Rabbit!

So I officially have a cold. So tonight I've been laying low and I have the TV as loud as my parents do (no offense) because it's really hard to hear. I was watching some show on Discovery Health and for dramatic effect there was this beep in the background along with the dramatic music. That beep made me so paranoid. I thought it was someone's smoke detector was going off. Yeah, I'm gonna go back to that channel some day soon.

Well, I am grateful this week is over and for other things, such as:

• My birthday gift from my parents - a GPS! Time to break up with Map Quest. It's not me, it's you!
  
• This week being over
• Good training week
• Dayquil at night (the only reason I can write this blog)
• Did I mention this hectic week being over?!

Good night!

If My Bible Were My Child - Day 12

If my bible were my child, it would have been taken away by family services, even though I don't have a drug and alcohol problem and I'm not a criminal hiding from the law. My poor baby is not home because momma (me) left it in someone's car. I know this sounds like something that happens a lot in Christianville, but here's the part that would get the authorities involved.

I noticed Wednesday morning that my bible wasn't in the house, but I just assumed it was in the car. When I remembered to look in my car on my lunch break today, I realized that it was missing. I immediately remembered that I left it in a friend's car because we carpooled to Cleveland on Sunday. I emailed her and she confirmed my assumption. It didn't hit me until my car ride home from work that may be I should feel bad about this. I have other bibles, but not like this one. My other two bibles are hard-covered. My missing, but found bible is soft and when you bend the pages back, it doesn't ruin the bible. It fits perfectly in my purses and when on the couch, it feels comfortably in my lap. It's like the Snuggle bear of bibles. And now it's gone...well, until next week when I see my friend again.

The real reason that I feel so bad is because this is the same bible that read through last year. In fact, it says One Year Bible on the cover. Last year, me and this bible were thick as thieves. I read it almost everyday. This latest incident just proves how fair weather friends we have become. I need to get back with my bible, physically and mentally. This was a major lesson to me. Although I know my friend will take care of it, I keep getting visions of my bible singing 'Cats in the Cradle' and replacing the 'daddy' with 'mommy' and mommy is me!

Here is my grateful list:

• That my bible is in a safe location
• Two training classes down, one to go
• Double elimination on Big Brother
• One more week until the dirty 30!

Good night and hug your bibles for me!

Are You 'Down'? Day 11

For the past two month, I've rediscovered audio books. I love listening to them in the car, even if I'm driving down the street to the store, I will pop a CD in and just listen to someone else's life. This week I'm listening to I'm Down by Mishna Wolff. I read the book last year and I thought it would be entertaining as an audio book. It is a non-fiction book about a white girl who grew up in a black neighborhood. The funniest part about the book was that her white father actually thought he was black. Poor Mishna. All she wanted to be was the white girl she was born to be. Her little sister fit in to the black culture right away, but Mishna had to try. In the end, Mishna was too white for the black community and too black for the white kids she went to school with and throughout the book she told of her wins and loses of being 'down'.

Although this book has funny parts, it gets sad toward the end. It's always a sad thing to be me when you feel like you can't be yourself. During her life, she wanted her father's approval so much. She never wanted to embarrass him, but that's usually what happened. I can relate to Mishna in that way. As a child, I never wanted to embarrass my family, but it would happen, especially if I tried too hard. I was never the most popular kid. Whether it was my glasses or my friends or just the fact that I was in the room, I got teased. Like Mishna, at times I didn't know where I belonged.

The other day I asked if you would be friends with yourself if you weren't you. Today, my new question is, "As a child, were you 'down'? And by whose standards were you judging how 'down' you were? I know now that I used everyone's standards but my own to judge myself. It's kind of the human thing to do. You look to others for advice and guidance. However, if it guides you towards low self-esteem and self-hatred, you might want to get off of that bus. Now, I have God's standards as my judge. Even days that I don't feel I make the mark at least I can rest in the fact that I'm using a fair and holy judgment system.

My grateful list:

• My friend's good news (So proud of you)
• Mishna's story
• FINALLY finishing my payments for school (I had to charge $9 for some fee they didn't take out of my financial aid. Really Kent? Really?)
• Taco day in the cafeteria
  
• Finally having a hair goal...pray it works out for your girl.

Good night and God bless!

The Day Perfection Dies Day 10

Today was one of those days that started with hopelessness and tears. Some many little and big things led to this. I was able to snap out of it thanks to two things; a call to my mother and listening to soft gospel on the way to work. It helped get me in the mood for an optimistic day. There were events in this day that made me doubt everything good and everything in general. However, it ended with hope and love and the realization that I don't understand half of the things on this course syllabus. Seriously, I feel stuck on stupid reading this thing. Now, a person with common sense would think, "Duh! The reason you're in this class is to learn things you don't know so this syllabus should be like reading a foreign language." But my thought process was "WT_! This whole thing was a mistake. Maybe I can use my loan money for my vacation next year." I wanted to back out. Thankfully, I have a co-worker that has studied all of this before and she was able to translate the syllabus for me and I feel a tiny bit better about this. Also, God granted me some common sense to get through the mini panic attack I was giving myself about school.

College is such a different animal than it was eight years ago. Everything is online and nothing, including my bill, looks like you think it should. And everyone looks so young! And standing in the Bursar's office line I felt like a Cougar amongst the babies. But I know it will all be okay and that once I get to my specific course, I will see people that look like me (age wise) and have real responsibilities like me (bills and a benefit giving job).

Please pray for me because I'm having throat problems and I have two important courses to teach this week. Here is what this day brought in terms of being grateful:

• Mommy
• Misreading a bill
• Getting my books
• People believing in you when you don't
  
• Not being perfect
• The fact that I thought I was perfect
• Another day to try again.

Good night!

These are the Days of Our Lives Day 9

Today sucked! I'm sorry God and readers, but making my own weather didn't work today. I was frustrated, distant, and just not happy. I got some things accomplished, but I had to fight through the excuses of others. You ever feel like you bend so much for others that you'll never stand up straight? That was me today and only Andy (a.k.a Anne Hathaway) could understand my life.

To top it all off, something that I thought I could live without I felt today that I couldn't and although that should have scared me and I should have instantly rebuked satan, I didn't. Instead, I basically shrug my shoulders when I think about it. I don't know. This adult stuff is hard.

As hard as it was, I found some things to be grateful for:

• Clean hair
• The end is near on a project
• Leftovers

I'll try harder tomorrow. I promise!

Rock On Day 8

Today I went to one of my favorite places, the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame. If you're a music geek like me, you'd love it! There are so many exhibits to see, music to listen to, and documentaries to watch. My Sunday School class and I went there today on a field trip. Two of the people that went had never been and that is one place where it always fun to see it with someone who has never been before. We all had a great time and learned so many things.

One of my dream jobs is to be a Pop Culture Professor. It would love to teach a course where students learned about some of the great musical artists that we viewed today at the Rock Hall, as well as cinema and sitcoms. The best career you can have is to turn your hobby into your career. For grad school, I wanted to concentrate my studies in American Studies but I found out after being accepted that the program for it is no longer offered. So now I kind of back to square one and I don't know what to concentrate in. Please keep me in your prayers that I find the right mix of my true passions and the courses that can go with them.

Grateful list:

1. Music
2. Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame
3. Fellowships outside of church
4. Great message at church today
5. Being a music geek
6. Staying strong
   

I pray you have a great week!

Me Time Day 7

It's funny how you can spend a lot of money without even thinking. Between putting gas in the car, a trip to Target, paying my library fees, and buying my favorite lazy day food, pizza and hot wings, I think I'm out almost $70. I hate being an adult! But it was all things I needed, especially the pizza. I did work on work stuff today and now I feel better about the week ahead so I wasn't entirely lazy. I like my love seat. It's so comfortable and since I have a habit of sleepy in the fetal position, it's perfect for afternoon laziness and napping.

Overall, I managed to stay grateful and optimistic today. I'm finding myself turning my frown upside down more lately and not in a fake way. I'm telling myself to cheer up and be happy for happiness. I'm doing it so I can focus more on the positive instead of the worst case scenarios. There are so many news things coming up in my life. One more week until school starts and two more weeks until I turn 30. And to top it all off, I'm meeting new people that I know God placed in my life instead of me placing people in my life for company's sake. One month ago all of these things scared, but I'm learn to smile and accept and breath in all the wonderful blessings of God one moment at a time.

Today I am grateful for:

• Pizza
• The ability to keep myself company - I guess I would be friends with myself after all!
• Church tomorrow

Have a wonderful evening and you better get up for church tomorrow!

Getting Real Day 6 (Sort of)

I'm sorry this entry is so late. Although I know you know how to read a clock, we are going to count this entry as Day 6-Friday instead early Saturday morning like it really is. I had a rushed day at work today, but it was productive and informative. This evening I had a double date. Yes, I went on a date! It's is just as weird to type as it is for you to read. And...I had a great time! I laughed really hard, I learned a lot, and I got real probably too real according to dating books, but I'm sure it was received well. The nice part was the people I was with were real back so it wasn't just me brain farting out loud all night. Overall, it was a great evening and I wouldn't mind being in the company of this particular gentleman without the adult supervision of our mutual friends.

It's been a long day, so here is my grateful list:

• Being a heart with ears to someone who seriously needed to vent.
• A great double date
• Laughter (I think this might be on my list everyday)
• Discernment
• Pep talks
• Moving on.

Have a good one!

Woke Up Smiling Day 5

I woke up smiling this morning! This is a big deal. I normally don't remember waking up or when I do, I'm sure it kind of looks like Amy Winehouse after a night of tons of wine. You know, with a wet pillow, humming breath, and a disgusted looking face that reads, 'who farted'? My future husband has a lot to look forward to, especially first thing in the morning.

I wish I could have seen the smile, but it felt beautiful. Because it was so early in the morning, I know I wasn't smiling because of my blogging assignment. It was real! It reminds me of when I get into a good feeling laugh where my whole body feels it and whatever made it begin was really funny. The smile made me feel warm and really excited for the day. There are a few thoughts and events that contributed to this smile. Since I didn't Rest Up like my previous blog post told me to, I will not go into those details. Just know that life is turning around for your girl and I can't wait to see what becomes.

Today I am grateful for:

• Smiling
• Optimism
• Finishing my financial aid paperwork for school...it's official-again!
• My family

I'm glad people are thinking about the question I asked the other day. Would you be friends with yourself if you weren't you? I hope by answering this question that you have major transformation in your life. Take care.

Rest Up Day 4

Today was long and kind of hard. Just when you think you've crossed all of your tee's on something, you missed something. That's what work felt like today. Like I was a day late for the prom or something. The good news is that thanks to my 'Be Grateful' homework assignment I'm determined to power through. Although I still cuss inside my head when times get tough and I feel stressed, when I power through, like today, the cuss fades away and I begin to think thoughts of productivity and common sense. The common sense being that if you think of a problem as a problem it will be a problem. I teach in one of my classes that you should see problems as an opportunity, a good opportunity, to change something. Today, as painful as it was, I changed my attitude. I prayed to God for the strength to make it through the difficult task that I have to finish up tomorrow and for the wisdom needed for it.

At church tonight, Bishop reminded me that when you are being who God wants you to be, He will equip you. If it's too hard or you're getting too frustrated, then it's not your call to do that particular task. The most frustrating thing about my task at work today is the deadline, which is Friday. Because of competing tasks, I waited until this week to start something that I would have started at least day two of a 3 week deadline. So not only I am confused on the assignment, I'm kicking myself at the same time for waiting so long. But when I realized that God equipped me to work on this task, it helped me to make the most of my time left and the task. I still have some things to complete on it, but I know I can complete them and that helps.

Today, grateful looks like this:

• Family
• My intelligence
• Starbucks
• Good neighbors
• Buffalo chicken
• B.o.B. CD (really great, especially when you're working late and need a good beat in your head)
• Sonoma Pear candles (they just smell so good)
• Evidence that my workouts are working because I can barely move anything.

Have a good evening and make sure you help control the pet population.

Getting A Grip on Gratitude Day 3

Tonight I was asked by a friend what I was grateful for today. I told him what I was grateful for in that moment, but truthfully, I thought about what I was going to post tonight all day. At random times at work, I was sitting at my desk thinking, "what am I grateful for today?" I think, as my title suggests, I need to get a grip on this grateful goal. I thought so much about it that I probably didn't live in the moment(s) at all today. However, I do think this challenge is working because I was thinking about what to be grateful for so much that I didn't have a lot of negative thoughts. In fact, I think I was a normal human being today, still equip with my genuine emotions and funny outlook on life. And to think, I thought this kind of existence was myth.

I hoping this challenge can help me be a person that I would even want to be around. Have you ever asked yourself, 'would I be friends with me if I wasn't me?' I suggest you ask yourself that and make a list, one side with all the reasons you would be your friend and the other side with the reasons you wouldn't be friends with yourself. I didn't make such lists because I didn't have to. God has been opening my eyes for months now on how I can be a better person and love myself more. It scared me at first. What if I really didn't like myself once I started changing? But once my ego and fear get out of the way, I realized that with God's guidance, I can be a different better person and that doesn't mean changing every little thing. So I have a lot riding on this challenge...in fact, a key friendship is at stake here!

Here are the things I am grateful for today:

• Total Body Toning (Paulie's the best)
• My arms thanks to Total Body Toning class
  
• Good hair day
• Not lying to Ryan about what I was going to put on this list
• Quizno coupons
  
• Text messaging
• Being told you're beautiful by an unexpected person
• Agreeing with my mother on two things today.
  

Have a great evening and keep smiling!

Grateful Girl Day 2

Well, like the usual fabrics of my life, I get tested on things almost as soon as learn them. In the last post, I told you that I went to two emotions courses last week and wouldn't you know that I would feel every emotion but the right ones within my first hour of being at work. The place I have to apply my learning is the place that helped lead me to having to learn those skills.

When I got to work, I had the positivity and optimism of all the birds and mice that worked for Cinderella. Waiting for my computer to load up, I experienced an burst of annoyance only Joan Crawford would understand. Between people leaving papers and notes on my desk and a file not having all of the right information, I felt like a character out of the bible looking first God for aid and help. Although I started going off on everything and everyone in my head, I remembered something I learned in class and other sources: take a breath. I quickly trained my mind to concentrate at the task at hand and to deal with life as it comes and in that moment, life was handing me the lemons to make awesome lemonade, if I chose to. I'm happy to report I chose to...all day. That doesn't mean I was fake or a door mate. When I had moments where I had to stick up for myself, I used the facts of the situations to help make my point and I realized how much better that worked and sounded versus me going, "but I don't wanna."

Here are things I am grateful for today:

1. Breathing
2. Extended deadlines
3. Books on CD
4. Meeting new people, particularly men. As scared as I am to join the world of dating again, it feels good to be asked. 4b. Making friends with a co-worker and her thinking of me and my singleness. If the guy didn't remind of my father looks wise, I would have hollered. Yes, I have a think about that and maybe too many Lifetime Movies and the movie, Precious are to blame.
   
5. Family returning safely from trips.
6. Clearance candles from Target. Definitely need to go back and get the entire collection of Sonoma Pear-wonderful scent.
7. Everyone who has taken the time to ask me about school. Thanks for the support-so needed.

Have a wonderful, thankful night.

In the Mood for Gratitude Day 1

Hello all! There are many reasons behind the title and theme of the next 30 days of blog posts. The first reason is because on Wednesday one of my friends from college posted a gratitude post on her Facebook status. On her status, she said she was going to list three things she was grateful for the next 28 days. From what I've seen she has kept her word.

The other two reasons for my gratitude posts are because of two emotions classes I've taken on Thursday and Friday. The Thursday class was called How to Manage Emotions Under Pressure and Excel in the Workplace. In case you couldn't tell by the title, I was kind of mandated by my job to take. But when it was suggested that I take a course like that, I wasn't too offended by it. I know that I am an emotional person. I feel things deeply, especially things you shouldn't feel so deep. My job doesn't know this but I have been praying about being a more positive person and I desperately want to make my own weather and want it to be warm everyday. This class had the homework of doing something you've learned in class. I decided to do the gratitude/thankful journal and also smile more in the workplace no matter what. The other class I took was I class that wasn't court ordered. It was called Emotional Intelligence, Tolerance, & Diversity for the White Guy. The instructor had to change the last portion of the title to 'Diversity for Everyone' just to teach the class at the location it was held. It was a great class and focused on your emotions and what happens to your body when you have terrible emotions. The section on diversity didn't talk about diversity in the typical way. It talked about the way a harasser-bully-bigot thinks and what goes through their mind and it all tied back to the Emotional Intelligence concept.

Based on all of those events, I decided to blog about what I am grateful for for the next 30 days. I know that means actually blogging but I think I could handle it. I learning that my entries do not have to be the long epics that they've been so I would love to accept this challenge. I will always have three things, but maybe more depending on time and what happened that day. I also hope that these entries will help my closeness with God. One of my other major prayers has been to see the woman that God sees in me. People in my life have helped with this recently, but I need to see through God's glasses everyday.

Here are the things I am grateful for today:
1. The option to go to 8 a.m. service at my church (love it).
2. A great friend in Terra.
3. The ability to throw things away. TV shows like Hoarders make me thankful that today I was able to clear half of a shelf of my bookcase without a second thought.
4. Things coming to pass in my friend's and families lives. Spiritual gifts being displayed and my sister FINALLY going to Disneyland...so happy for her. Out of all of us she has always wanted to go and now she's there. Hope you're having fun.

That's all for now. Have a blessed week and I can't wait to change my perspective for the next 30 days.