30 and Shopping for Boob Tops

I probably could just end the post with only the title, but this Lucy should have some explaining to do. So here it is. In the past few weeks, I have attempted to be fun again. I haven't felt fun in years. I mean really fun. Like Hangover fun, but cleaner. On Friday, I decided to go to Akron's First Friday, an evening of dancing primarily for African-Amercians. My friend had the idea to go shopping for boob tops, also known as titty tops, but I'm trying to be clean. Since I really don't know any tops like that anymore, I agreed.

We went to the local mall for our shopping and of course, within a couple of stores she found one because she's got great fashion sense and always picks cute stuff. While she's waiting to pay, I went to the nearest bathroom. It hit me as I walked back from the bathroom that this is pathetic. I remembered being 21-22 and shopping for boob tops for the same night I was going to wear it out. I'm 30 now and still shopping for boob tops. After I meet back up with my friend, I felt the shopping pressure on me because I didn't find anything. Let me just say that, I don't do well under shopping pressure because I hate shopping. I do really well shopping when I don't think about it and just happen to pick up something cute, try it on, and then it works.

When I didn't find anything, I didn't hold back and I told my friend about my 30-boob top shopping ephipany. She told me I was just over analyzing and that this is not pathetic. Listening to her, I kept looking, but in the end, I didn't find anything. When she dropped me off to get ready, I found a shirt at home that would do for the night, but I couldn't shake the 'this is pathetic' feeling. I mean really. I'm 30 and I want to do 30 year old things. Like a nice dinner, a movie, anything that doesn't require a night of shaking my butt with Akron's finest with my boobs out. I went to the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame last weekend by myself and had a blast. It was one of those 'I didn't think I would be here in my life moments', except it wasn't about my career or ovaries, it was about the idea of going out. Of course, I went and because of the company I keep, I had a good time laughing and dancing to lots of 90s songs. I also met someone as I was walking out. The jury is still out of him, but like my 21-22 year old days, it felt good to go home with a number.

Yesterday's church service confirmed my 30 and shopping for boob tops ephipany. I think in that moment at the mall I felt like I was going backwards, in the Christian world, you never want to do that. My Bishop about giving up and I admit, the past few months, I've given up on my Christian behaviors and principles. I feel like I tried the nice Christian girl thing and that it's not working. Although I tried it for 5 minutes compared to others, it felt like a lifetime. And while my behaviors are not completing Christ like, I haven't totally lost it. I still attend church and give tithes. I still pray, just not as often. I still believe in God. I just stopped believing in my Christian self. I laid in bed this morning for two hours just thinking about the past few months, Friday's epiphany, and yesterday's sermon. There are so many decisions I need to make. The only thing I want to come out of these decisions is progress and not going back to the person I used to be.