Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda, and Did...

A long time I read somewhere 'you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the things that you did.' This is a good saying for most good things and also some hard things that you have to face. I can think of a few things that I didn't get a chance to do that I regret, such as:

• Not going on the 6th grade trip to Canada.
  
• Singing in the high school choir.
• When asked by my last job what markets (states) I would like to live in, not picking California or Texas first.
• Going to grad school right after college.
• Not writing for my college newspaper until my senior year.
  
• Not working on my book this year although I put it as a goal in a January blog post.
• Studying overseas in college.

But what about those things that you did that you never thought you would regret that you do? How does that affect you? Or better yet, how do you make it not affect you? Recently, I kept a promise to someone close to me. Although the situation seemed like a good one and fruitful one to anyone else, I was sad. I was sad because of my lack of emotional and physical involvement I ended up having in this person's life and the fact that the warm moments I dreamt of having one day didn't occur. So now I'm left wondering should I regret keeping my word and being a good person for the important person in my life? My first answer (and maybe it's the Christian one) is no, I should be happy I was there for them and that they are happy. But as a human (yes, I am one and not a Johnny 5 for those who don't know me), I kind of do regret being there for them. I didn't have to travel to get my feelings hurt. I truly believe that even before Tyler Perry said it, that I CAN do bad by myself. But then again, how fun is that?
Right now, I am trying to have peace with my decisions and the hurt feelings that remain. I want to move past this because I know from past experience when I hold onto anger, it only hurts me and the other person is living their life like it's golden. And frankly, I've got things to do and a life to live so this needs to pass. Today, I found a scripture that I know will help me get over this.
Psalm 34:14 - Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace and work to maintain it.
This scripture is interesting because it truly is a homework assignment. It doesn't tell you where to search for peace or even how, so I guess that will be the fun part! Finding peace is going to be my homework assignment for this week for this situation and other things that have been on my mind this year. I am also going to build my Sunday School class around this scripture and will probably post the findings upon completion. I have found peace in the past about past decisions, regrets, friends and family issues, my career, and of course, love life or lack thereof. I pray for peace right now because there are so many things that I need accomplish and not having peace will postpone those things. I love you, readers and I will write again soon. Your homework is to leave a comment on how you have found peace or if you are on a peace finding journey how is it going.

Vacation Over...

I, like others with common sense, wouldn't go on a vacation without telling my employer about it. So I guess it wasn't kosher for me to go on vacation from my own blog and not tell anyone about it. I'm truly sorry for that. I needed time to clear my head, which as I type this, realize that is a loaded statement. The truth is your head never going to be fully cleared. You are always going to have some thought, idea, concept, second-guess, doubt, unanswered question, brain fart, etc. going on in your head. Yes, your idea might come to life and yes, your question will one day be answered, but in the meantime, you have you, your thoughts, and hopefully God to pray to about the insanity going on in your head.

Like a heathen walking to the alter with my head down, that's how I feel as I write this. God put this blog in my heart and I feel bad for not continuing the assignment for the past month. I thought about writing everyday. But it was weird. It was like every time I wanted to go to my laptop and write, it felt like my laptop had a lock on it and I didn't have the key. I just couldn't do it. When people would ask about my lack of blogging, like yesterday (thanks Mark), I said that I didn't just want to write fluff and wanting this blog to have meaning. Well, that's true, but my tag line is 'the bumpy road to being all calls you to be', so I should have let you in on the bumps and not hid from you and them.

The truth is after this hiatus from writing I don't feel too much wiser. I mean God blessed me in the interim in many ways and I did get some thinking done. However, I still have a few unanswered questions, still grieving some things I wanted to believe, and I haven't done much bible reading. And the bible reading or lack there of - well let's just say I've been my own case study (which was something I met to write about). Not reading has left me feel a little distant from God and also not as calm and wise. Reading mostly everyday last year mainly taught me discipline because no matter how tired, angry, hungry, or crazy I felt, I still read and learn a little something each time.

I'm not saying I promise to write everyday, but only writing once a month was not what's up and definitely not what God meant this blog for. But I will make more appearances and also bring back the 'I Thought It Was Just Me' blog entries. I enjoyed those and I know others did to. Please keep me in your prayers and I definitely have kept you all in mine. Oh yeah, I missed you!